Tati

Connected

It’s all linked or whatever.

If one thing is meaningless, the rest is too because it’s all the same concept.
If one thing is the disgusting, everything else associated with it is too.
I tend to use the fact that if this one thing is useless, then all the similar things I enjoy to distract myself with are useless too. Guess the fact that it would mean taking away many things that keep my brain wanting to do crap is too much for myself, so I dismiss the feeling of how useless the activity is.
If the way my face feels on my…face is disgusting, and my behaviors are disgusting, then everything I do is disgusting and my whole body is disgusting and all that I am is terrible and nasty and I don’t want to see or do it. But then I can’t read. Or play. Or watch. So I bear with the feeling, unable to dismiss it.

I feel hopeless, but acting on it just means wasting time I could be using to read which I won’t have when they put me back in school.

It feels like a waste of time. How much time do I have? Do I even want to use it wisely? I don’t even want to live in this world. I just want to read peacefully. This body is making everything so much worse. I just want to kill it. And finally be happy. It’s literally just this body. Everything would be fine if I never had a physical form. No ability to eat. No people to see or get mad at me. Nothing to be embarrassed about.

See? Hopeless.
And I’m thinking about it. Maybe creating more scars would make it all better. But that’s a mess to clean up. A distraction from the only things I’m enjoying. Maybe when school starts again. It’ll become an anchor. A distraction form the discomfort. And unfounded sadness. I’m so tired. But I don’t want to listen to strangers’ voices.
I just want to be comforted.
But I’ve done nothing to deserve it.
And the majority of me feels way too disgusting with myself to ask for any.

Might sleep.