Gentleman ♀

Invisalign :(

Hey,

OUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I made a mistakeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. So, I have this Invisalign shit that I have to wear 21 hours a day. It's this clear plastic thing that straightens out my teeth. And like I said, 21 hours a day. Well, surprise surprise, I wasn't wearing them 21 hours a day. At first I'd just take them out during school hours, then I'd only wear them at night, then I just gave up and stopped wearing them entirely. I would wear them normally but hear me out okay? They give me a lisp, they look like I have a ton of saliva in my mouth, they cut up my gums and cheeks, and they're such a pain in the ass to take out and put back in. I know that's not an excuse to waste $175 of my parent's money every month, but I'm an asshole so fuck it. I can hear my parents fighting about it in the other room. My mom took my phone away and said I'm not getting it back till I shove the Invisalign into my mouth. Now she says I'm not going to the fan expo either. Great. I mean, I know it's my fault and it could have easily been avoided but whatever.

I'm so sick of everything. I'm sick of myself. I literally manage to fuck everything I do up. I can't even pretend like it's not my fault, I know it's my fault, I just don't give a shit. I don't know why I can't force myself to do anything. I don't do my homework, I don't wear my Invisalign, and I don't respond to people's texts unless I feel like it. Katies been texting me for like a month asking me to read her books and I just can't. I'm in the middle of reading three books (one in class, one out of class but still for class, and one personal choice) I don't need or want to read her books. I'd read one or two of them with no problem but she asks me to read a new one like every other week and I just can't do that. I have friends I want to hang out with and homework I have to half-ass. I can't spend all my free time reading her book. I even turned it into an audiobook so I could read it more efficiently but I still can't keep up. I'm so sick of it but how do I tell her that. I've tried to be nice about it but I really don't know what to do. I don't want to be mean but I also really can't read all of her books.

I guess I'm leaving school early today. It was either 1:30 or 2:30... It's for an orthodontist appointment so they can yell at me for not wearing my Invisalign and see if I can get braces instead. Idk why I didn't just get braces in the first place. Those things are glued onto your teeth, there's no way to fuck it up... unless I eat literally anything! Can't chew gum, can't eat chips, no almonds, nothing sticky, I'll just fuck up my brackets. I hate my teeth. Not because of how they look but because I have to fix how they look. I don't know if I've ever talked about it on here but my teeth don't even touch. It's called an open bite I think. My back teeth touch but my front teeth don't. I'm just stuck with a permanent awkward smile. I can't bite down either, do you know how hard it is to eat an apple or corn on the cob when your teeth don't bite down!? Braces won't even fix that, I'm gunna need surgery to fix my jaw or some shit. Don't they like wire your jaw shut to heal after they do that? No way am I getting that done! I refuse to eat cold tomato soup (If you get that reference you're cool)!

God, I feel like such a boring person. All my entries are just 10% updates on my life and 90% the same boring shit. It's just me complaining for 6 paragraphs straight. I mean, it's my diary so I guess I can do whatever I want in here but still, people can read this and I don't want to bore them. Jeez, how am I gunna be an adult? I can barely stand being a kid how am I gunna deal with the stress of being an adult? I'm so fucked. I always promise myself that I'm never gunna vape or smoke or drink or get high or anything but what if I'm lying to myself? What if it all becomes too much and I do something stupid and ruin everything as an adult? As I said, I'm so fucked. I know we're only in middle school but my friends and I like to joke that I'll be the sober friend that drives them all home at night. I like the sound of that but at the same time my parents describe alcohol as an escape from everything. They say it takes a bit of the stress away. Alcoholism runs in the family and I don't wanna become that. I've seen drunk adults and I hate it. It's entertaining as hell but I wouldn't want to act like that myself. The idea of losing control of my own body and mind hurts.

