Evolving marriage
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2022-04-17 02:34:00 (UTC)

Life more Thrilling

Dear Diary,
Just got back from dinner out. Husband needed to go shower and all, I told him to take his time as I wanted to go "write" as I call it (what I do here) He sits and writes in a journal. Ive had journals since Jr High. I continued pen and paper until my marriage to my ex, I didnt trust to put things on paper with him around and what he would do with it. Later I found online journaling and have done that since, just sometimes more then others and at different stages in life. I typically have always had a therapist/counselor also, but never really delved much into sex very deeply into any of my sessions. Im learning a lot from other places. The Incest diary here has given me some moments of real introspection lately, not that I was in an incest relationship but I relate to a lot of what she writes. Ive also learned a lot from reading, books, forums, podcasts. Strictly Anonymous podcast is fascinating to listen to, I do it on youtube. All types of crazy stories of what people are doing in their lives sexually or have done. They also have a confession line you can call and leave a 4 min message.

So last 2 days, have been fun. I wanted to write more last night but I was falling asleep typing. My husband took a lunch break on friday, after I was feeling better and in better spirits, showered, I ended up cleaning house, cooking dinner ahead of time and put a quiche in the oven for later. But prior to that? We had a lunch break, and he was the lunch. I said how I wanted to lick and play with his ass more. So that is what happened, he must have taken off over an hour from work for lunch, he typically does 30 min, perks to work at home, but now hes a boss, better pay but more responsibility. So the office sits right next to our bedroom so I pass him coming and going. So I marvel at how hes in the bedroom and we are having so much kinky fun time and then hes right back in his chair being the boss, ah if people only knew whats going on. :) I said to him when we were done "Should I leave things out, should we continue this later?" and he said Hmm, sure, I told him he could change his mind, no big deal. I stayed in the stockings, just pulled my ripped jeans on over them and left the little top half shirt on with it, and did all the cooking and cleaning as his sexy girl.

He has a bit of work stress end of day, so he was so happy to be done, I told him to go shower and come relax. And we laid together, I encouraged him to vent a bit, we played some more, then ate dinner and watched Dateline on the couch! We havent hung out on the couch in a few wks (pretty much since the new bed and now with all the activity) we pretty much eat dinner and get right into our room. So the living room is neglected (when prior we spent most nights on the couch with the tv and falling asleep together out there.)

Im proud of my husband, the Aspie things, he gets in his head a lot and can over think things, and Ive just spoken up at times, he thanked me today during our sexy time together, I got 2 packages today! One was a prostate massager vibrator, it came super fast from Amazon and it is really nice, nice packaging, bag, box, and well, I tried it out on him tonight, he was trying to hard to do things and too much and I finally said, stop, let go, just relax, stop trying to do everything, just let it happen and he laid back on the bed and took a breath, and within a min or so he was cumming. He thanked me before dinner, said he was starting to get spun out and in his head and that his mind was going left (not in a good way, self sabotage) and that he snapped out of it and just relaxed and all turned out well. He said today "Where did you learn to do that?" as far as licking his ass. I said I didnt really know, I just really wanted to do it the min he suggested pegging, it was my first thought as a warm up to get relaxed and the area ready. I havent really had it done to me, Im sure my ex licked me there a time or 2, but nothing much I remember. I didnt even know it was something that would excite me so much to do. But I just new I wanted to try it on him to get aroused and relaxed. And it worked! He just said "Wow, where did you learn to do that? It makes me want to try it on you" I explained it as I was doing it, saying each movement, what I was doing with my tongue as I did it. I told him "Think of it as using your tongue to make love" and let it out that way. Its a mindset, and I move my body, and get into it. Be sensual, express everything through your mouth, tongue, you can do this just the same with your hands, with massage, you can close your eyes and massage someone and make it erotic, think of your touch and how your doing it and let sexual energy flow as you do it. You dont have to be grabby and direct, its light, sensual, teasing almost like when you touch someone just around all the areas next to their private parts. It builds anticipation and wanting.

He came yesterday from pegging for the first time! And today for the first time with the prostate massager, Id say thats a win!

