AMP

Random Thoughts
2022-05-01 10:23:39 (UTC)

Expansion: Relationship

So, last night I touched on the emotional whiplash from the last 4 1/2 months. My brain is currently in overdrive so I figured I would expand.

Recap:

Jan: the first couple weeks of January were good until the last weekend of January when I had Brittney's bridal shower the same weekend of Rock The Universe. That is when James got lazy about going into work and I struggle with getting chores done when hes here. So that lead to a pretty big fight.

Feb: I think we've gotten better, when Valentine's Day comes and we have another big fight. (I was annoyed at his lack of thoughtfulness, he was not enthused by my major thoughtfulness) then Aunt Carrie and Aunt Quimby both come visit and I think everything is getting better.

March: everything was going fine, we even both made comments about having kids together in the future. Last weekend of March, Alex and Eva had a baby shower and the timeline for kids came up. Apparently that really frightened him, but he didn't tell me.

April: Once again, I think we've turned a corner since the baby shower and then I met Dominique, we hung out, and I really liked her. But he started getting a little crush, because she's attractive and she also was nice to him and there was a little more connection. That ate away at him because he didn't know what that was like so he heaped the guilt and shame onto himself, which made him act unpleasant. I didn't like him acting unpleasant which made me act unpleasant, and then I think we're finally past it. Then this past Thursday he went out with people from Rockit and had fun. My insecurities between us arguing a lot, my appearance, overall feelings of unworthiness, mixed with his admitting the crush, plus his texting me he was going to stay awhile cus he was having fun, when he's never had so much fun with people from work before, made me question why he was having so much fun.... Of course I couldn't hide it when he got home, and then he refused to shower before he got into bed, which pissed me off more. I went and slept in the guest room, and not once did he try to let me know he wanted to fix this problem. That was a hard pill to swallow. We discussed the idea of me moving out, and he specifically told me he didn't want it to be something we talk about then it never happens. A week later he told me "you're not moving out - it would have to be over my dead body" and after Thursday night he told me he "wants space but he realizes he's not going to get it" then last night when I was at work, on my lunch break I texted him, and he apologized for being such a mess. I replied I'm getting tired of the emotional whiplash, and I need to know whether to draw nearer or back away. He said he wants me to draw near, so I will try, but at this point if he can't make up his mind soon, I will have to make it up for him, by looking elsewhere. I am 30 years old. I don't have time for the nonsense games anymore.




Ad: