Primal Screaming ⌘ Or, "My Friends Aren't Therapists & I Need to Vent"
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Decent Few Days/Worried About Work
The last couple of days since I posted my first entry were actually pretty decent, even with the heavy depressive episode.
I got to meet a long-time friend in person for the first time. It was lovely. We were both around for some of the worst parts of either of our lives and managed to get back in touch after a couple of years where we lost contact.
The gift my bestie got for me for Christmas finally made it to him, so he was able to give it to me after a long delay. And I felt bad because he had been so excited when he got it, and then it took so long to get here. I didn't mind the wait in the slightest. It was nice to be thought of and that he would have gotten me something so cool because he has one and thought I'd like it, too. I'm the kind of person who typically prefers giving gifts to receiving them, but it always makes me happy when people think of me and it's obvious that it was something they picked out of love.
I also finally got my hair cut after a couple of years of not being able to between financial instability and everything going on in the world, which felt so refreshing. I feel like myself again. At least as much as I can with everything... So that's a win.
I am worried about tomorrow, though, when I have to work. I've been having an incredibly difficult time getting anything done lately and my ADHD has been especially hard to manage, in addition to the depressive episode. I didn't go to bed until 7am yesterday and I feel so worn out. I had told my boss I was going to have something done on Thursday before I began my days off [I'm only part-time], and then I just... Couldn't.
This is my boss' fault, though, to a large degree. I don't say that to pass blame. I say it because she has been slacking so badly, for such an extended period of time, that I've had to continually play catch up on the backlog that she creates, in addition to handling a lot of difficult situations that should never have happened and wouldn't have had she simply communicated better with me or done what she needed to do up to now. She has a really good reason for not being 100% together recently, but her inaction has been a problem since before this happened, and had that not been the case, we wouldn't be so backed up and disorganized right now. And that's even before you factor in that there are a lot of things that people were coming to me to have addressed that I am not qualified, authorized, or legally able to handle, myself. Meaning she was the one that had to do it. And then it just never got done and I was never made aware of it until I had someone frantically coming to me for updates that I couldn't provide and that she wasn't responding to my messages to obtain.
She's aware of my mental health. That's why she told me to come work for her, so I could get out of my last job that was overwhelming me to the point of a full on anxiety attack nearly every shift. But this was the second time, now, that she's basically vanished on me and left me to the proverbial wolves without so much as a text to let me know she wouldn't be able to do anything in her schedule. And I work remotely, so it's not like I'll just see her at the office. So I'm left wondering how long it's going to be until the next time I have to send her a message practically begging her to do her job. Or to pay me. Or to just give me a single reply.
So... Yeah. That's why I say that my inability to function or do my job right now is largely because of her. When I signed up to do this, I knew that there would be difficult days because we're dealing with clients who are going through some of the worst things in their lives and they need help navigating that. That sort of thing sticks with me and I try to do whatever I can for them, however little I'm able to. I knew that that would be something I had to deal with. What I did not sign up for, and what I should not be dealing with, is the uncertainty and the anxiety of not knowing if my boss is going to disappear on me again and leave me to run her business despite not being able to do all of the things that she does. It's not right and it's not fair, and it's damaging me now, along with all the people we are supposed to be helping.
She keeps telling me she wants to pay me more [and, frankly, she should because I've been handling all of this as best as anyone in my situation possibly can up until the past couple of weeks because my brain has completely checked out now] and that she wants to grow the business, but neither of these things will happen if she keeps this up. Neither of these things CAN happen until she starts doing what she needs to do.
Anyhow, that's all from me for now. I'm exhausted from the lack of sleep last night and I'm going to actually be good and go to bed haha. I had planned on having some ice cream and watching the rest of an episode I started earlier, but I can barely keep my eyes open anymore.
Whatever time of day it is for you, I hope you're having a good one, friend.