Gentleman ♀

It'll Get Better

Hi,

So, this morning Olivia texted me. I wasn’t awake when she first sent it to me but by the end I answered so I’ll just let you read it.

— — — —

Olivia: Heyyyyyy sooooooooooo there’s a lot I need to talk to you about. Last night I started thinking about everything. Literally everything. I couldn’t fall asleep till 12 and I woke up at 5 so yayyyy. Anyway- last night while I was thinking about these things I got so stressed, anxious, and whatever other words describe this. Therefore I couldn’t sleep and I felt like I was gonna throw up but I couldn’t. I took a handful of melatonin because just screw it and I don’t give a crap what it does to me. I ended up passing out 20 minutes afterward cuz well, it’s melatonin. The things I was thinking about is, well, we all know this- I’m a terrible friend. I have had terrible friends in elementary school therefore, it rubbed off on me. I have no clue how to be a proper friend and all I know how to do is to be a jerk. One thing I thought of is this: I know how Vinny told me the thing about him going through a lot and I don’t wanna break his trust at all. At the same exact time though, I feel like if I don’t tell you then I’m being my jerk idiot self to you. I’m trying to be decent but it’s never gonna happen. Now I figure I can restate something you already know. Vinny said what was bothering him were things I already know. His family, his friends have mental issues, and something else but I honestly forget I think it might be math or something. Like I said, I’m a terrible friend. There’s more too but I should probably start getting ready for school so I gotta go. I’ll send more examples later. I tend to dwell on the past a heck of a lot.

Olivia: Oh and I forgot to mention- it was getting him in a bad spot because he’s trying to fix everything.

Olivia: Ok screw it imma say more. I was thinking about how we didn’t tell you about us being together and I remember Vinny telling you he didn’t want you to make fun of us. I know you wouldn’t do that. We weren’t trying to do anything behind your back. I promise. I wanted to tell you. The only reason I didn’t was because I was just nervous as he wanted to keep it all a secret which was weird in my opinion- I mean I understand not wanting to tell everybody but I mean we coulda told you. Honestly it would’ve made things better if we did.

Olivia: And then another thing, so the other day when I told you I liked you and stuff- ummmmm so here I go… Honestly I just felt this weird connection I don’t think I’ve felt with anyone before and I still have no clue what it was. I’m still trying to decipher it. I can’t tell if it’s because you’re the greatest friend I’ve ever had and the greatest person I’ve ever met. Or, not to be weird or anything because I have no clue how this works. But it might’ve been some sorta like soulmate thing (at least from my end) I should’ve just said that there’s something special about you that I can’t find in anyone else but then I didn’t wanna sound weird. I mean I guess I already did make it sound weird so oh well. So I have no clue what it is there’s just something different (in a good way obviously). I have no clue how to properly be with/ like someone. I even asked Vinny a while ago and said “hey so I have no clue how this whole like- more than friends thing works. I have no clue what to do. ” He said he didn’t either so that’s how that went.

Olivia: That might be all I guess. Scroll up to the top thing I sent this morning and start from there- otherwise nothing makes sense

Olivia: There’s more actually but there’s just so much it takes a while to come to mind because there are some things that I deem as slightly more important than other things

Me: Okay, first of all, please don’t accidentally od on melatonin. You don’t care what happens while you’re doing it but you do care once they’re pumping your stomach in the ER. Second, there is no way in hell that you’re a bad friend. It’s not being a jerk to keep someone else’s secret. Like, yeah, I’d like to know what’s going on with my friend but I don’t want you to break his trust for me to find out. If he wanted me to know, he’d tell me.

Me: You guys had every right to keep your relationship a secret from me too. I’m no expert on relationships but I do know that making a decision without both parties in agreeance is a bad idea. I know both of you have anxiety and I know how scary even close friends can be so I get it. It’s alright.

