Gentleman ♀

No More

Hey,

I don't even know anymore. I just wanna lock myself in a bathroom stall and cry for the next hour. It's second period right now but I haven't said a word to Olivia. It's not like I'm avoiding her, we just didn't end up talking on our way to class. She talked with Michael the entire time and I talked to Wyatt most of the time. We're matching eyeshadow too, or at least we're supposed to be. We decided on rainbow but didn't agree on how we were going to do it so I have orange yellow green on top and blue purple red on the bottom while she just has red yellow and blue on top and that's it. They look nothing alike but it's okay. Maybe next time 😅.

I feel like things have been horrible lately though. I keep thinking about what Lyvie said about Vinny and what can I even say? This morning he asked me why I bring up watching a horror movie with him every day and now I know I'm a bad friend. I keep bugging him about it and he obviously doesn't want anything to do with it. Even though he brought it up this time he still sounded so annoyed and just done with me. I'm so sick of feeling like shit because of him. Because of everyone! I think Lyvie was right... maybe I should just... not invest my emotions in our friendship. It feels like all I've been doing is worrying about him and trying to hang out with him and all he wants to is avoid me. If that's what he wants, starting today I'm gunna back off. Slowly, but still.

No more trying to do his makeup, no more stealing his stuff, no more inviting him to hang out. If he brings it up, we can talk about it, but otherwise, it doesn't exist. I'll talk to him but no more getting my hopes up. He's obviously not interested and I'm sick of pretending that it's my fault. If he wants to keep his head up his ass that's his problem cause I'm done. I just hope I'm making the right decision with this. I don't know if I can take any more stress. I'm gunna have to, I have no choice, but somethings gunna snap. There's nothing I'd rather do right now than not exist. It's like a black hole eating me from the inside out. Like my insides are crumpling into a little ball. It feels like hopelessness and emptiness. It sucks. I can't wait for this Zoloft to kick in cause anxiety is shit. I still have 2-6 weeks to go though so it's not happening nearly soon enough.

I don't even know what the hell's happening with Olivia too. I'm sick of dissecting my emotions. I'd honestly rather just leave it there to rot. When I was emailing her I felt good but now I'm just stressed. Am I sad? Mad? Disgusted? No... I don't know! I can't tell. I'm not disgusted but everything else sounds almost right... maybe? Everything's going so quickly and it's making my head spin. I wanna throw up or something. I hate this. All I ever did was avoid drama and it still caught up to me. I know I'm not the best person but I can keep secrets and talk to people and I care. Why me? No, I am a bad person. I'm not Hitler or some shit but I'm no saint.

How do people do anything knowing how fucked we are? I don't do my homework or my classwork or do any favors for friends. I mean, I do it all but none of it matters. Nobody's thankful. The work is boring and I'm never going to use it in real life. I just want to give up you know? Start again. But that's impossible so I guess I'm just fucked. I'm listening to Passing Through by Kaden MacKay and damn, it's just perfect for my situation. No joke, I didn't even mean to play it, it just came on during a pre-made playlist by someone else. It's not a super good song or anything, it just feels like he's seeing everything I write and telling me to shut up. It should be comforting like he's telling me not to worry about it, but instead, I just feel like he's telling me to shut up. I'm fucked.

AAAAAAAAAAAAA It's after lunch now and I don't even know anymore. We were walking in the hallway and neither Vinny nor Olivia made any effort to talk to me. Apparently, Vinny was telling her something he was hesitant to say because Olivia was prompting him to say it. He seemed to say it, then abruptly leave with Olivia looking obviously upset but still smiling. When I sat down at the table, the first thing Vinny did was ask me if there was anything I was gunna bug him about. I said no, unless he wants me to. He said no then shook his head for the next three minutes while not responding to anything anyone said other than giving some girl a thumbs up. But even then he still kept shaking his head and staring at nothing. I hate this.

After that we got called to go get food. Me and Olivia talked for a while but eventually I got curious and asked her what Vinny said. According to her HE TOLD HER THAT HER MOM WAS PROBABLY CONSIDERING ABORTING HER!!! What the actual fuck kind of friend says that!? Like, yeah, she wasn’t planned but that doesn’t mean that her mom wanted to abort her! What the hell is wrong with Vinny!?

If I weren’t trying to get off his nerves I’d sock him in the face. What a little shit! I told Olivia too, I called him a little shit and asked who says that to someone.

*I'll finish this later* Buh bye!

~ Gentleman