What was so hot yesterday was when he got on top of me, pegging him and he was moaning and looked me straight in the eyes as Im on the bottom looking up at him and he said "Is this how it feels when I fuck you?" and I said "Yes, all the time, see why I love it so much?" That was HOT. Its really addicting right now, to be able to do things to him like this, his legs were shaking and he was jello last night even during dinner he was zoned out and loopy. He said his legs were still shaking at dinner. I said "Welcome to how we feel" that isnt uncommon, for me to go weak in the legs after sex, or them to get shaky. So this is causing all sorts of learning from both of us as to how the other partner feels before, during and after sex. Now Im fucking him and going slow, fast and hard mixed. Im using my hips, although I do pretty much already so that part isnt as hard, but I have to guide it in just right. Hes having to recieve, allow himself to be open, mentally and physically. Its so strange and Ive listed to pegging paradise podcast about this, great podcast by the way! Shes really informative and its not all dirty sounding, matter of fact and going over it, what it is, how it works, why, myths, etc

A few wks ago, my husband and I didnt even utter such things to one another, for almost 20 yrs we hardly talked in depth about sex, I thought we did, but we both had so much held back, for fear or what one another would think. We had assumptions as to one anothers responses, and each time we told one another things, we opened up and felt a bit more trusting and safe with each other, we started to open up more and more, we laid in bed at night and Id google "Sexy questions for couples" and we would do those and have such fun long convos until we were about to pass out. We learned things we didnt know about one another, or more details. Such as I have never seen my husband masterbate, I didnt even think he did it anymore because of the low sex drive issue. He told me he does, but not too often, and I said Id love to see him do it sometime, his response was that it was weird to think of doing that, but I commented on how Ive done it in front of him before and is he bothered by it? So in the last wk Ive encouraged him with me watching but also encouraging him sexually as its happening, but that I want to see how he holds and jerks himself.

Im not anti masterbation, although I would have said the opposite perhaps many yrs ago. But that was because of teaching in the church, but Ive never really thought it wrong, if porn wasnt involved and one was married and just wanted to have sex and couldnt, I thought it was a healthy way to deal. But it was always a secret, didnt tell my spouse, thought I would get judged over it.

We had the electrician today, he came at 8am and its funny how I just want alone time with my spouse now, and Saturday am we can lay in bed, no work, just us or routine and had to put that off, but we got so much done today, the guy who came is awesome and did work for us before, he was here till about 1:30 and got so much done for us, Im so happy, many light fixtures done, really changed the rooms, they are antique and reproductions, and he put in an outlet, switch and lights in the half bath we had put in but needed that part finished. So after he left, we both came and sat in our bed after cleaning up the house from the work and things moved around, breaking down boxes, and eating lunch and we just sat in our bed, side by side, silent and I thought "Oh I better not mention I could still fool around again, hes going to think this is too much" he said "Whats bouncing around in your head?" and I made some comment and then the concern I was too much, he replied "Oh fuck that, get over that" LOL! Mind you about a month ago I was asking him this same question and he settled on sex about 3 times a wk, otherwise I was asking too much, so as you can see, this is why I have concerns, this is SO NOT OUR NORM AT ALL! EVER!

I said to him "Are we going to look back on this down the road and say "Remember when we were having so much sex and getting all kinky?" like I know life ebs and flows and changes. But its so fun and nice right now, we seem to just sit together in bed, hold hands, we are so nice to one another, I even told him prior to his libido kicking in, that I just feel better, like I dont feel the need to nag, I want to do nice things for him, and he replied "Yep thats what happens when you get the D regularly" ha!

We sit in bed at night and say 2 compliments about one another within the day, I learned that off the Intimacy Anorexia video (Doug Weiss on youtube) he has a video up talking to pastors, men and their marriages and sex and it was REALLY good, I learned a lot from that video.

