no name
2022-04-21 00:01:14 (UTC)

Heat; rising

I will stay awake until my stomach returns to normal. Will not eat until after I’ve slept and my stomach has returned to normal.

I shouldn’t have ate. Haha

So I’d been thinking about it.
It will never seem real. Not this body, this family, this world, none of it. The pleasant and unpleasant, all the same. While life may be capable of making me feel high levels of distress and joy, it’s all temporary, always. And I remain inside my head. Or whatever this is. Seeing, but not truly being.
I should’ve never gained consciousness.
I was on the right track.
It’s hard to think of these things.
Because it makes me feel sicker than I already feel.

The point is
It’s futile
To act on the feeling of this body
Futile to feel anything for it at all
Every is futile

Sometimes I’d think about people.
I don’t believe in everybody having a destined partner.
So when it comes to where I think I’ll end up in that sense,
The probability of me dying alone is the highest
And I can’t tell if I’m prematurely disappointed or glad at that.
Either way
I do wish—
Though I shouldn’t, for my own sake
—that I had someone on my side.

Someone real.
Someone tangible.
Someone willing.
Not biased by blood.

I feel bad, physically this time.
The chips and snacks.
Drinks and beverages that weren’t plain water.
Sauces. Oils. Greases.
Oh so disgusting, my diet.
Makes me want to turn myself inside out and empty my stomach out onto the floor.
Pull out my esophagus while I’m at it, is this heart burn? Perhaps.

I haven’t thrown up in years. Don’t plan on making it days. 😟
I don’t know where to go. This hotel, I don’t trust it. Not the sheets or floor or couch or seats.
I’m uncomfortable. It can’t be helped. I take my room for granted, it seems.
At least I have these stories to keep me company.
I think listening to stuff with headphones at night causes me to wake up with a headache.

It’s like the air I’m breathing in is directly brushing my heart, uncomfortably cold and dry. My nose has lost its moisture. Whether it’s from that stomach thing or the chlorine I nearly drowned in, im not sure.

It’s so bad.