GoodGirl

Just us for Easter

Dear Diary,
Well we got a full nights sleep! Whew, we really need it. We ended up having a convo midday, my husband was in his head again and struggling with some self imposed negativity he does to himself. It was really out of the blue on such a great day, and hes not the best at expressing himself in a positive way, so it really threw me off and upset and confused me. All he really wanted to know in the end is "Is everything okay with how I view him sexually?" and of course it is,, its more then okay! But he needed that validation, and I get it, Im the same, we always want to feel that from our partner, but I was so confused why of all times he wasnt feeling that, so I took it to mean it was a jab at me, and in the end, it wasnt, it was what he was doing to himself, which is why I say, so much of sex is mental, like many things, our mind, our past, our tapes in our heads, our programming, religion, experiences all shape who and what we are and how we see this thing called sex, and we often dont realize how things on our life have shaped it for good and bad. We arent conscious of triggers that set us on a spiral, that come from some comment, or treatment by someone, or an abuse from our past, our a voice in our head.

We ended up having sex again, tried out another of the cool sleeves he got, this one is a tentacle one. They are super soft and dont hurt, but have interesting shapes and textures. We just had a good time. THis was over dinner time and by the end I was so exhausted, forget cooking! Luckily I threw the quiche in the oven for a snack before we were in the bedroom, so we both got up, ate, collapsed on the couch to watch a movie, I literally was so wiped out I couldnt talk. After the movie and it was getting dark, we knew we needed to eat more, it was Easter, not much is open, and we didnt prep anything. So I said "I can make us smoothies" and that was our dinner! Kefir, berries, kale, hazelnuts, chia, hemp and a blob of peanut butter. Worked out just perfect, the peanut butter makes it! I then made a bath and soaked in the last of my CBD bath soak, husband came and sat in the bathroom with me and we talked, and vice versa, I hopped out and he got in the tub and I sat next to it and we talked about our upcoming Vegas wknd. We are both excited. And both a little titallated perhaps for a sexy wknd.

We were talking the other night about strip clubs. I have never been to one, other then a male revue show at a club in my hometown, but that was just a bar with dancing and 4 guys dancing in costumes all seductive down to their underwear and a bunch of women hooting and hollering. Never been in a female club, seen women strip other then in a movie or tv, but I know the jidst of it, but I asked him what its like as he has been a few times in the past before we were ever together. I remember when we met that he said he found them depressing because sure a woman will give you attn as long as you are throwing cash at her, and then she walks away. But the idea of going with me has him a little excited, he said we could go if I want to. I dont know if I want to, curious fun factor maybe, but I dont want to overdue it either, you know all this new stuff, you can push yourself too fast and too hard to try new things and too much at once and get overwhelmed and trigger something negative also.

What we have discussed is drinking, we dont drink a lot and especially since we are on Keto not at all, but we are the type to have a drink out for dinner etc. So we will be drinking in Vegas, that is our splurge, Im a light weight, so wont take me much to feel buzzed. But he talked about getting some edibles. I do have some gummies but they are pretty tame for anxiety and we use CBD oil for pain or things like that as part of our medicine cabinet, cbd salves for the body, massage and bath soaking. So Im game for trying something a little more potent. Ive never been one to smoke or get high, never had either habit, tried both once in my entire life and that was it. I was a christian mom with kids in my home, didnt want any of that around and my ex after our split exposed my kids to all that an more and provided it, so of course I wanted my home to be a safe place with none of that going on, my husband did smoke weed before me and a bit as we dated but I told him I didnt want it in my home and so that was it really, never brought up really again. So I think if anything that we will see about this wknd. Hes done E before, various drugs (other then heroin) in his past, he was in the punk rock scene, had the mohawk, drugs and things I didnt experience growing up. I was busy in church youth group and planting churches and hanging out with girlfriends writing fan letters to our celebrity crushes. So we had it much different as far as growing up.

So hey, we are grown adults, we have no kids in the home, and I think we can stand to have a little fun. Things I havent done, things he hasnt done in over 20 plus yrs, and so its kinda like our own mini spring break together to let loose, well its Vegas you know? We are going to the spa with the steam bath, sauna, shower and bed too, I said "DO you think we will have sex in there?" :) Oh we will do something, never done anything really like that outside of our home. Sex has always been pretty much in a bed. Im more of the adventurous one, want to do it other places in the house or in a car, etc. Hes less inclined but hes loosening up. Hey we at least have finally broken in the living room sofa! I told him when we get the new car something is going down in there!

