Tati

Oh

Sticky, tangible
I can’t think
Can’t remember what’s wrong, though I know of it
Isn’t this what I wanted?

Too hot,
I wish I were that small and slim
That my bones could be seen, only a thin barrier between them and the world
That my abdomen wasn’t as prominent as the arch of my back

Am I small? I wish I could make it known to myself if that were the case.

But anyways. Lady Demitriscu or whatever. Hot womanz

What was it though, that I was thinking of? Not reading. Not reading either. Not watching. Not thiccums. I can’t remember. Body hair? No. I can’t remember. Oh well.

I think, in a sense, I definitely got better. No more fighting with siblings or being mean for no reason, or avoiding family meetings/meals. In another sense—
Body, personality, voice, speech-volume, hair, laziness, anxieties, social isolation/avoidance—
Nothing has changed. Besides my relationship with my family. My relationship with myself? Is it possible to have one? I am me so there’s no way I could interact with me.. I’m still mean to my body. Mean to the part of me who tries to socialize because—
Who would want to talk to me anyway? I have nothing to say. I never have a single thing on my mind when it comes to people. Never. I don’t look good, my body isn’t normal enough,

oh but it is
Of course it is
All teenage bodies look like this
It’s just that, despite the normality of it, that I recognize on occasion,
I still don’t like it
I feel disgusting
I feel ugly
Monstrous
But it’s okay because no one has to see it anyway
Oh and not to mention the mfs that have stick legs at my school, to find myself envious?? Strange. What’s so good about a thigh gap anyway? Nothing.
I only like thighs on other people
Why not me?

—
I haven’t changed in that regard. I still don’t feel worth peoples time. I’m not interested in what most people would talk about. Clothes, shoes, cars, mainstream YouTubers and celebrities. Makeup. Video games. Shows (I barely watch tv bro, I just read a bunch of manga sometimes and- you know). Movies.
I’m lost, when it might come to them
But it’s okay
Because
😐
Idk guess I don’t need to talk to anyone anyway, really messes with my nerves :/

My body, I don’t think it has changed in these two years at all. That’s okay. Because—
Is it? Doesn’t matter
—it can’t be helped. I can’t change it. Who cares about empowerment and positive body image, I just want to eat good food. I lost my appetite due to illness but as soon as I get better, I’m eating lucky charms🫵💯
Doesn’t matter because I’m young and carefree with my whole life ahead of me and nothing can stop life from dragging me through all of this. Not even myself.

I still don’t rmemebr but I’m just not interested in anything my mind is just forcing me to do this crap as a distraction. It’s working.