GoodGirl

Past and Who am I?

Dear Diary,
Wasnt feeling so good yesterday afternoon and this am. Ever since I got sick a few wks ago, my energy has been zapped. I was tested for Covid, Flu and RSV and all came back negative. I just had mucus, cough and super tired a little achy, but the mucus and cough was the annoying part. I go to the clinic and they say my lungs sound great and had me tested, all came back negative, said to come back if it gets worse, I had a good day after that visit, was outside, felt normal, and then BAM, it was back. Went back in the following wk, my lungs sound great they said! And they said its allergies, which Ive never had, but makes sense. He said people moving here, their second yr often get hit badly. Great, never really had pollen allergies in my life. ANd the wind has been horrible, its dry and things are in the early blooming stages and weeds galore blowing around. I went outside 2 days ago to pull foxtails and goatheads before they get ahead of me, I took Allertec, stripped out of my clothing, got in the shower right when I was done and did the Neti saline nose rinse with salt water. But NOPE, once again, the next day I have that cough. And Im fatigued. Im frustrated, I literally am too tired to stand for long in the kitchen and cook and do things, Im at my best in the am but afternoon I just want to sit, my energy is gone. So maybe I had something else? Is this really what allergies due to you?

Ive also been sore from sex, a teeny tiny spot between the ass and the vagina, the skin there, I get a mirror to look and its a tiny red dot, so my guess is its some skin tear, it looks like nothing visually, but WOW it hurts and Im sure its from the fun toys which are a bit larger, so those toys are on the back burner, but man, when will this thing heal! I soak in a epsom bath, blow dry down there, apply witch hazel or an aloe type salve I have. And I also have a little burning so an ice pack between my legs. Yeah Im crazy, Ive been sick and dealing with all this and having sex the entire time, and not slowing down, maybe one day here and there, but Im so happy to be having sex again I dont want to miss out, its taken our entire lives together to get to this place and what if it runs out again, I dont want to miss out and Im so happy for it and well, I might feel crummy but I still get turned on.

So we leave soon to go pick up our new vehicle!!! Woohoo, called and got the insurance info set up, we are going to go out to Indian food after. I told husband he can drive the new car home, he for sure thought I would want too, but I will be driving it more and taking it out of state very soon long distance, so he can do this drive over an hour home and enjoy getting a feel of it.

I have to take something for pain each day also, I just have this dull achy feeling, run down and I have had this pain under my right armpit, I thought I strained a muscle and it was bothering me when I cough, went to get a massage yesterday and she worked on it and said it looks like my lymph node there that is causing the pain, ahhh, so she massaged it and Ive been doing heat and massaging the lymph the way she told me, also put a castor oil pack on it last night, will do it again, so obviously my body is trying to filter out something ick, and I still need to take Mucinex every day.

I kinda had a freak out last night, Im tired of feeling like this, I want my energy back and to work out and doing stuff around here, but instead I have just enough energy to get myself a shower, and make a meal (around noon) for us to have for dinner and then I go and sit back down. Granted I do get out here and there and do stuff, but this isnt my usual, Im a go getter, hustler and busy busy, this so isnt me, so many projects around here to work on! Is is the sex thats slowing me down? Then I get freaked out, thinking I have cancer or something, my lymph is swollen, Im low energy and achy and dont know why, why do I keep having this cough with light mucus, I dont want to keep taking tylenol or ibubrofen as Im more of a natural gal but they are all thats cutting it for the pain and aches Im feeling so Im taking them daily which also isnt my norm and not good for my kidneys. My husband told me to go and get all the exams I need done, Im way overdue on a mammogram and have to find out when they are here, its a mobile service and I just missed it, will need to find out when they return plus we have good ins again that covers it. Have had friends my age, 2 with breast cancer, lost my childhood best friend to colon cancer. ALl in their 40s.

Lost my mom to stuff having to do with the heart, and totally out of the blue. So there are some other things I have concerns about. Mom also had uterine cancer but found out right away and had a hysterectomy then radiation and was fine after that. So they are just things that make you realize anything can happen to any of us at any moment in time.

My big sis is now off work due to her back locking up on her, shes about 11 yrs older then I am, and working a hard labor night job and is crazy, already had a stroke, doesnt really need to be working, but wants her max benefits, even though she could retire now and should. I fear she wont make it out alive to be honest. She doesnt get enough sleep and I know shes diabetic but wont admit it.

My brother, hes the oldest, about 12 yrs older, and hes doing great, retired, remarried, lives in a beatiful place, has a business he set up for retirement, is traveling, working out, I swear he must be on testosterone because he has great energy and looks better then he ever has.

My middle sis, I have no idea whats up with her as she is on her 3rd marriage. Shes the one who go the degree, went to college, did well, first spouse died, second one they divorced and she was already involved with her business partner(my big sis clued me in yrs before) so I knew, well then she married the business partner, and well, I only get feedback from other sis, that hes blowing through all her $$, he has no retirement or anything to show for himself. So I dont know what she is doing, my middle sis is very sweet and compassionate but this isnt the life I ever invisioned for her. Shes super codependent but attends al anon meetings and has for a long time but is just always in situations enabling dysfunction (thanks Mom and Dad, she becamse the little adult who pleased you guys and did everything right and took on everyones burdens) but shes still doing it.