I hate the fact that things can run in the family. I was listening to Runs In The Family by Amanda Palmer and it really makes me think. What the hell kinds of things are wrong with me and who can I blame for it. You know how I always feel almost foggy? Always anxious and shit? Well, that runs in the family. On my dad's side, they're all selfish assholes and a bunch of the girls are always in and out of the mental hospital while on my mom's side they're all high functioning alcoholics with horrible anxiety and depression. At this point why even bother trying? I'm fucked every way you look at it. That's why I'm never having biological children, I couldn't bare to pass on all this horrible shit me and my family have to deal with. To watch my child deal with all these mental illnesses (and other illnesses too knowing how fucked I am due to my mom's illnesses) and know it's my fault. I'll get a good job and a good place to stay and I'll adopt. Maybe I'll be a foster parent, that'd be pretty cool. Why have your own children when there are children being abused and shit in a home? My ideal life at the moment is to become a phycologist or a psychiatrist, live in a medium-sized house, and adopt a tween-teenage kid or three. I guess it all depends on what I feel and how well it goes though. If I were a single parent I'd probably adopt one teenager but if I had a partner with a good job we might adopt more in a wider age range. I'm only 13 though so I've got a long time to figure it out. I don't think it sounds that bad though~

Something good that happened today was hanging out with Vinny. It was still in school but we just talked, just me and him, about anything. It was nice. First, we spent all of pride in the auditorium listening to this really nice french music band thing. They had a viola, a flute, and a beautiful harp. The music was great, so great we all wanted to see it again. The band is playing a concert at our local library and Vinny used my pen to write down the date on hi hand. I asked him to email the details to me so I could go too and he agreed to. Once the band was done we had like 10 minutes to talk amongst ourselves. Vinny had his head in his knees for some reason and me and Olivia were both a bit concerned but we didn't know what to do. Vinny has really fluffy, curly hair and Olivia ran her fingers through it once. Not in a weird way but in a more playful way. I saw what she did and I decided to do the same. I was just kinda fluffing his hair for a minute, his hair is really nice TUT. After that he lifted his head up and asked me if I wanted to play this game called Concentration 64 (I think) I agreed and we played it after he taught me the basics. We both sucked but it was still fun. After that, we went to lunch and we talked about the fan expo in the line. I told him I was going as Kirishima and told him he should be Deku. He asked why he should be Deku and I said it was because of his fluffy hair. He said that Deku didn't have fluffy hair but I disagree, he has the exact same type of hair I imagine Deku having. Vinny told me he was thinking of being someone else who had hair that looks like his and I asked who. He took back what he said and refused to tell me why he wanted to be. He asked for my opinion so I was honest, I said he kinda looked like Deku, he could pass for Bakugo, but he could be any he wants really. He seemed happy with that but didn't say any more. Then he told me about this anime about an introvert with psychic powers and I told him I might watch it eventually. It's called PSYCH-K. I've heard it's good but I have a LOT of shows I plan on watching so it might take me a while.

Happy thingssssss. Umm, I don't know if I've said anything about this in my diary but I play guitar. I'm very new at it but I do play it. I started in November I think after my parents got me a sparkly, cherry red, electric guitar for my birthday which was in October. I play at this place over by Giant Eagle, my teachers name is Mr. Mike. I think... His name is Mike but I don't know what to call him. Mike sounds informal but Mr. Mike sounds too formal. I jokingly call him Mr. Mike Man to my parents but I have no clue how I'd address him if I ever needed to. My plan is to just not. Never address him by name. That has to work righttttttt (that's sarcastic obviously)? But anyway, today at practice he told me that this is the best he's ever heard me play and that he's impressed. He said he could tell I've been practicing too which is funny because I half-assed one 10 minute practice session in the 6 days between practices. I aced those songs even though I've only played them like twice! Damn, I must be a child prodigy or something, imagine how good I'd be if I actually practiced! All jokes aside though my mom was telling me how I had no passion and was making no progress in guitar. That'll show her lol.

The orthodonist appointment went well btw. The entire time they were just kind of shaming me for being irrisponsible but it's whatever. I'm getting a retainer next week and they're making a new Invisalign plan in 4 weeks. This time I promised to really do it. I've had them for a year and now I'm gunna have to wear them for another year. Great. But on the bright side, by the end of it, if all goes as planned, my teeth will actually touch! Yay! I should probably go now but I'll write again soon! Buh bye.

~ Gentleman