Slowly descending into madness
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2022-04-15 06:46:01 (UTC)

Nightmares and revisiting the past

That nightmare again. The one in which I'm getting raped. Well, not exactly getting raped, the right word would be: forcefully penetrated while having sex. I'm begging him not to continue, yet he continues and I can feel my vagina tear up and bleed.

For consecutive two years, I've seen this type of nightmare, I'm sure it was triggered by a specific incident happened with me, I'll never write anything about that here. I don't talk about the deepest stuff that ever bothered me, what if someone finds out and uses it against me? From 2019 to 2021 I woke up crying. I thought I got better after the last time I saw it back in February, 2021 right before I got on the microbus headed to some tour. After one year, I saw it again. I wonder what triggered that memory this time, I didn’t go out, get molested or anything. I don’t know what happened. Was I disturbed when I went to sleep? Yes. But I'm in a disturbed phase all the time. This is weird.

Another nightmare was I was dating a man but my sister started liking him and asked him out. Then she started dating him. I hate to say this, but again, I relived this sort of situation in real life. So probably this one was triggered by another memory as well?

I wonder how these memories get triggered. Do a lot of things bother me? Yes. Do I talk about them? Not at all. Do even my closest ones know about them? No. Is this because I have trust issues? Yes. I can't let anyone use these things against me and people do that. For example: I sent him that specific clip from "end of the fucking world", told him that I relate to this really hard and when he got angry he used it against me, said that I fuck up men here so I want to go abroad and start all over again. I mean, talk about misunderstanding someone. No wonder why I never shared anything with him kek.

Not just him, everyone does that and no way I'm giving anyone any leverage over me.

I want to fix this nightmares thing. The only good thing that happens to me is when I sleep. My dreams are usually very beautiful. And I wish I could keep it that way, this is how I escape.