I Hate Middle School
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So, it turns out, I know nothing about “love”. I mean, I know you know this, but I didn’t… I think. I don’t know. I’m so confused. On one hand I think I’m pansexual (technically omnisexual but it’s practically the same thing) because I could see myself dating someone of any or no gender identity but on the other hand I think I’m aroace like Vinny. He’s had 2 girlfriends and 4 crushes to my knowlage and if that makes him aroace what am I? I mean, people are hot but I don’t really have a crush on anyone. I never have either… I want to, I just can’t. I guess I’m too young anyway but everyone else seems to get it already. I guess I just feel late to the party or something.
I know more than most that I’m just a kid and that I have a while to think about everything but that doesn’t make it any easier. Like Quinn for example. Let’s be real (if not a little weird) for a second, I think she’s super fucking hot. Before I even knew her I thought she was gorgeous and now that I do know her it’s just worse. Every word that comes out of her mouth takes me 8 years to process and she’s the living embodiment of gay panic… but I don’t think I could ever date her… Maybe I could, idk, but maybe I couldn’t. My feelings change every five seconds. One second I’m like “yeah, I could see myself with them one day” and the next I’m like “eww, relationships are gross, nobodies attractive, I’m gunna be lonely forever.”
Or Olivia, I think I liked her in 5th grade but did I really? In my diary I said that every time I think about it I just like her more but now I’m just confused. I could kinda see us getting together in the far future since we both might like each other but I could also just as easily never see it ever happening ever. I wanna love someone and I want someone to love me but I couldn’t see myself ever finding someone. I wonder how that’ll play out…
Kind of a weird third option but hear me out… Kiarra… Now before you call me insane, hear me out. Yes she’s straight and yes literally everyone else likes her too but alsooooo she’s totally gay. She’s literally the gayest straight person I’ve ever seen in person. I’m not saying I could or would ever get with her but I am saying she’s definitely good looking and I 105% enjoy her company. I’d never actually get with her but we already have that fake lovers joke going on and I plan to keep it that way. I don’t even understand myself sometimes… why do I do this?
At Emma's birthday party I was talking to her and Quinn and I somehow landed on the topic of my drawings. Specifically, the ones where I write someone's name over and over to make a realistically shaded flower. It's cross-hatching but with their name. Quinn said she wanted one and so did Emma. AAAAAAAAAAA! I'm so excited! I don't think she's expecting me to actually make one but I'll do it anyway. (Later in the day) I just finished it and I'm so proud! I don't think I'll be able to give it to her today but tomorrow should work. I'll bring it to lunch and give it to her in line. I hope she'll like it, these kinds of drawings are a hit or miss kind of thing. They either look absolutely beautiful or like literal shit. This one's pretty good though. It looks especially good if the lighting's right and you blur your vision. I'm glad I did it right 'cause I haven't done it in a long time. I showed it to Olivia while it was half-complete and she said was really good. I hate my brain 'cause I feel like I'm bragging or taking the spotlight away from Vinny's art. I just want to show her my rose TUT. Speaking of which, the flower is s rose. I'm not sure if I said that or not.
I just got really into GRLwood and played a playlist over like 4 times today. This one specifically, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_KT2RvANsUg . God, they just make me gayer (lol)! Every time I'm starting to doubt myself I just listen to that and remember that women are hawt. Something I've noticed about myself is that I definitely have a type. Of course, I've never dated anyone so I'm not 100% certain, but I'd like to be with a certain type. I like people who dress alt. Emo, goth, cottage core, punk, decora, kid core, anything noticeably different from average. I like people who can be causal, they never make anything awkward. Silence is comfortable and embarrassing things aren't a big deal. Someone I can be myself around. Sarcasm and being able to take a joke are a must! I can tease them and maybe even *cough cough* flirt. That's embaressing, I'm gunna go now. Buh bye!