TM49
My History Of Familial Incest
Being Present
Today is a beautiful day outside. I needed some warmth and sun so it automatically makes me feel 25% better. (Estimating obviously.)
I am finding as I focus on myself instead of letting my brain run away with the feelings, motives and intentions of various men I'm more relaxed. That being said, I am aware of that space in me that I like to fill with people and the idea that no one is in there the way I want them to be is disconcerting. Anyone who has ever read me knows I spill the 0 percent truth here. I'd like to shove (maybe literally) someone into that space, but it would be neither healthy for them or me. I don't think it's a space ready to be filled, because the hole developed for an entirely different reason.
I watched a Youtube video (earlier recording) back from the early 80's, A brother and sister who were systematically abused by their father. I remember her saying that duality I felt early on.....that while it had to be secret it was also a normal part of life. My father gave me a false sense of control, when ultimately he controlled how things went more or less. To feel special and adored and the object of his life were emotions I didn't know how to handle or understand at that age and when the rejection came this hole appeared in me. I've never been able to fully fill it. I've come close a few times (several significant relationships) but it's still there waiting for some magical moment that will never come.
Quite simply I have to learn to live with it, knowing some days I am going to be fine and some days it's suddenly going to hit me hard and I will have to cry through the storm of it until it's over. Filling it with people who aren't good for me (and I imagine this part of the lesson will go even more slowly) is still a learning process.
I've found the right path. I've been wobbling and stumbling for almost 3 and a half years now. I need to walk straight with my shoulders back. Wish me luck.
-TM
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