Me: And about that connection thing, that’s alright too. We’re all angsty (which means anxiety filled which I didn’t know till a month ago lol) teenagers and we have no clue what the hell is going on. We’re only 13 and we’ve got forever to figure it out so I say just take it slow. Don’t think about it too much. Feelings tend to figure themselves out eventually and I’m always here to help if they don’t. Just try not to stress about everything too much. It’s good to think but try not to let it keep you up at night. It’ll all work itself out in the end :)

— — — —

After that she said I was “inspiring” and I thanked her. Inspiring... never thought that'd be a word to describe me lol. But anyways she ended up telling me that she really did feel like a bad friend and I assured her that she wasn't. I know she knows this but I told her it was just her anxiety making her feel like crap and the best remedy for that is hanging out with your friends. Long story short, Vinny's stressed, Olivia's stressed, and I'm stressed so we're all gunna come to my house on Friday and hang out. We're off all day and the weather's nice so I think we could really have a great time. Let loose a bit, you know? No more worrying about school and friends and shit. Just doing makeup, telling dumb jokes, and eating twice our weight in gas station candy. We could walk up there then bring our snacks to the park to hang out. We could watch a non-horror movie in my basement or do makeup or explore the woods. Or we could just talk. Anything we want to do.

Olivia's still pretty upset about everything though. She was almost crying in the hall and in class. She told me that just life, in general, was sucky lately and I assured her that it'll get better. Once you've reached rock bottom there's no way to go but up, right? And until then, we can all chill together at the bottom. It's not fun but it's better than being alone. And I know it sounds cheesy, and it is, but I'm not wrong. We're all best friends and we're all stressed so what better to do than help each other? Either way, she was still upset in class so I passed her a note pretty much just saying that I promise, it's gunna be alright as long as we help each other and she smiled and looked at me but I don't think it helped much. I just don't know what to do about everything. Tomorrow should help though! A great time with your best friends has to cheer everyone up! I'm hopeful things'll be alright in the end and I need everyone to get in that mindset. Although now that I think about it, there isn't really an end... It'll get better though. I'm sure of it!

It's the next class now (3rd period) and I talked to Olivia again. At the end of class while waiting for the bell she told me that her family was the main thing stressing her out. I think they make her watch her two little sisters a lot and that's what's stressing her out but the whole thing with her bio dad can't be helping much either. I gave her a hug and she thanked me. I told her that she should try talking to her parents. I know it's way easier said than done but notings gunna change if she doesn't try. Apparently, she also has a math test this period that's been stressing her out. She says she doesn't know any of the material and she's certain she's gunna fail. She told her parents this and they said it's alright but she's scared they're going to be mad at her for a bad grade. I told her it was okay. Her parents said it's alright and there's nothing she can do about it now so just try your best and don't stress about it. It's one bad grade, it's okay.

I swear, I want to help my friends but I really don't know what to say. Everything is either cheesy, useless, or both. I don't wanna be overdramatic but I definitely don't want to undermine their feelings. I need to find a perfect middle and soon TUT. Plus, everyone's different in how they want to be comforted. Some people want to talk and just have someone listen, some people want to hear that it'll eventually be alright, some people want you to wallow in sorrow with them, and some people want you to sugar coat it. Nobody's the same and it's stressful. My goal is to learn how to comfort all my friends. I want to be there for them and I want to do it the right way. Whatever's best for them. Whatever they need.

Side note, it really hurts to know that Vinny doesn't trust me. I mean, it's completely deserved and he has every right to not tell me anything but that doesn't make it hurt any less. I really wish I wasn't such an asshole. I thought it was just our dynamic to annoy each other but maybe it's just me pissing him off and him dealing with it. Whatever's going on I don't want to make it any worse. Last night after telling Olivia how I felt (other than the fact that I'm upset that Vinny doesn't trust me) she promised to tell me if I made it worse. He talks to her so she'd know. I just wish we didn't need to play telephone for me to know about it. I wish he'd just tell me, you know? But I guess you can't force anything. He can do what he wants, who am I to make him talk?

I feel like I wanna puke. Olivia does too, she said so earlier, same reasons too. I know we're both pretty stressed and I'm pretty sure we both don't eat when we're stressed so that's probably why. I could be wrong though, maybe I'll see at lunch. And it's not like we don't eat at all, we just eat less. It's hard to be hungry when your world feels like it's falling apart. It's definitely not a top priority. Olivia probably feels worse though. She didn't look like she felt very good in class. Downing a handful of melatonin can't make you feel good. According to Google, an od on melatonin can cause drowsiness, alertness, nausea, and - there it is - anxiety. That sucks, I should probably tell her on the way to lunch. I wish she didn't do that.

I can't wait till things calm down, everything'll be so much better. Or at least I hope so. I guess anxiety makes that hard though. Maybe in a few months when the Zoloft kicks in it'll be better. Or feel better. To me. Idk! I want what's best for all of us, not just me. I guess we have to start with someone though. I just wish it was one of them. I’m gunna go now. I’ll write again soon. Buh bye.

~ Gentleman