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2022-05-01 00:42:09 (UTC)

Feel safe (snowman emoji)

I feel like I was very honest in my diary back then, although cringe. But the honesty is astounding. Now, I couldn't even think of exposing myself in such a way, but I guess I already have since I haven't deleted those entries. I just find it really interesting that I still relate to some of them despite thinking that back then I was so much happier...

A lot of them were short and sweet. And some were entries were I simply wanted to bash my head in so that I would stop thinking because the thoughts just wouldn't stop, resulting in an emotional word vomit with things I would cringe at when I reread it in the future, despite knowing the feelings behind it.

I suppose I shouldn't be scared to do the same, after all, I'm only talking to you. My future self. Would it be breaking the fourth wall to mention you? I know you're always sending hugs and comforting messages when you look back towards me.

But anyway, at times like those, I feel so alone. It's strange, and I'd think to myself, do other people normally feel comfortable alone? Sometimes it's okay, and it's actually better than I can be myself by myself. But sometimes I want to be beside someone. Just sitting, accompanied by someone who wants to be by me the same way. I have a feeling that I'll grow up without ever experiencing peaceful company. It's always family, which is fulfilling and oftentimes hilarious. However, I'll always want for something I don't have, the ability to be vulnerable with someone. I would never cry and let my heart out fr in front of da fam, no matter how much I'm fond of them. I wouldn't go to them to cry (if its not physical pain that i actually need help with) about what hurts me emotionally, mentally. And I don't think I'll ever have anyone for that.

All I have is myself. So I guess a lot of my actions are counterproductive.

Anyhow, the me of the past told me to work on my homework, so that's what I'm about to do I hope. If I do, I'll put it here. I almost cut all ties with my mother because she kept reminding me LMFAO IM DUMB
I uh this feels safe. Feels so safe right now I can't explain it. It's the music, the warm lighting, the evening time, the cold air. I really love this moment. I wish I could always have it. my heart or soul or whatever, its smiling.