Primal Screaming ⌘ Or, "My Friends Aren't Therapists & I Need to Vent"
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2022-04-19 00:08:22 (UTC)

The Audacity...

In my last entry that I posted late last night, I talked about my work problems and how I've been having a tremendously hard time functioning generally, not just at work. Because my boss pulls disappearing acts and doesn't do what she needs to do, or she does them really late. Sometimes MONTHS late. I mentioned how this leaves me to be the sole person running things most of the time, despite the fact that I am not "qualified, authorized, or legally able" to do many of the tasks that need to be done, as I'm just the administrative assistant. I also discussed how much this has been putting a strain on me, and how I have people coming to me for answers and help that I can't give them.

Despite all of that, up until now, I have done everything in my power to still do the best job I possibly can. I bend over backwards for our clients, and whenever there is something I CAN do without my boss, I make sure it gets done. But I have been so worn thin from everything, from the lack of communication, the people begging me for help for their serious [and frequently urgent] problems that I can't do anything about, and now the couple of clients who have been passive aggressive with ME as though I'm the one that's been screwing up, that I just can't take it anymore. My head has been in a fog for the last two weeks and I've barely been able to get anything done. I am struggling so badly, and so needlessly, because my boss can't be bothered to send me a text when she's going to need to reschedule, nor can she be bothered to run her own business, apparently.

So this morning, as I was struggling to wake up and get out of bed after another night of hardly any sleep, I got a text from her asking why the schedule was so bare. She said she feels like I hate this job and that she understands if I want to find something else, but that I need to let her know what I want to do.

... EXCUSE ME? I had to send you a text last week BEGGING you to do your damn job because I was having another panic attack at just the thought of looking at the messages that were waiting for me. And I've been dealing with this crap for months on end, and only just started to slip up now because I am so mentally spent due to YOUR negligence.

But, sure. Pretend that I'm the problem... I wanted so badly to text back and say, "If I had made appointments, would you have actually called these people? What does it matter since you never do anymore?"

INSTEAD, what I sent back was an apology for not doing what I was supposed to do last week [because, regardless of the reason, it is my job to do it] and explained for the second time that the pressure I've been under has been so severe that it's gotten to the point of being truly damaging. I said that up until now, I believe I've done an excellent job, but I need help and it can't just be me holding things together, especially when there are many things I can't do myself, and I don't have the answers these people need.

She responds, telling me she's sorry she hasn't been communicating and that she just wants me to be happy, and not to worry because we'll work it out and she'll call me later tonight.

It's now past midnight. She never called. I spent an hour and a half putting together a list of things we needed to address or go over again. I haven't spoken to this woman since December. All our interactions have been through text or email. How does she expect anything to get better? How does she expect to grow her business like this?

I'm so angry and exhausted that my voice sounds tired all the time now. If it were easy for me to find another WFH job that I knew I was actually capable of doing, I would have left by now. When I was younger, before my diagnosis, I would just jump into anything to get away from a bad work environment. Now that I'm older and I understand how my mind functions a little better, I know that that's an incredibly dangerous thing to do. And I don't want to jump out of the frying pan and into the fire for the umpteenth time in my life.

I'm only in my mid-thirties, but I'm way too old to deal with that crap anymore. And I'm too exhausted to deal with THIS crap anymore.

So where the hell do I go from here?

I need to get to bed so I can have a hope of functioning tomorrow. And I've got a grocery order coming in sometime before noon. I just wish my boss actually gave a damn. If anyone understands burn out, it's me, but to not even text me to let me know plans have changed? Come on, now.

Whatever time of day it is for you, I hope you're having a good one, friend.

~ Nyx