I Hate Middle School
Are We Losing Him
I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m loosing my best friend. We were all supposed to meet up today at my house but Vinny couldn’t come and Olivia wasn’t allowed to until later so we just canceled it. I think I really fucked up with Vinny. According to his mom he wasn't allowed to go over because he “hasn’t been 100% lately” but he was going to call me and we could “chat about it.” I was so happy and nervous that I was finally getting answers but when he called me we barely spoke. My mom answered the phone for me then when Vinny started talking I couldn’t hear him so I had to switch rooms. Once I could finally hear him he asked me what’s up, I said nothing, I was just chilling in my room. Then he said that he wasn’t allowed to come over and I said alright. I was waiting for more since we were supposed to “chat” but he just said he had to go eat. I awkwardly said alright then he hung up.
God I fucked up. Why didn’t I talk to him more? Why did I freeze up? I could have asked him to talk more or even just asked to reschedule. I could have gotten some answers. I hate this, I think he hates me. He totally hates me. I’m such a bad friend. He probably didn’t even want to hang out, he probably just felt bad. Why does this hurt so much? I don’t understand. It’s so bad that my mom noticed. After I got off the phone with Vinny she asked me if that’s it. I said yeah and she said that it wasn’t much of a chat. I agreed but it’s whatever.
She asked me what was wrong but I told her nothing. She insisted that something was wrong and I insisted that it was nothing. Instead of just accepting it she told me not to get involved in drama. I told her that I wasn’t about she kept going on and on about how I can trust her and stuff. Eventually I just gave in and told her a bit. All I told her is that me and Vinny could have and should have chatted longer. She asked me what I meant but I refused to answer. She just said that teenagers are confusing and boys are confusing and I shouldn’t overthink it. I told her that it was me she was talking to- I’m gunna overthink it. She just accepted it and left it at that.
I swear, this is stressing me out more than I even know. My hands have been shaky all day and I just randomly started crying in my room like twice and - maybe tmi but - I totally sweat through my deodorant and shirt while just standing there doing nothing. I’ve had a horrible headache all day too and I barely ate till dinner. It feels like there’s a hole in my chest that just goes deeper and deeper and deeper and nothings ever gunna fix it. This Zoloft really needs to hurry up.
I’m currently talking to Olivia and apparently Vinny read her email anyway. Big shocker, I know. He responded and everything. She’s sending me the screenshots so I’ll update you as they come in. It started with Olivia’s email then Vinny pretty much emailed back, “I really did like you and I still do but it was awkward” and blah blah blah “you’re not a bad friend” and blah blah blah “I didn’t lie about being aroace.” Yeah. Then Vinny said how he didn’t want Olivia to feel bad if he rejected her so they started dating but it was awkward. Vinny said he seemed like a bad person but Olivia assured him that he wasn’t.
After that hey both agree they’ve been to “heck and back” and then Vinny asks Olivia if she’s crying and that’s about it. (Edit from later: Olivia responded that she's not crying but she was eating a popsicle on her bathroom floor and I think that's hilarious) According to Olivia the rest of it is just Olivia trying to convince Vinny not to take her to the school counselor for saying she felt like her family hates her. God my friends are fucked. I’d agree with Vinny in this one but our school counselor sucks. My mom had me go to her and she pretty much just called me in once a week to tell me I was bad at math and didn’t do my homework then just randomly stopped calling me down without telling me or my parents. She doesn’t help you find a good counselor either… so not the best.
I also found out that Olivia cut again around a weeks ago. We were talking about how she cut once in fits grade and I told her that if she ever felt like that again to tell me or at least someone. She agreed but said she had to tell me something. Then she told me that - you guessed it - she cut again. She said she was sorry and I assured her that it was alright. I asked her how many and how deep and she sent me a picture. There were two cuts in the shape of an x going up and down the full length of (the back of) her forearm and then an inch long and a centimeter long one on the back of her hand. They were all only cat scratch deep and she obviously had no intention to kill herself but this is still bad. I don’t want my friends doing stuff like that you know? She doesn’t know that I do it too but I know the pain and it’s no good no matter how good it feels.