Well today I need to do some cooking, we plan to be good, stay healthy eating all wk and on track until Vegas. I have some appts to make, need to do my workout, wash the bedding, Maybe go outside and pull some of the dang foxtails that have popped up in the lawn. See life is everyday also and normal. I have to take apart the ceiling fan the electrician took down, Im going to reuse it elsewhere on some property we own out of state and take it there on my next trip.

My interests, hobbies, all of that have shifted since going on hormones. I have worked in a particular field for over 10 yrs, I enjoy it, I wanted to open a shop as my goal but with real estate right now buying a building is ridiculous and limited where we live, so nothing has happened. We have rental properties but need a plumber for a shower fix and once again having trouble with the labor pool to fix it right, its a little more complex then what I know to do. So once that is done we will get that rental filled again. Its a vacation property. I do all the cleaning and setting up between guests. But we close up for winter and re open, which I would be now but need the repair done.

I used to thrift shop, yard sale, for things vintage, antique, collectible. Ive been an online seller, a store vendor, you name it, and thats been my life and where a lot of my social circle and friends came from. But since moving out of state and not having a shop, Ive still shopped which turns into hoarding all these treasures to sell. Ive been doing this since my ex and my kids were small. My ex kept us broke all the time, blew our money on stupid stuff, and we were always strapped for bills and food, and my mom always loaned me money to get by, so once I found online selling, it helped me get through all those rough patches of my idiot ex. I could buy groceries, gas in the car with each item I sold and that money came directly to me. So it was a protective mechanism and saved my ass. But I dont need it now, its more for fun. And I dont know if I want to do it anymore? Which is wild to say that as its all Ive talked about.

I actually am thinking of donating items Ive been stashing away, I have lots of stuff in boxes and tubs, I want to get some back on the internet, but overall I want to just donate a lot and not have it filling space.

So I have no idea where this all will lead me, plus my husband is hoping to retire within 5 yrs and he wants to go into a tour business for fun afterwards. So who knows. I have a property here, that we can turn into something else other then a vacation rental if that gets old (but right now that is lucrative) so we continue on, but I could use it for a business of another type also. Ive thought of maybe some baked goods, specialty thing, down the road as its popular here, lots of self made ladies around here selling desserts and doing well at it in their own time.

Who knows, but hopefully my energy will be good today and I get somethings done around here.

We laughed last night as my husband said "If you talked to us 4 mos ago, who knew we would be having dirty sex twice a day?" and we just laugh, and we both say "We should really cool it and slow down" but then we are laying there together and a thought pops into one of our heads and before you know it,,,? well

We did do some more thought provoking questions last night laying in bed, those are fun, I love them, but we have covered so much already that I needed new ones.

We ended up on some juicy topics last night, cheating, affairs, secrets you havent told your spouse, and last night I confessed something Ive never told him, something I had shame about since I was younger, and its been on my mind and I was afraid to tell him that part of me, that hed think bad of me, and I said it eats at me, the shame. Well he got really curious and was trying to guess and I kept saying No. No worse, no. I wont tell you unless you tell me something equal.... He ended up after a bit, saying "Well is it as bad as me telling you that I ........." and what he admitted was the very thing I had done! I said "Oh well you just made this ten times easier" and well, I got that off my chest, my ex was the only person who knew this about me and him being a narc ahole would use that against me or Im afraid say something to our kids to smear me, etc. So I vowed not to say it again. But it had been eating at me as we share so much and I was afraid to share (wont type it here either) but once he admitted to having done the same, I could share it, and we held hands, high fived that we both understood, he said he didnt think bad of me, it was part of younger life exploration....not that its something we want to share with others or we would brag about, but its not the worst, and it probably happens more then we realize, just nobody will admit to it out loud.

So yeah, that was fun, and we did top 5 things we were grateful for about one another... He said that I was kind, sexy, patient, that I listen him,,, I forget what else. I told him that he was strong, his intelligence, his arms, his humor, ...

Going over those things we love, but at times forget about, or even nag about but what are drew us together in the first place and having an appreciation for them.

Well I better go for now!