Gone mental

Notes from my Black
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2022-04-19 10:58:00 (UTC)

Different exercise / Jump


Might as well jump… or be compelled to jump.

I’ve never felt so at peace with the thought of jumping out of an airplane as today while staring out the window. The announcements kept coming that we were expecting turbulence and indeed, it was a bit rocky, but I thought of a video I’d seen recently. The video showed a woman who performed solo ballet maneuvers in the air after jumping from a plane. It was lyrical and she seemed completely comfortable with the before, during, and presumably after.

The clouds are groups of puff masses as if they are clustered together at their party by choice. In the far distance the repetition of clouds mirrors a stereotyped desert scene, but at 36,000 feet, the temperature would obviously be in stark contrast.

So, the dilemma. Jump and finally feel the sensation I have only experienced in comparative fractional amounts? Should I retreat and live in my shell, safe and perfunctory? The heavy breathing gets me anxious, but I can’t tell if it’s anxiety from a happy expression of my emotions or is it that dark loathsome fearful meander life has periodically put in my path.

I close my eyes, the frigid wind pulls at my aged cheeks. My eyes tear beneath the safety glasses designed to keep the wind out. Am I crying? Is this trepidation in the extreme? Are my tears mere antecedents to my heightened consciousness?

I am acutely aware of everything. The wind. The firm hand of the instructor behind me keeps me locked in position. The slight fraying on the strap of my pack makes me take pause for but a moment. The slight oil stain of use on the pull cord handle. The worn paint removed from years of use on the handle at the door. This is my time.

This is my personal ballet. This is my time to reach for the ground and tumble in the air. I can scream, I can ball up and plummet. I find that I can be taught the nature of solemnity.

I am no master of aerial ballet, but I do fall like a twisted stone. I am silent.

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