Evolving marriage
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2022-05-03 05:33:11 (UTC)

Arousal Oil Pt 1

Dear Diary,
What an interesting evening. We have been listening to Esther's book Anatomy of an Affair each day together and this last chapter section really hit me hard, made me emotional and a lot going on in my head. Lots to ponder over.

Also husband and I were talking the other day about my ex and my first marriage and he made a comment that just set of bells for me and made me realize that my whole basis for that relationship was out of OBLIGATION. It wasnt about Love, it was obligation. I thought it was love, but I didnt know what that was. I was 16 when I started dating him and he was my first partner and I was a new born again christian girl in the church during this time and the church influenced what I thought of dating, relationships, sex and marriage. I didnt get any instruction at home, the church provided that structure for me. But it also is what skewed my thinking and caused me to feel I HAD to make certain choices because of things I had done. I felt I had no choice, I felt it was my duty and obligation to marry him. I mean I tried breaking up with him several times, I told him many times I felt things were wrong, told him, crying and in tears and prayed to God out loud with him sitting next to me. We got married because the pastor demanded it of us. When we were dating my ex bought us rings early on to get married, I freaked out and told him to return them. He did but had to exchange for a necklace. I mean I look at all these things and so much more and can see it now.

I was raised in an Alcoholic home (my father) and learned to be a good girl, a people pleaser, codependent . I just had to be good, not get in trouble, and that carried right into my teen yrs, I found Jesus and the church and that kept me in a place with structure and rules to be a good girl. Until I met my ex. I was a good girl now doing bad things and having secrets. Guilt and Shame

Esther talks in her book about cheating being more about how it makes the Cheater feel, about a new version of themselves. How good they feel, and many people do it to act out, one was a woman who did everything right all her life, Indian family she was raised in, now ideal marriage, kids, etc yet why is she tempted to just throw it all away and doing something dangerous? What is the appeal, Because for once she wants her own identity and to rebel against everything she was doing being a good girl. And I could relate. When I was with my ex and had the first fight where I left the house. I drove over an hour away, late at night to a pay phone and called an Atheist guy friend I new online who had been challenging my thinking, saying "Why cant you do......?" Why cant you do that?" and Id say "Because I cant, you just dont" I had no answers to his questions, they were obligatory phrases, you dont question the church or your spouse. So when he told me "Call me when your ready to get some balls and stand up for yourself" I held that in my heart and that night I made that call and he said "Oh shit, where are you?" and came to me. I stayed at his place that night, he held me as I cried and talked about my life. I kissed him. The next day he took me to do all the things I couldnt do with my ex that I had communicated to him and for my first ever drink of alcohol at age 25. And it felt good, freeing and I never regretted that wknd. Yes it blew up my life in many ways, but it was a little gilmpse of freedom for me.

I didnt rebel or act out, I was a good girl, and I got into church and married the first guy I was intimate sexually with. I had kids, stay at home Mom.

Im also realizing here at the middle of my life, Ive lived in this world, either long stretches of the Obligatory life being a good girl, to a long stretch of feeling so undesired and unsexy because of my current husbands low libido. As much as he told me it wasnt about me, I didnt feel good. Im a sexual person, but that person was only allowed to come out for about 15 min every 2 wks for sex, That didnt leave much time for exploration, fun, fantasies. It was just happiness to be naked, held and orgasming with my partner. I was grateful for what I could get.

But that did a number on me, and I was so close to the verge of deciding I needed to either leave my marriage or find a side person to fullfill my needs and have an affair. I really didnt want to leave my current marriage, but I didnt know how long I could go on either the way that it was.

Also all the deaths we went through didnt help

I started traveling solo, on my own, going to places Id never been, driving to other states, attending seminars, visiting family and friends, going to historic sites, the ocean, all places for my soul to be filled up, also a sense of adventure and fun for me. My moms voice in my head "Life is too short!" reminding me to LIVE

Im actually amazed I didnt have an affair actually through what went on, the fights, the crying, the confusion, his anger, aloofness, indifference to sex and me starving for it and to just feel sexy.

So here I am, things have changed, but the long term trauma from all of that hasnt all gone away, hearing the book I realize this and burst into tears tonight.

See, today was a normal day, him working, me working on things outside in the yard, making a meal, going to a city meeting and then home. He was writing at the table and I went to our room to read. I got a package today from Foria, their arousal oil. And I was curious so I opened and applied. It says to put it on the vulva or vagina area, massage it in 15 min prior to sexual activity. Mind you Im on my period also and was curious about this stuff, does it really work? Well I felt no arousal and got a massager out in bed next to husband. I said "Dont mind me Im just checking something" and I didnt notice much difference, and said I know it would be better to penetrated, intercourse, husband said he was game but wasnt all aroused either. So we attempted but too much pressure and too much head thinking killed the mood and we laid there and said "Lets table this" I was just eager to see if sex felt different with this arousal oil.

BUt that spiraled into us talking about the book, how I was feeling and everything I just shared...

I had applied the oil as directed and time had passed, didnt feel anything different

But then we got into the big talk from the beginning of this entry...

Oh my eyes are getting tired, must sleep, more later...