Gentleman ♀

Better? Worse?

Hey,

Today's going surprisingly well so far. I got to sleep in today and I still got ready on time. When I got to school and was walking to class I saw Vinny walking down the hallway a few feet behind me. I'm not entirely sure why he didn't say hi but it's probably because of what he said at lunch yesterday. Whatever reasons put aside, I decided to take it into my own hands and say hi to him. He asked me what I wanted and I was pretty confused. I asked him what he meant and he said he didn't know. Maybe he thought I was mad at him or something. I brushed off what he said and told him I just wanted to talk to my friend. He said alright and complimented my earrings. I thanked him and said that the "Easter Bunny" got them for me. We joked around about the Easter Bunny shopping at Hot Topic for a but then Olivia showed up. Olivia handed me a Kinder egg and a tube of candy from her bag right in front of Vinny and I felt bad. She brought two for me but none for Vinny. I ended up telling Vinny to take one but he said no. I insisted that he took one but he said no again so I just put the Kinder egg in his pocket and he accepted it. Then I pulled out some stuff from my bag. I gave Olivia the pack of caramel mocha peeps and Vinny a pack of gum. I told him I was sorry to give him a crappy looking gum pack but I wasn't sure if he liked coffee or not and I didn't want to risk it. He said it was alright and accepted the gum anyway.

After that, he asked if we wanted to go up to kidder with him after school. He said he was gunna walk his dog up there and we could finally meet her. Apparently, after school, once he finishes his homework he's gunna text Olivia the time and she's gunna relay the message to me. I don't see why he can't just text me too but whatever works I guess. As long as we're all three hanging out I have hope that we'll figure everything out. I'm just glad we're not all mad at each other. I kinda expected Vinny to be mad at me still but instead, he seemed almost afraid I was mad at him. He should have known better but I can't blame him. I never actually get mad at people for stupid stuff like that. I know I can be a bit overwhelming and it's okay if they snap on me. It's all good.

I don't really know what to talk about now... I'm all out of things to talk about. I want to keep writing though. Ummmmmmm... music! Lately, I feel like my brain is just white noise so I've been listening to songs that are pretty much my only thoughts throughout the day. Bees In My Head by Kittydog is pretty good. The Daycare Theme from FNAF SB fits the criteria too. I guess that's about all I have so far but they're still good songs.

It's after school now and I'm in detention again. Turns out Kiarra's here too which is cool. It's me, her, a girl named Fallon, and boy named Brandon. We're all here for tardys. Once again, it's pretty chill so I don't mind it. I'm gunna be here for a while so I'll probably write a lot. This paragraph is short but I have nothing else to say really so these last two'll just be short.

I've been thinking about that party at Emmas with her and Quin and goddamn am I gay. I mean, I don't necicarily want a partner yet nor do I have a crush on anyone yet but I swear, every move Quin makes is HAWT. I know that's cringey but let a girl dream, okay? She's got a boyfriend and I'm not into dating but if we were older and the situation was different I'd totally be into her. We were sitting on Emmas bed and talking when Emma pulled out her old pair of glasses. We ended up trying the pair and when it was my turn I did one of those lybrarian moves where I tipped the glasses down and Quin recorded it. When we looked back on it she said I looked hot and my brain just meltedddddddd. Me? Hot? Wow-

Another good looking person in Vee. That's the girl who did Vinnys makeup at drama club. Quin Emma and I were looking back at photos and we came across a picture of Vee. Quin started talking about how hot she was and I had to agree. Even before I knew her from drama club I'd see her in the halls and think how pretty she is. Why are there so many pretty girls at our school? Damn. Scarlette is pretty too. She's kinda punk/kinda alt/kinda witch looking but it's really working for her. She's really nice too but she's not very mentally stable... She drinks and smokes and vapes and gets high in only 7th grade! She's also been in and out of mental facilities for trying to kill herself on multiple occasions. It really sucks that things are even allowed to get this bad and I hope she straightens out as she gets older. She's the one who took a puff of her vape in my shoulder the one time. Ngl, it was kinda hot but also, don't vape.

Like I said, I'm not into dating rn, but I can't wait till I am. Does that make sense? I don't think I'd enjoy dating someone rn cause we're too young and I don't really know anyone but once I'm comfortable with the idea of dating someone I think I'd really enjoy it. I know that's the whole point but there are still some aromantic people who just don't date at all so idk. Just the idea of talking to someone and doing fun stuff on dates with them and calling them beauitiful every time I see them~ It sounds amazing. I know this sounds weird coming from a smol child but really. I think it'd be nice to have someone like that. Maybe it's just because Olivia said something but I could see us being like that one day. I'm probably just being weird but oh well. She's very pretty and I trust her to keep a secret and not judge me. I wouldn't want that right now though... or ever? I don't know! Maybe I don't like her! Do I? This is hard, I've gotta stop thinking about it. Maybe another time.

