Gentleman ♀

Sick Of It

Hello,

I don't really have anything to write about but I'm bored so I'm gunna write anyway. Nothing entertaining happened today so I'm kind of stuck. I talked to Olivia yesterday so I guess I could talk about that. I texted her about how I was feeling like shit and how I was sick of anxiety and ADHD and she said she was sorry. After that, she changed the subject rather quickly. I was kind of hoping to talk about my problems for a bit longer than one back and forth but whatever. She started complaining about her grandma and I told her she should go tell her parents how her grandma was stressing her out. She did tell them and they offered her a melatonin type thing to get rid of her anxiety a bit. She joked that they didn't know how much she wanted one and I told her she should talk to them about getting some antidepressants. I explained them a bit and she asked me if I was taking any pills. I told her about the Zoloft and Larin and how I haven't felt the effects of Zoloft yet and she said she'd think about it. I don't mean to push her to take pills if she doesn't want to - that's not my intent - I just think they could help her. It's whatever she wants but I personally think she should give it a try.

While we were on the topic of anxiety and stuff I asked her if her parents know that she cut in 5th grade. She said they didn't know and I asked if she was sure. She said she was certain. That means my mom read my old diary, how fucked up is that? Then she lied to me and said that "parents talk?" What the hell? I told Olivia that my mom knew and promised she wouldn't say anything to her parents. I apologized that my mom was able to figure it out through me and she said it was alright. I feel really bad about it but I guess there was nothing I could have done about it. It's not my fault my mom's been reading my old diary. Thank god I switched to an online diary I guess. Although, now that I think about it, this is a public diary so anyone I know could read it if they wanted to. This is a popular diary site and I've casually brought up how my diary's public so I guess if I know you hi... Why are you reading my diary? That's kinda fucked if you ask me. Just sayin~

I swear, I'm so sick of anxiety and ADHD though. I tried talking to Olivia about it but she didn't let me talk much. It's not that she doesn't care, she'd just rather talk about her own problems than mine, you know? If I bring up my problems she quickly responds then starts talking about hers. If we talk about her problems she could go on for hours. Like I said, it's not that she doesn't care, she just... idk, gets bored? Either way, back to what I was saying. None of my school work gets done in time and nothing I do ever feels entertaining. I can't describe the feeling but I just always feel terrible. Not physically sick but my chest still feels heavy and I still want to throw up. I'm sick of feeling like this. Does everyone feel like this? It feels like I'm walking slightly above the ground. Like I'm floating... Falling? It's like a constant falling feeling. Like when you go over a big bump on the road and you get that feeling in your stomach- like that but constant. Not exactly, but close.

OUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I hate thisssssssssssssssssssssss! I'm so sick of everything! I don't even know what I'm sick of, just- everything! I'm sick of school, I'm sick of my friends, I'm sick of my family... Ough! I don't know anymore. I don't know what I don't know, I just don't know it. My entire world feels like it's falling apart and yet things keep moving forward. Sometimes I wish time would just freeze. Maybe if the world was frozen I'd have enough time to think everything over. If I could freeze time I could stop in the middle of a conversation and think up what to say. I'm no good at improv, it'd be a useful skill. I just want my friendships to go back to normal. Things seem awkward between us all. It's all pretty normal but Vinny's still acting odd... Or maybe he was always like this... I don't think so but I never really wrote about your average day till things started to get not-average. I wish things were easier in life. But I guess so does everyone else.

Yesterday I was talking to my mom and I guess we can talk about that. We were talking about my grandma and Jaylan and I brought up how she never goes over there with us. She said she doesn't really like going over there. It's not that she doesn't like my grandma, it's just that she's put a lot of stress on my dad and her. She said that my grandma is very self centered and so is the rest of my dads family.

Things are going better now. Obviously, nothing's completely better but it's better than before. Lunch was almost normal. Vinny said we might be able to hang out on Thursday and I was happy. I honestly thought he didn't want to hang out anymore so that's good. At lunch, Vinny asked if anyone wanted to sign a suicide pact (as a joke) but I reminded him we already have one. Our plan is to throw a toaster in a body of water we're both in and chill together in hell. After that, we got our food and ate lunch. On our way back Olivia was telling Vinny to close his eyes and let her guide him through the halls. He squinted and started walking and I put my hand in front of his ace but he dodged it. I did it again and our drama club teacher saw it and jokingly told me to leave Vinny alone. I slowly said no then walked away. Vinny and I laughed about and I fake punched him. After that, we went to class and that was the end of it. Not the most special thing but it gave me a glimpse of hope and had me happy for a while so that's nice.

You know, all my happiness is gone. I'm sick of school, I'm sick of anxiety, I'm sick of ADHD, I'm sick of existing. I'm sick of my mom too. Even just talking to her makes be burst into tears. She didn't even say anything bad this time I just started crying. Even the thought of her makes me on the verge of tears. It'd be meh but I do not cry in front of anyone else. I can hold it together in pretty much every other situation. Riley, my friend who I've known since 1st grade and been best friends with since 3rd had never seen me cry. Not once. And neither has any of my other friends. And on the rare occasion that I do cry in front of someone (usually the doctor) it's always only tears in my eyes, maybe two tears at most but with my mom I'm full-on crying for minutes straight. Nobody else makes me do this, it's just her. I hate this. I hate this I hate this I hate this.

I'd rather die at this point. I could never do it but I sure as hell want to. I can't take any of this any longer. I can't get shit done, I feel like shit, and my whole life's gone to shit. Nobody likes me, nobody really cares about me, and nobody will ever care about me. No matter what I do it's always just me fucking everything up then getting fucked over and I hate it. Why can't I be a normal person? Why do I have to fuck everything up? And the worst part is, I don't even care. I get nothing don't and I don't care. Even now I can hear my mom talking bad about me to my dad in the other room. It's one thing to complain about me and make sure I don't know and it's one thing to yell at me and not talk shit to anyone else but it's a completely other thing to say horrible things about your child to someone else. Have you ever had to listen to your mom talk shit about you behind your back? It hurts.

I don't even know what I'm saying, some poor kid's probably being raped or abused right now and I'm complaining about my mom talking. Fuck this. Fusk me. I'm a horrible person. I gottta go, I’ll write again soon. Bye.

~ Gentleman