Slowly descending into madness
2022-05-02 13:42:43 (UTC)

Nightmares origin

When I sleep either I dream about him or I see nightmares that involve rape. It doesn’t have to be a known victim (eg me/my sister). Somedays it's an unknown victim. My nightmares are detailed. Detailed to the point it hurts when I wake up.

But the good news is, I think I understand where it's coming from. When I first broke up with Taz, there was some unfortunate incidents that led me to having these nightmares. I'm talking about 2019. Now I'm having these again, but I know the correlation. Maybe my brain feels the same feeling of abandonment and hence it's leading me to have these because I'm insecure. It’s the only plausible explanation.

Oh the dreams about him are sweet but these hurt when I wake up. Things like dude gave me a playlist. Or we're texting. Very normal stuff. These are nice but not nice enough to make me send a text when I wake up lol.

I deactivared messenger & fb to run away from everyone I know. Taz & June both reached out to me on WhatsApp. I don’t understand the deal with Taz, he literally texted me then within 10 mins he videocalled to show me his new Punjabi he bought for Eid. This isn’t the first time he reached out because I deactivated everything. First I used to think this is a boundary issue. These days I feel like he's dependent on me emotionally he can't stand the fact that he might lose me. It's annoying asf not because he's my ex, because I'm not going to live long, it'll create a permanent damage on him.