Gentleman ♀

Muffled Noise

Hi,

I don't really know what to write again. I feel like I don't ever really know what to write about. It's fine though, I guess I don't always need something new and interesting going on. I think I'm finally getting sick of all the drama going on. Not sick of it like I want it to be over but sick of it like I don't care that it's going on. As usual, Vinny was walking ahead of us in the hallway but he stopped to say goodbye to us even though we didn't even talk the entire walk. I was joking with Olivia about how we know what's going on and how we just don't know what he wants us to do about it but it wasn't even funny. I didn't wanna talk about it and frankly, I don't think Olivia wanted to hear about it. We have better things to do than worry about Vinny, we've been doing that for far too long, it's time we ignored it and were happy.

Yesterday and the day before were warm like it hasn't been in a while. It was only 80 degrees but that's more than usual so it was nice. Aunt Malina came over both days and brought over a bag of Hers and Emma's old clothes. Within one of the bags I was going through I found an old pair of shoes with no laces. They were Converse All-Stars with two tongues, a black one and a plaid one. I was a bit upset that they had no laces but that gave me an idea. I asked my dad to borrow the laces from his old highschool shoes and he told me to take them. I looked up a video on youtube and now I have shoes with star laces. I'll leave a link to the video I used at the end of this entry. I used one for six lace holes but there are also tutorials for shoes with all numbers of lace holes. I'm really happy with how they look and nobody else I know has laces like that. It makes me feel good.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Everything just seems wrong. I wanna go back outside, the sun was warm and it made me feel good. Instead I'm stuck in this school, constantly cold and over bright yet too dull. The lights in here aren't the same as the sun, they don't feel as good. Yesterday I hung out with Kiarra. We walked up to the gas station then hung out in my kitchen eating tomatoes. After that, we went on my hoverboard with that seat attachment thing. We rode it up and down the street then got my (its technically my dads but I use it way more) longboard and rode it together. Kiarra sat in the front while I held onto her shoulders and skateboarded like normal. It was hard with two people constantly shifting weight but it was fun. We went over Riley and Jacey's and they came over too. Kiarra and Jacey went to Kiarras house so then it was just Riley and I. We ate my snacks from the gas station and messed around on the hoverboard for a bit. Then Riley decided to try and do a flip jump mount onto the skateboard and it was fun. We practiced in the grass for a while then took it onto the concrete. I got it pretty quickly but Riley needed a bit of help. I held my hands out so she could hold onto me while jumping. It was fun. My goal is to learn how to skateboard by the end of the summer. I want to get a real skateboard from Zumiez and learn a few tricks.

Did you know that the school, where I live, ends next month? Yeah, May 16. That's... 21 days!? And that's including weekends, that's less than a month left of school! Damn, I might be getting that sun sooner than I thought. I don't even have any summer clothes. I own like 2 wearable pairs of shorts and maybe 5 T-shirts that match with absolutely nothing. I gotta go shopping. Olivia has a Hot Topic gift card so maybe we can go there together and buy some emo kid stuff. I call myself emo as a joke but I'm not sure if that comes across very well to the people reading this... Or the people who hear me say it. Do my neighbors think I think I'm emo? I hope not. I just say it to make fun of the kids who do think I'm emo. I don't even look emo! Yeah sometimes I wear the color black or I do my eyeliner but I don't look emo. Not emo enough for them to yell it at me in the halls. I know they mean it in a mean way but honestly, I take it as a compliment. Although I'm not emo I definitely try to dress differently and the fact that they notice it enough to say something (mean or not) makes me happy. It lets me know I'm doing a good job.

I just watched a video and you know, it really spoke to me. It was a guy telling a story of how being a child wasn't as easy as we remember it and how adults are just kids but older. I'll leave a link if you want to watch it but it's pretty long. I don't know if it was that guys voice or the story itself but something about it touched me. I guess it's just the message it's getting across. I feel like grown-ups are a lie. I don't see why it's ever been frowned upon to act like a child. Why wish you were a child but judge people who act like one? When I'm older i won't be like that. I'll have responsibilities and all that but I'll make sure to take a break to have fun.What's the point in living if you don't enjoy it, you know? We're all gunna die and in just a few years nobody'll remember us so why waste your life pleasing everyone else? The way I see it is, as long as you're not hurting anyone, do whatever you want. Wear what you want, act how you want, do what you want. What's life if you're not living?

