Evolving marriage
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2022-04-21 20:52:01 (UTC)

New Ride

Dear Diary,
Well we got our new vehicle! Was a fun experience. We went out for Indian Food after, so good, first time having bread since starting Keto, I had Garlic Naan. You cant got to Indian Food and not eat that! Husband drove it home and I drove the other car, its pretty nice, doesnt feel real. We are not new car people, so we are in awe of it and that we could afford it. We also got the extended warranty and some other protections, have to take it back in next week for a clear bra hood protection and window tint.

We were beat, got home after 10pm, literally changed, cleaned up and got in bed, husband passed out right away.

We are both feeling a little better. I felt good this am and took care of him, Its really nice to have us both turn sideways and take him in my mouth that way, and the tip I learned reading on blowjobs is to use Skittles, eat some, it creates saliva in your mouth and adds flavor (I heard that it was SNoop Dog that has said this, but not sure where that info came from) And I have to admit this was my first complete swallow without the gag reflex hitting and no bitter taste, but that could have been the Skittles.

I got up and headed out for more yard work but wore and N95 mask this time! From the pollen, got rid of all the foxtails out back on on the side of the house, still some out on the back end of the garden area and behind the outbuilding, but I can only do so much, they are tall and going to drop their seeds soon, Hate foxtails! And I just want to yank them out instead of weed whack of mow as that will just spread them. So we shall see if I can do any after our Vegas trip.

We will be gone until Tues eve/afternoon, wed I have the eye dr, thurs Ill be back at the dealership for the day to get the things added to the vehicle. So that will take up my day, Have a city meeting to attend, and then hopefully be in the clear or most appts and things to do. Planning a trip to where the homestead of my family. 2 day trip for me, and will get to do it in the new vehicle which will be nice, its cool as it has a plug in the back, so I need to get an air mattress. I can crash/camp in the back on the land. I had a structure put in last yr, but need electricity, so hoping to get that set up this next visit. This is where my parents grew up, my family history, goes back to the mid 1800s and has been in my family since. In a little tiny town with a tiny population and I have the best neighbors who look after things, they both knew my Father and my Grandmother, who are long since gone (I never knew my Gma on that side, she died before I was born) So Im thinking maybe a 2 wk or less visit, my Aunt, Uncle, Cousins, etc are all there, see my Cousin who is super cool. The visit to my Aunt/Uncles was awkward the last time and I vowed not to do that to myself again (not stay over) just a pop in. They are gossipy and talked crap about my Mom which I was really bothered about, my mom died, its her brother and his wife, and to hear them say the things about her, and they also didnt know at all what my Dad was really like and how he treated her all the marriage. But my Dad always came back to visit, my mother didnt, my Dad gave them things, vehicles, took my uncle hunting, etc. So he was all great in their eyes, my mom stayed away from coming back home, and the last visit I laid there and said to Mom in heaven "Mom, I get it" after that visit.

So my cousin came out to see me, he and his wife, brought me a housewarming gift for the place I had put in. We had Pizza in town, and I got to spend some one on one time, all my visits with family were as a group and I was the baby and felt overshadowed, so its nice to have my OWN relationships. So I look forward to seeing them and they are interested in going into business with me on a property if we find the right place, I was trying to buy an old church hall the last time and he came to walk through it with me.

My girlfriend from high school and who first took me to church lives midway point to there and I stayed there twice the last trip, works out great, and they were good to me. Id like to go see them all again. She lost her Dad last yr, and is in the same boat I was in not long ago, our parents knew one another, their business was next to my parents, their homes were on the same street, and she just lost her Dad, she also has teenage sons and one behaving like one of mine so I realized how much more we have in common. Funny thing is we introduced her to her husband, my ex and I, and they hit it off, but we had a falling out(long story) and didnt get invited to the wedding and didnt talk for yrs, then she called me one day and it was like all was forgotten? My last visit her husband drove me as I had vehicle problems during my stay and took me to the mechanic, rental place, etc and talked to me a lot about the stuff going on at home, she portrays more the ideal christian image via facebook, he gave me the low down truth, which made me not feel so alone! Going through so much similar stuff, and Ive known these 2 since high school, and the falling out played a big part of our beliefs and my ex... and so its nice to just be "Friends" again.

My sister loves the new vehicle, sent her a pic, she commented on how good we both looked with our weight loss already and how she can tell. Woohoo! But I could tell looking at the pic the salesman took of us, Ive hated seeing pics of myself the last few yrs. So its nice to actually not be UGH about your pic, and this is just the beginning. My goal is about 25 pds, Im officially 9 down. As is my husband. And its mostly the swelling and puffiness, funny how eating carbs, bread, sweets will do that to you.

I had a chat with my old friend today, the guy. I think I briefly mentioned him in here but not sure. Hes back with his wife after they split for 3 yrs, we were friends way back over 25 plus yrs ago online and used to sit up late online at night, I used to talk him about giving his life to God and hed poo poo it and wed talk about his life, this went on for yrs, then phone calls, then he came through town and visited me and my kids and my mom was there, I was married then to my ex. Such a nice guy and we just had this strange friendship that would pick up and then not talk for long stretches, he was military. When my ex moved out, he and I met up as he was on a 24 hr layover in my state and the timing worked perfect and we drove and met halfway at a Dennys late at night. We sat for hrs and he talked, we went and parked somewhere after and I gave him a blowjob(first and only with any guys I ever dated) and I have no idea why I did it??? Why did I? I mean we kissed, but I wasnt into doing that then and had just split with my ex and had that encounter that pissed me off with the ex in regards to that. Maybe it was me regaining some control and doing things on my terms? I dont know, but I really liked him, we stood on a hilltop in the middle of the night and I had my arms around him and he said "You dont want to get mixed up with me" we were in our 20s, young, and I was crazy about him, we sat in his car and talked until almost morning and he drove me back to my car and I remember crying, sad to see him go. And thus the rest of our life. We catch up, have amazing phone convos, and we never talked about sexual stuff or hooking up. We just talked, wed check in on one another, you name it. I last saw him about 10 or so yrs ago on another stop through town, I had my sons at home then and he sat with my youngest to talk military and joining, I went by my Moms with him and took my son to youth group, then he hit the road. I was married to my now husband then. Other then that, just phone calls or emails along the yrs. But we have had this really deep honesty thing between us, sorta like the stuff I can write here, we could do.

