Gentleman ♀

"MEAN"

Hello,

Oh god... I made a big mistake... I didn't just say something stupid or hurt someone temporarily. No, I've been breaking my friends' trust in me since 4th grade. I've been so horrible to my friends that they're afraid of me judging them. I wanna cry or puke or both. You know what? I wanna cut. Again. I did it again. I carved "MEAN" into my left hip so I don't forget what I am. Something this bad should be there permanently. Then once I was done with that I had an extra band-aid so I made three cuts on my right hip. I've never cut my right hip before but it hurt pretty badly compared to my left. I guess I was pressing harder though so that's probably why. I regret only writing "MEAN" on my hip, I should have written something more accurate like untrustworthy or asshole but one of those is a swear word and the other is stupidly long. Plus, I've never written on myself before and 14 cuts just to spell mean seemed like it could be a lot. I totally could have done more though. Maybe I should have.

I can feel both my hips while I'm writing this. I'm laying in bed on my side with my right hip on the bed and my chromebook on my left. They burn but it's a good burn. It's a burn I deserve. I deserve so much worse but I only have so many band-aids and so much space on my hips. If I go too high or low they'll see and I can't deal with that ever. Never again. I wanna die right now. Just knowing how horrible of a friend I am hurts worse than these cuts. I wish I were never born. Everyone'd be so much better off and I wouldn't have to live knowing how miserable I make them all.

Today I texted Olivia. I asked her not to sugarcoat it or lie. I asked her of Vinny was mad at me. I explained how much I've been pissing him off and how I feel like we talk less and all she really said was that it wasn't my fault and that he has a lot going on emotionally right now. I hate it! She said she can't break his trust, which I respect, but told me that he's carrying a lot on his shoulders right now and that he needs to focus on himself. He told her all this stuff that I'm not allowed to know but I just get the silent treatment? I hate how I'm mad about it! I'm not mad at him though, I'm mad at myself. How did I let myself become such an annoying piece of shit? I'm an asshole and I know it. I don't deserve his trust whatsoever. That's what hurts the most... The awareness I have of it all. I know how horrible I am- how mean I am. I don't even deserve what I have and this horrible end-of-the-world feeling I have is just karma. It's my body letting me know that I'm a worthless piece of shit. It's preparing me for hell at this point.

It's not even that either. What about when I asked Vinny why he didn't tell me that he and Olivia were dating? He said that he was afraid I'd be mean or rude about it. He took it back after but he still said it. Then when I told Olivia about it, instead of making me feel better she just agreed that she was afraid I'd be mean too. It's not like I deserve to feel better but she could have just lied to me. I hate myself. Why do I make everyone around me miserable? I just want to disappear. I'd totally just leave my friends too for their sake if it weren't for the fact that they might blame themselves. I don't deserve friends, especially like the ones I have. I was about to give up on Vinny, thinking he just didn't care, when in reality I was the non-caring asshole. I deserve so much worse than I have right now.

Everything's falling apart around me. Vinny's stressed out and doesn't trust me. Olivia's afraid she'll be like her bio dad and she thinks her parents hate her. My cat ran away and probably got himself killed or something. My snake also ran away and did get herself killed. And my parents are probably going to get a divorce! Why am I even here at this point? Just fucking kill me or something! I want to die! I'm so sick of living just to watch everyone I've ever loved fall apart around me. Fuck this, I'm going to bed. I'll write again tomorrow. Goodnight.

~ Gentleman