I don't mean to follow up that nice motivational message with something dark but fuck it, it's my diary, I can do what I want. I want to know what happened to my cat. He's an outdoor cat and he just didn't come back home one day. We always knew it would happen but it feels too soon. Gentleman's my best friend (that's his name. My username is my cat's name, surprise surprise) I don't want to lose him. My family keeps trying to tell me that someone probably took him in but I just know he's dead. He's way too sneaky to not have snuck out of their house yet. It's been weeks and nobody but the bratty neighbor girl (Gianna) has seen him. I don't trust Gianna though. She just said that so Hailey would come over to look for him. Nobodies seen my cat in weeks and I just want him back. I miss snuggling with him and playing with a laser and petting him. He really was the best cat, I can't believe I lost him so soon... What if we never find his body? I don't think I could live with that. Whether he's dead or not I need to see him one more time. I wanna get him cremated or buried in our backyard at least. I hate not seeing him around the house. I've had three dreams at least where we found him. Every time I wake up and have to accept that it was just a dream. Everything reminds me of him too. If it's back and white, it's just like my cat. I want my cat back. AAAAAAA don't cry don't cry! I'm in class, I can't lose it now TUT. I just miss my baby.

Whelp, it's after lunch now and I'm no less upset than I was before. As soon as we got into our little group to walk to lunch Vinny said how he cried himself to sleep last night over math. I was surprised he told me that but I wasn't gunna be awkward, I told him not to stress about it. I told him that no matter if he forgot about it or what happens he shouldn't get that upset over math. I told him that the math can wait but he disagreed. I said "fuck your math" and he said he wanted good grades. I said then "fuck your grades," he said fuck my grades and I told him that my grades are already fucked. We left it at that but I'm pissed at his math teacher. Her name is Mrs. Solo and she's Olivias math teacher too. I'm not in their class but I hate hearing Olivia and Vinny stress about how hard the tests are and the stupid amount of homework she gives. If you’ve read a good amount of my diary you’d know, nobody makes my friends cry. I swear to god, there’s nothing I can really do cause I’m a child but if I could just make her even just feel bad or something I would. I guess I just wish my friends weren’t so stressed. Maybe if they weren’t so stressed everything would go back to normal.

Nothing even feels real anymore. If I had to describe it… I’d say it’s like everything is echoey and muffled. Like I’m never really touching anything, just lightly hovering, never quite able to get down. Idk, maybe something’s wrong with me. I can’t tell if I just need the pills to set in or this is how they’re supposed to make me feel though. Either way I don’t like this. It just feels numb. Like I’m crumpling into myself, into a compact little ball of nothingness. I want to talk to my friends about it but I don’t think it’d do any good. I don’t want to seem dramatic but I also don’t want to seem like I’m not open.

That’s the problem I think, remember how a few entries ago Olivia told me that I don’t talk about my personal life much? That maybe if I did, Vinny would trust me more? Well I tried that today and it didn’t work. It was lunch, right after I finished writing about my cat, so I decided to talk to them about it. I told them how much I missed my cat and how I think he might be dead… They all had different reactions and I hate to be ungreatful but none of them were any help. Olivia promised me that if she found my cat she’d give him to me and that’s nice and all but she lives miles away so I don’t see how it helps much. Riley just looked at me with pitying eyes and Vinny didn’t seem like he gave two fucks. Neither did Kiarra or Kayla. I don’t think the three of them were even paying attention. Vinny heard me too, he just didn’t care. He’d rather talk to his other friends. It’s okay though, I guess I should have known. I know this sounds dramatic but this is my diary and I can be as dramatic as I want. If there’s one thing I’ve learned about my friends - and people in general - it that they love talking about themselves. Of course, not everyone’s like that, and I really enjoy listening to people talk about themselves, but I’d like to talk about my problems every once in a while too. Like, I can talk about my problems, but we never stay on the topic you know? That’s probably why I spill so much when they do let me talk. I enjoy hearing them talk so much, I could do it for hours, it wouldn’t bother me, but I wish someone would do the same for me every once in a while you know? Like, one of my friends not some nice girl I met on discord (although that discord girl is very nice<3).

It feels like I’m sinking, I don’t know what to do… I guess I should probably go now. If I take a shower quickly, maybe I’ll go on a night walk with my dad. I’ll write again soon. Buh bye! <3

~ Gentleman

Star laces: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i9s3ZoEVbJ0
Story: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iQThYGymjlY