It started snowing out so I guess I'm not going to the park with Vinny and Olivia. It also sucks cause I'm only wearing a t-shirt and jean jacket. I will probably end up texting Olivia later though. We walked past eachother in the hallways and she gave me a hug and dragged me off to the side. We talked about how they got "the talk" in health class and how she almost puked. I told her it was only gunna get worse from now and then we went to class. On my way to detention I saw her again. I told her that I wasn't going to be able to text her imedeately after school and she said alright. I saw Vinny too and he asked where I was going. I told him I was going to detention and he asked me why but I couldn't answer due to the wave of students pushing him away lol. If he asks again tomorrow I'll tell him but I'm not texting his mom just to let both of them know why I got detention.

I think we only have five minutes of detention left but damn am I bored. It's nice here and nobody really cares what we're doing as long as it looks like homework but it still gets boring pretty quickly. Thank god we're going home soon. My mom probbly forgot about me so maybe I can carpool with Kiarra. I doubt it but whatever. My mom wouldn't forget about me, she's just consistently late to everything. It's like our life runs about 10 minutes behind everyones for no reason. Aways around 10 minutes late. It's the [insert last name] curse lol. Always late. Detention started at 2:45 and now it's 3:50 but I’m only supposed to be here for an hour but oh well.

I’m home from school now and not much has happened. My mom thought I had a two hour long detention so I had to call my aunt to call my mom to pick me up. She had her phone turned off so that’s why my mom called her. When I got in the car the first thing my mom did was yell at me about my homework which - fair enough - I didn’t do, but it still sucks for me. I have an entire essay I forgot to write and it was due like a month ago. Everyone thinks I have it done and is waiting for me to turn it in so I guess I’m fucked. The Wi-Fi’s down though and nobody knows how to fix it so I guess I’m off the hook for now. I’m technically grounded though, I shouldn’t even be writing this lol.

I hate anxiety. Today went really good as far as my outfit looking nice, my friends being happy, and no classes being boring but I still feel like shit. Lately my only emotions have been annoyed, anxious, and numb. Gaminess doesn't last for long and when it is there it doesn’t feel right. Something always seems to be missing and I hate it. Why can’t I just be a normal person? I wish I could run away to a far away place and just leave all my problems to magically fix themselves. Too bad that’s just a wish. Though I guess a perfect place would only feel perfect for so long. At least here things are interesting. That doesn’t mean I completely like it here, I’m just finding a bright side to not being somewhere else. Imma go eat my alfredo now. That’s another good thing about here, garlic alfredo. The sauce of the heavens!

I’m back, the Alfredo was bland, my day is ruined! Jkjk, today wasn’t a good day anyway. No matter how much salt I put on this bitch it never tastes any better. Oh well. I just wish I felt less meh. I’m so absolutely bored all the time and it’s hell. I just want to sleep or take a shower or anything that requires no brain power. I’m seriously sick of existence itself. I just want to me happy. It feels like numbness and boredom and like I’m always about to throw up yet never quite about to throw up. It feels like blandness and sadness and like everything takes way too much effort. Things have just went to shit lately and so have no clue what to do.

I feel like shit, my friends feel like shit, and my cats gone so that’s shit too. My family’s shit too. Everyone, my extended family too, has anxiety, anger issues, and tons of other mental issues. They’re all screwed therefore I’m completely screwed. If I weren’t too scared I’d want to die right now. Even putting a hole in my skin feels like too much effort whether that be cutting or picking, I don’t even know. I just want to not be conscious. Or if I am conscious I want to be somewhere where I don’t have to deal with anyone or anything. I think that’s why I love the shower so much, you can’t force me to do anything right away while I’m in there. I can’t to homework or go hang out or do chores. Everything is by my decision. I could be wrong but that’s my running theory. Maybe I’ll text Olivia in a second. I could probably talk to her about all my depressing issues. But then again I don’t want to ruin her mood, and I think her grandma’s over… we'll see I guess. Oh well. This entry is getting long so I'll leave it here but I'll probably write another one today so stay tuned I guess. Bye.

~ Gentleman