So yeah, and me, the baby.

So I had a good cry and sat in the tub last night, husband made us steak and asparagus, I told him I had no energy for dinner duty, and it was so good I devoured it! I soaked in the tub and he sat and talked with me, talked about my mind, my faith, how I was, how Im not her anymore but that was such a big part of me, and according to my "teachings" Im "Fallen away, backslidden, need to repent" I havent been to church in yrs (went once during covid when at the beach) I see my gf online protesting things, this is stuff I would have done over 10 plus yrs ago, and I see her and see the old me. She looks frumpy, no makeup, angry holding some yellow sign and was interviewed for tv, and she is calling herself a missionary and renting rooms, really has no job or a place anymore, she went through her divorce, used to live really well and gradually went from place to place, but had a good job, a degree, her daughter, but I dont know, its like she has become a person who plays a victim if you ask me, people like her and take her in, for cheap or no rent, but then she never progresses and is content to stay put so she is evicted (has been several times) they say they need the place their son is moving back home, shes getting married (when she rented a room) and shes always preaching Jesus at everyone, and the one she rented a room she told me she was marriage counseling the gal and her fiance, and it was just wierd to me, since when is she a marriage counselor? I am afraid to even chat with her online, text or phone because its going to be "Hows your walk with the Lord?" right off the bat and I know it! I blew her off her last message to me on facebook and didnt respond. Cant go there with her, Im done.

So I was in the tub and having a cry and saying that I dont even know who I am right now, and he was all "Who do you want to be?" and I said its more like Im undoing junk, peeling back layers, like undoing brainwashing, and the only thing I do know is that being loving and understanding of others is important to me. Not being so harsh. I had watched a youtube vid that sort of set me off the other day with Ray Comfort talking to youtuber Storm about Jesus and her sins and it once again reminded me of my old life and how I would talk to people. We would go out and minister to people on the street and to those in cults. And the attitude of the argument and trying to "Win" it. I remember what that is like.

My husband said we could start going to church , I said I wasnt sure that is what I wanted right now either, its like I dont think I fit in, I mean sure I can put on the christian mask, speak, and attire easily, but is that where I am now, and do I want to wear a mask?

So thats why I dont know where I fit, lots of christians are "deconstructing" these days as they call it but I notice many swing far Left when they do to the other extreme, and im not there either so I dont relate to them fully, I said to my husband "Im somewhere in the middle" and he said "Ahh you want to be libertarian like me!"

I dont even want to hear about politics either, Im so over everything thats gone on for yrs in that realm, and if you knew me, well yeah I was much more spoken and involved. Now I dont like to watch the news or follow much. I want to live on land and be in my own world, have animals, my own food and go to town when needed for things. I like being in my world. I like visiting the farms and picking flowers from local flower farms here and buying from organic places, and the locals who grow and have their own eggs, chicken, meats for sale.

Meanwhile we are going to run to Sin City for a Steamy Hot sex wknd to celebrate our anniv in advance because of husbands surgery. And we have never planned a sex trip in our entire relationship together,, I mean hes truly into it this time and we fantasize about the 3 days, our room, dressing up, bringing sexy toys, lingerie, drinking, gambling, hes going to get us edibles and Ive never had them before. The massage place with the sauna room, steam bath, tub, bed we get for an hour, and how are we going to spend it. This is all that matters to me at the moment, is being lost in pleasure with my partner, who was so different a few mos ago and I was so unhappy with how things were going, Really all of this change is very new, so its changed us as people, I was saying how is it really because we have a sexual relationship that I desire now and have always wanted that my life is changing? And the areas of unhappiness I had and how I filled the void, its like its POOF gone! The mechanisms I used to cope Im not doing. I gave up junk food, sugar, I gave up thrift shopping and hoarding crap, and I guess sex is my new fix? Or is it was is fixing us?

My husband can get fixated on things, but it was electronics, guns, his hobbies and his Aspie brain focus, he works on a computer, he works well with systems, has a great memory for that, and I always wished I could have that same focus, and here he is now doing that! Wow

And we just love eachother, support one another, build each other up. I felt so crummy last night and had a meltdown, but once I took an ibuprofen, soaked in the tub I was much better and we laid there rubbing one another in the dark, and I just had to show him how much I love him and be sexual. I did the whole late night prostrate massage and sucking him and trying a new plug out and it was all about him and his pleasure and its good, its different, Im not just the receiver, now he is. And bringing him to orgasm, and hearing that his legs are shaking afterwards and just holding him and seeing him go to bed afterwards. Its an accomplishment and a good feeling, not my norm also in my sex life as it was so vanilla before and very little happened other then straight intercourse. I have to tell him to put his hand down at times as he reaches out to touch me and i say "No Im fine, its your turn" and thats a good thing.

We had sex this am, normal sex and Ive had a harder time orgasming the way I used to lately, I can get all the way to the point but its like I dont go over the edge and i hear that often in the hormone therapy forums. Well this am I had one, the way I used to, grinding riding on top of him, ahhh YAY! Felt nice to know its still there somewhere!

Oh about 20 more min till we leave, Yay! Off to get our cool first new vehicle!