Some of what I have learned has also come from 12 Step meetings and my time where I got my own place, I thought we were going to split up a couple yrs ago and rented a place by the coast, for MYSELF. Because I asked myself, "If we dont stay together, where is it I want to be? What life do I want?" I had been watching ads for yrs and it turned out a place came up during our vacation, I rented it, a studio, and LOVED it, I went every 2-3 mos and spent about 3 wks each time, and there were so many self help groups there! I could attend daily. Al Anon, ACA Adult children of alcoholics and Coda. WOnderful people! And I learned how to deal with my marriage differently. I learned it wasnt my job to manage my husband and keep him in line, seriously I didnt know I didnt have to do that! It was the alarm bell that went off at my first meeting, and I called my husband that night and apologized for "managing him" He said "Thats alright, I probably need it" and I just knew we were in dysfunction, but then found out he had done alateen, and he knew everything I was talking about and didnt find what I was saying as weird. We could speak and both understand the language of the groups and he went with me, when we were together. That was a good time of growth, my meetings, my little studio get aways to build myself back up after being around his negativity and depression and it just the 2 of us in the big city where we used to live. We had a wonderful home, but that 8 yrs in that house, wasnt all good either, to me we had some of our worst fights and also so many people died while we lived there and having to make trips back home for death, funerals, cleaning out parents homes, dealing with the death of our pets and then the parental alienation crap with my kids and their father as they became young adults and were out of the house. It was a rough time in so many ways. We had some bad fights, he said something horrible one night in the car to me during a fight and I slapped him in the face, Ive never done that to anyone and it was a reaction. I felt awful since I came from being in abusive relationship, and my husband just sat there stone faced, I was in tears (He had threatened to burn our house down and piss all over it as it burned) during a really nasty fight, it was just a cruel statement as it was the one thing I loved about our life at that time, when everything else sucked. I apologized but carried shame for doing that and beat myself up inside for it. And I thankful he didnt strike me in return for it.

He put on weight, felt bad about himself, this is when the most painful sexual rejection was happening to during our marriage, he would flat out turn over and go dead on me when starting intimacy, turn is back to me and talk cold and just say "Its not gonna happen" and shut things down, no discussions, explanations, lots of fights, lots of me in tears feeling so alone and undesired. I didnt feel sexy, I didnt feel he was attracted to me. I felt like a roomate and asked him many nights "Why do you want me? Just so someone is here?" and sobbing. He just said "He was broken" was often his answer, and was so hung up saying it was his hormones, which I know played a role, but I have always felt much of it was mental, and I still do! Because before he went on hormones, I ramped up our sex life and he was keeping pace, and this started last Nov when I started pursuing him more, and just ignored his talk about how he cant, etc, and Id just put my head down in his lap and put him in my mouth, and he often stopped talking, he wouldnt tell me No, but I was nervous, because who wants to be rejected when trying to give a blow job and told No? It does a number on the partner too when you know you cant turn your man on in that way, but I just pushed through my anxiety and things worked out, and each time he had reasons or excuses why he couldnt have sex, Id just ignore them! In the past, I allowed myself to be pushed away by him and accepted it. But it was really bad, I was asking myself "Is this the marriage I want for the rest of my life and the sex life?" and my answer was a straight up NO. Which is why I got the place, preparing myself, but the reverse happened, I went to meetings, we began to talk more, he realized I was serious, he also knew I would leave every few mos and not be home, and he likes me home, hes a homebody and likes my presence even if its not sexual. We talked on the phone daily, me sitting in my car watching the waves and the stars in my car as we spoke and going back to my cute little studio, up in the trees, overlooking the cute town and my cute little kitchen with sunroom, I had it decorated so cool. I got up in the am and did my rebounder workout, and would walk every afternoon the entire boardwalk at the beach, and back, and take off my shoes, walk on the sand and in the shore, pick up stones and shells and put them in my pocket. It was soooo good for me! But we also were working our way back slowly to getting better. But the sex wasnt really on the mend during this time and wasnt being addressed. It took several yrs later for that to start to happen and that was because I went on hormones. Thats when the sex life really went thru an overhaul.

My husband is in the tub right now soaking, hes a good man, I love him, I love the freedom hes always given me, not jealous or controlling, open minded, heck I could have had a second relationship for yrs when things sucked and he probably wouldnt have even known as hes that trusting. I travel a lot, I figure life is too short and Ive taken solo trips, I started doing this after losing my Mom suddenly as she kept saying "Life is short" and I started to live and not wait on my husband, I took my first trip to another state alone and went to a workshop and stayed in airbnbs, it was wonderful, adventurous, fun, met all kinds of cool and unique people. Ive done a lot of time away from home, its how I coped and my old counselor said that also, that because I traveled every 2-3 mos it was how I didnt get so depressed (our home was hoarded also and packed full of my stuff) but I got out of it on a regular basis.