Apparently our teacher, Mr. Grove, noticed and asked if she had a cat and she had to say that it was her little sister and a table that scratched up her arm like that. I doubt he believed her but oh well. Apparently Vinny noticed too but didn’t really seem to care other than just going through the motions. Apparently even after figuring that Olivia cut, he walked out of school with Athena and only talked to Olivia for like a minute. He gave her a hug and told her not to do it again but Olivia still seemed upset that he only took a minute to do so.
Olivia explained how she’s been feeling left out compared to Athena and I totally get her. Vinny and Athena are dating, yeah, but does Vinny really have to leave a conversation without even saying goodbye just to walk with her? And plus, Athena’s nice and all, but she doses not give a shit what’s going on. I flat out asked her if her and Vinny got together before Vinny and Olivia broke up and she said yea like it was a normal thing to do. Vinny was technically cheating on Olivia with Athena and she didn’t even care. Olivia was rightfully upset and I told her I was sorry.
She said it was alright and that I didn’t know but that doesn’t make me feel any better. Apparently Olivia’s concerned that Vinny’s trying to remove himself from out friend group (like her uncle did to her family?). I wanted to say something reassuring but I can’t lie to Olivia, that might be what he’s trying to do. I told her, I think we should just flat out ask him, “do you want us to hang out with you more or less” and she agreed.
She said that I should do it though because she’s gunna be all emotional on Monday. Apparently she shrinks she’s gunna cry if she even talks to him. I agreed to do it and she thanked me. She said it really meant a lot to her that I’d do this and that she’ll be by my side while I ask in case I need a shoulder to cry on. I don’t cry in front of people often but fuck, I might need Olivia this time. It’s not easy to ask you friend if they wanna distance themselves or not. She agreed.
By the end of it though she said “Know what, F it. He needs to see our tears and pain we've gone through for him” and I agree. It’s not like we’ve been silent about it like he is either. I think we’re both pretty openly trying to make things better but he doesn’t want to. This is why we’re gunna be frank with him. After that though she got nervous again. She doesn’t want to talk to him ( especially after I say that) but they have a lot of class together. Even some where they sit right next to each other. I told her not to worry about it. It’s gunna suck but it won’t be the end of the word. Plus, I assured her that if it was really that bad she could always go home for a stomachache or something.
She agreed but asked me what to do. Does she not talk to Vinny on Monday or does she act normal-ish. I told her to do whatever she felt like doing. Whatever feels right. We’ve been making things nice and cozy for everyone for too long. Vinny can deal with some awkward silence for once. She said she felt like she could kick him like a soccer ball. Not like she wanted to, but that she could. And I told her I knew how she felt. It’s like you want to scream or break something. Just let your emotions out in violence or something other than talking for once. She completely agreed. I told her to go throw bouncer balls from her basement at a wall but she didn’t feel like going down the stairs and I said fair enough.
Then she texted me that she had a bad thought and started crying again. She was concerned that Vinny’s phone wasn’t really broken and that he was just trying not to talk to us. Kind of crazy but not impossible. I told her not to cry though because I talked to Vinny’s mom and sister at lazer tag and his phone really is broken. She was relieved but sad that his phone really was broken. I told her about my shaky hands and headache and all that and she told me not to let it got to me that much. I agreed but said that I couldn’t really help it. I said that this sucks and she agreed. Apparently she’s been on and off crying all day and her eyes are red and puffy from it. I can’t believe we let shit go this far honestly. This isn't healthy anymore.
After that she told me how she too had realized how similar her situation was to mine and apologized. How it hurts to know that your best friend is in a relationship but didn’t tell you. She said she was so sorry. I agreed that it hurt but said I wasn’t going to dwell on the past. I said that there was no use in holding a grudge an being upset. She apologized again but I promised her that it was alright now. She thanked me.
The last thing we talked about was how we wished Vinny would talk to us then if we should tell Michael and that was it. She said we should tell Michael but I say it’s not really his problem and he wouldn’t really care anyway. After that my phone almost does and Olivia went to sleep. Speaking of which~ I’m tired as hell. I’ll write again soon! Nighty night!