So he shared he got baptised and has been meeting with a priest, hes going through the sacramants and all that? Im not Catholic so forgive if I cant explain it well, I only attended Catholic high school but it was not my religion. So its interesting seeing him have this moment and his reconciling with his wife. And we actually had a deep talk of the care we have had to one another through all these yrs, he told me he loves me, Ive told him that before in the past. Its a strange bond we have. I said I do not wish to disrupt either of our lives or any of that and how the husband and I are. And he told me "Look we have some bond, we have had it, that isnt normal for most people" and we both go back to our lives. Hes dealing with retirement coming soon and his wifes drinking and being back in his sons life who was angry about the divorce. So we all have our things in life, we talked about sexuality, he and I have had some talks as he called me yrs ago after he started therapy and dealt with sexual abuse from his past, childhood and lied about his life, and called me to apologize, not that I was impacted really, he was a friend of mine but he reached out to me to tell me who he really was, his adoption, his past, his abuse, the fake persona he created, the running from the truth, and how he can share that with others but not his own spouse. He has dated during these 3 yrs where they split and said he could be more open with other women then his own partner he was with for over 20 yrs.

Life is weird like that you know?

I mean I could have cheated, slept with a guy during all those yrs of the lack of sex at home and I was thinking "Why didnt I?" I could have?" and to be honest, Im not a girl who just wants to Fuck if you will. So even though I listen to those podcasts about cucks and guys watching their women have sex (which by the way, my spouse said he can understand why that is a turn on, seeing a guy F your wife) hes just not into the humiliation aspect.

But Im not just about Fucking someone, believe it or not. Im a connection person. Its an extension of that. So I never just wanted SEX because I didnt have sex, I wanted sexual intimacy and honesty with a person more then anything during all those painful yrs. I wanted to feel good, desired, sexy to my partner. My husband would tell me those things when Id cry and share in the painful moments but as a whole he didnt display that much so I didnt really feel that and that takes a toll.

What is funny is at those moments where I thought we arent going to make it, and considering splitting up or me even having my own place for awhile. My husband stepped up each of those times and came closer to me and matched often the things I was wanting out of him during those moments where I could have grown away from him. THose opportunities where I could have gone an explored something else. So they never came about.

Last yr on my trip to the homestead I got hit on, had been a long time since that had happened in person, eating at the bar restaurant in the little town, chatted with a guy for a good 2 hrs, who was in town to help his family, you know, farmers, small town America, and we talked about Joe Rogan, Jordan Peterson, all kinds of great topics and he was shocked I knew all this stuff and listened to these guys podcasts and guests, and he knew I was married and had kids, we talked about my sons, and he tossed out a comment towards the end that he wouldnt feel bad going out with a married woman, and invited me to a campfire back at the campground where he had his trailer set up. I declined. I enjoyed talking to him very much, it was great convo and made for a nice evening, but I didnt want to sleep with the guy. And I walked myself back to my place and got in bed and called my husband.

Ive done a lot of solo travel over the yrs, and my husband is cool, trusting, not jealous and encourages me and doesnt try to stop me from pursuing my dreams and goals. And Ive been gone for almost a month at a time away from him, yet at night, I want him on the phone to talk to, and even at his worst, about 2 wks into those trips, I was looking forward to going back home to him. Funny eh? I would ask myself "Do I want him gone out of my life? No not really I dont" as that time away would show me how life was like without him, it wasnt that it was terrible without him, its that I missed him, its that I truly Love him and I told him that. I just hated that the sexual component was so lacking and messed up for so long and I wasnt happy and that caused a big problem for us.

And here we are. Whole life turning upside down in a matter of wks. Right when I think Im in a dark hole a few wks ago and wrote an entry, he steps up to the plate and comes through again.

Except this is the final area, really this was the long time occurring issue at the root of much of the problems between us. I believe sexual intimacy and honesty, openess, being vulnerable to one another was lacking. And all the sudden thats been broken and chipped away.

So whats the deal with the long time guy friend? Why does he hold a place in my heart still? I heard it said from this expert on a podcast that women tend to have a 'backup" that it is a survival things that goes back, and as he dug into this found it common. I dont have a back up affair or anything like that. There is just a man I know I can count on, and he told me today if I ever need him that I need to call. I dont have any other male like that in my life. I have a somewhat close, a male friend since I was a baby, and I know hed be there for me, but hes dealing with so much right now, he had a heart attack I just found out recently but he just withdrew from me and I reached out 3 times, even my husband knew and we were going to see about stopping by his place on our way to the coast for a night but he was avoiding my calls and I didnt get it, then found out he had the stroke, he told me he was embarrassed and kept it to himself/??? So hes on a bunch of meds with bad side effects right now he said.

I really need a counselor again, Im 2 yrs without one now and prior to that Ive had once since I was around 25 on a regular basis. I just hate starting over and I dont live near any and not sure I want the online type, I prefer going to an office sitting down, so Ill have to find one in the bigger city, which is also where the 12 step meetings are and I need to go again also. Those are the closest I come to church and fellowship these days, those are more my people.