So many layers of things.... so much we go through in life and then later unravel.

My kids, sigh, they are still figuring themselves out and I dont see them much. Not because I dont want too but they are young men and have a jerk of a father who messes with their heads. So I dont have them around or in my life much and when I do, one is in and out of jail and drugs and manipulative and crazy talking and I cant deal with it. Im just happy with my husband. Hes all I have right now, Ive lost my Mom, miss her so much. My siblings arent real close, I have one that I talk to often but its a phone relationship. Most of my gfs, well after changing states a few times, I maintain some phone calls or texts, just saw the one when I was at the coast in Jan, and she calls me, but shes been through 4 marriages and is trying to figure herself out. I cant fix people or deal with all their drama. I used to be more of a counselor friend, but I cant take all that on anymore and be codependent, etc. So Ive pulled back, maybe too much. But right now, in this world, its this little world of my husband and I, in a new place, forging a new life, together full time, Im not leaving every 2 -3 mos anymore for wks at a time, actually I dont want to be gone from him that long now. I will miss him! When last yr I would have said "I need to get out of here, his negativity is driving me down, I need some time alone!"

Esther Perel said on one of her youtube videos "Ever person goes through several marriages. Hopefully to the same person" or some statement like that, and she broke it down and I love it! That we change so much as much people, and we can be 3 different people in our lifetime and in our marriage, but hopefully we are still with our partner through those changes. And it shed light to me to think of things differently, that we can change so much and feel like different people and go through changes, and thats okay! Just roll with it, take care of yourself in the process and often once you start it can motivate the other partner seeing you change, and Im not saying everyone will stay together but you have a better shot I believe if you take care of yourself and model that to your partner, be the change you want to see.

My husband is sexy, smart, funny, has a dark sense of humor, is quirky, geeky, strong, has nice arms, smells good, makes me feel safe, says dirty jokes out of the blue that make me rib him and say STOPPPP! He rubs my feet when they hurt or rubs stuff on my neck if Im getting a migraine and my neck is tight. He works hard when he doesnt have too, so we can have a better retirement life. He listens to me, he loves to snuggle, he gives great hugs. Hes pretty go with the flow and supports me in most things I do, even when he disagrees he typically will support me in the end.

Im his first real serious relationship, he was never married nor had kids and had about a 3-5 month relationship max before me. So he didnt bring an ex and kids into his side of it. And he was also fine without having kids of his own so we always have looked like a couple with no kids as I had them with my ex and they were up and out almost 10 yrs ago. And so we are in a weird group of friends with kids that are young when we are DONE with that chapter.

Its him and I right now, hopefully that will change and more new friends and old will enter the picture, but for now, we can go to our bedroom together, and touch every part of one anothers bodies, explore them deeply more then we ever have and make each other feel good and forget everything else in the world, but just be together and be us. Ugh it makes me want to cry, yes it might sound kinky pervy things I might say, but really its pretty awesome also. We make love now and I can say "I love having you in my mouth, I want to taste you, I could feel you getting really hard and feel the veins and ridges, and taste the sweet precum each time you get more aroused" and he can tell me how he loves my pussy and how wet it gets.... and on and on, and it amps up the act of sex as we tell one another things like this.

When we finished up today, we were both hungry, hopped up out of bed, I rinsed off in the shower real fast, through my clothes on, he didnt shower, and he just came all over himself, I wiped him off, and I put my hair up, lipstick on and we went to eat dinner, both having just orgasmed and laying naked together, I had the messy sex hair I just flipped up, before we ran out the door for dinner, he had to run back in the bathroom and wipe his face and beard off, as he said "Oh, I just had you sitting on my face and I probably dont notice the smell, but others might" , ha, and I just find that hot, we sat at dinner and held hands and talked about other things but we both know how close we just were and hot sexy it was, and it makes life more thrilling.