Gone mental

Notes from my Black
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2022-04-13 06:39:44 (UTC)

The chips the damn chips

I hugged her again last night. She’s shorter than me by a head, so her head comes to under my chin. It’s not ideal, but it’s one of those things you decide is whatever when a relationship starts.

I spend most of yesterday clearing out and pushing my construction stuff to my workshop or aside so she could get her car in there too… bad storms, heavy winds… we had an epic hail storm about a year ago. The whole town got new roofs and most cars were heavily damaged by baseball sized hail.

Anyway I’m dancing around the point… cause I did something stupid. I kissed her on the forehead. What the fuck me?

My best friend is in this relationship where the other person doesn’t respect. “Other” is in many ways just mean, yet Friend stays. I got a note that Friend is kinda reeling from making choices… I want to help. I feel like Friend needs me to help, but I’m the one who just tonight made a bad choice.

My defenses seem to be slowly depleting. I can’t let that happen. For me, bad things happen in this relationship. We know each other too well, except I don’t tell her much anymore. I don’t trust her to not judge me or push my friends away. I know she would, she isolated me slowly long ago. I am just now making friends, and I NEED them. So I keep them private and away from her. At one point I thought she was a safe place. I haven’t believed that for a long time now.

I cut my face yesterday. A 3” cut on my cheek. I don’t disfigure without recoil. I feel like it’s my place to present… after all, this obtuse way to present myself, is how I was raised. It may fully heal… I may die with this mark of stupidity added to my others on my face… my stupid face.