Gentleman ♀

I Don’t Want To Overshadow Your Problems

Hi,

I finally have some good news for you guys! The party was way more fun than I expected! It was just Emma Quin and I and it was great. We watched tv, looked at a stink bug (named Axebod E Spray), played some version of charades, and listened to music. It was so great. Quin and Emma were singing songs from Heathers and when I asked if I could watch it Quin showed me the free version on YouTube. We also did this thing where we played some auto tuned remix of Jacksepticeye and danced to it. It was great. We did this thing where we “caressed” each other’s faces and that was fun too. It’s a long story of why we did that but maybe I’ll tell you later. Emma’s brother was there and he was chill too. He’s a trans dude and 16 so y’all know he was cool. Emma’s mom was amazing too. She let us listen to material girl and cuss and stuff. I know it sounds stupid but I’m literally 13 so it was cool. 11/10 would do again!

Another fun thing that happened recently was a sleepover I had with Kiarra. We went on a walk like I told you about and then we went to my house and had a sleepover. My parents went out to do something or other so me and Kiarra blasted music off the Alexa and scream-sang to it while dancing for like 2 hours. It was great but after that we were so tired we went to sleep at 10:30. We didn’t even eat our candy till the next morning. Speaking of the next morning, KIARRAS NAME IS SPELLED WITH TWO R’s! I’ve literally been spelling it with one R for years! She joked that it was spelled with one R a few years ago and I believed her! Nobody noticed because I spell it Kirara over text. I feel dumb. After that I was supposed to hang out with Vinny and Olivia but that didn’t work out so my mom my sister and I went to see The Batman. It was a good movie but my mom didn’t see it was 3 hours long and she was mad. I liked it though, it wasn’t too bad. Batman looked like an angsty teen though.

We all knew I’d end up talking about it again so let’s just get it over with. I can’t stop thinking about Vinny! I just want my goddamn friend back! We were just starting to get close… What am I gunna do. Me and Olivia already agreed to not let anything get between us no matter what rn because we need each other but I think we need Vinny too. I know we need Vinny too. Like I said, it’s us three against the world. I though we needed each other you know? But everything’s falling apart and we all feel like it’s our fault.

I wish Vinny talked to me and would trust me more but I know he won’t. I don’t blame him. On Friday he yelled at me and I don’t know what to do after that. I don’t want to make him think he upset me but I also don’t want to seem like I don’t care. I want whatever’s best for my friend.

Olivia texted me again today and we only talked for a bit but I got some useful stuff. She asked me how I was doing and I said I was better than yesterday and that the party was good. She said she was doing Okay. Apparently her friend put on the musical and skipped to the Story Of My Life song (the one with Vinny’s solo) and she almost broke down. Her dad put on Shrek too which just made it worse. It’s kind of funny how emotional one movie can make you. Especially Shrek. I told her I was feeling emotional at that part at the drama club meet too. I said that emotions are shitty and she agreed.

After that I asked her if we were overreacting about everything. She said she didn’t know. I told her my doubts about Monday and she told me her doubts too. I don’t think it’s gunna happen now unless the time feels right and I’m feeling brave. I told her about my emotional Gwen Stefani looping (Don’t Speak by No Doubt) and we had a small laugh. That’s probably the most angsty teen thing I’ve ever done. Being a teenager sucks ass.

I was feeling like shit so I sent Olivia this, “And I know I say this like every day now but I really feel like a shit friend. I want him to feel like he can talk to me like he talks to you but I feel like I have no right to want that from him.” But apparently Olivia disagreed. She told me that I wasn’t a shit friend and that I had every right to want him to open up to me. I sent this back, “ I feel like I don’t [have any right] though. Maybe I’ve just been treating him like shit for years and never even thought about it. I though it was a joke but if he just saw it as me being an ass I wouldn’t be open with me either. I know he doesn’t talk to you much anymore but he never talked to me like that. I don’t know how to fix it.”

I had to go for a sec after this so Olivia told me a lot while I was gone. The first thing she said was that I should probably tell Vinny that I meant everything as a joke. That sounds like a good idea to me, I think I’ll do that Monday if I get the chance. The next thing she said was that she had a theory. A theory on why Vinny talks/talked to Olivia but not me. She said that it’s because she’s “been through a pretty decent amount of crap” and she talks about it a lot. It kind of sounded like she was saying I haven’t been through crap but she apologized for sounding like that and I know she meant well.

According to her, I don’t talk about my family or my problems much compared to her. She said I was the therapist friend - good at listening - and Vinny just needs to see that. She said that she doesn’t know what crap I’ve been through and she has no right to assume anything but she knows it’s been a lot (especially recently). Apparently Vinny just needs to realize these things about me. She said that people like to keep things quiet and that it’s okay if I want to too but she’s just given up on keeping quiet herself.

She apologized for sounding rude but I came back and assured her it was okay. I told her that I thought I was more open. According to her I am relatively open, I just don’t talk about my family too much (other than that one time they ripped my door off it’s hinges). She said she understands if I don’t want to talk about anything “cause friends cause chaos” but then she had to go. We said our goodbyes and that was it. This conversation was good but I wish it lasted longer.

It got me thinking, am I an open person? I always thought I was an overly open person but maybe that’s the problem. I say stuff but I try to be as vague as possible. People like to talk about themselves too so if I’m not literally crying about it they tend to change the subject. Not to toot my own horn but I try really hard to let people talk about their problems and feel heard. I know what it feels like to not be heard so I make sure they know they can talk to me. I listen to their favorite songs, look into their interests, and respond when they talk about their problems.

Back to me though, I just don’t want to hog the spotlight. Why do they care if I cut myself? Why do they care if my mom told me her and my dad haven’t gotten any better since they almost divorced? Why do they care if I need meds to feel wanted? Olivia’s cut a few times and I don’t want to seem like me cutting is any more important than her cutting. Vinny’s parents are divorced so at least mine aren’t yet. Vinny’s seeing a therapist too and I don’t want to overshadow that with my mom looking for a therapist for me and me taking meds now. I just don’t want to take the attention away.

Am I being dramatic? I think that’s what I’m afraid of. Overshadowing my friends problems and overreacting to my problems. It sucks but I think that’s the source of my “not being open” problems or whatever. I don’t know… I should probably go to sleep anyway. I’m sure me and Olivia will talk again tomorrow and I’m sure I’ll be nervous still so I’ll write again soon. Buh bye!

~ Gentleman