I Hate Middle School
Deep Conversations With Olivia
I don't really know what to say here. Nothing's happened since I last wrote. I feel a little better too but I'm still mad at myself. I just feel like a horrible friend and I don't know what I can do to make it up to them. Not much I guess, other than being a good friend now. I could probably apologize for being a horrible friend but they'll probably think I'm being too dramatic. I don't want pity, I want them to know I'm sorry. Actually, right now I want to go to sleep. Go home and sleep. I wish I had time to grab some coffee today. I only stayed up till 12:30 last night but damn am I tired. I'm not even sure why I stayed up. There was nothing good to read and I was stupidly tired anyway. Plus I ended up doing something stupid because of it. I'm an idiot. I should have just gone to sleep.
I can't wait to see my friends too. It's only first period so far so I haven't seen them yet today. According to Olivia, she decided to try wearing eyeshadow today because she liked when I did it so that's nice. She's making me wait till I see her in school to see it so I don't know if it looks any good but I'm sure it does. She's very pretty and as long as it's not half-hassardly smeared all over her eyes I'm sure it looks great. She has hooded lids too so it might have been hard to do. I know I had a bit of trouble doing it. I'm sure it's great though. I'm glad she's trying new things! Maybe if she likes it I can give her one of my old colorful pallets that Emma got me for my birthday. She said she wanted less dull makeup so she'd probably appreciate the gesture. I'll remember this if she gets into it more.
God, in class we're doing this Great Schism review but I wasn't in class the day we learned half of it and there's a sub. My best bet is probably to just guess. Maybe google a few answers, watch a TedEd if there's one. I'm not very good at this. I just want class to be over, I'll deal with this later. Once again, I should have brought coffee. I have some grape zero sugar Gatorade but it's not very good. At least they're not those vitamin waters my mom gets though. Those things taste like chapstick and it makes my mouth feel weird. Like I'm imagining it being filled with chapstick. Not yummy. Iced coffee on the other handddddd, is delicious. We have the caramel ones sometimes and the mocha ones sometimes but either way it's great. Especially if you put some extra caramel in either of them~ It's great.
It's 2nd period now and yep, her eyeshadow looks great ^^. Vinny and Oliva were confusing me for a second though because I was walking with them to class and Vinny told me to "go ahead" and I wasn't sure what he meant so I kept walking with them then he lightly pushed me forward and told me to go ahead again and I didn't know what he meant. Then he mumbled something about him and Olivia talking and I finally understood. Olivia was trying to tell him about the cutting again. I said ohhhhh okay then told him he should have been more clear and ran ahead to talk to Wyatt. I think Vinny tried to yell ahead to not take it personally but I don't think I turned around. I might have told him I know or something but I'm not sure. Either way, they ended up talking all the way past Vinnys' class, all the way to my and Olivias' class and Olivia still didn't tell him. She came into class and the first thing she said was "fuck anxiety". I couldn't agree more.
I don't know what to think about Olivia telling him honestly. I mean, on one hand, it happened all the way back in 5th grade and it was only once. Three small cuts, one night, three years ago. Why beat a long-dead horse? But on the other hand, I shouldn't be undermining this. Even if it was once it was still a big deal. It still happened and it's still important. I just don't know what Vinny's gunna do once she tells him. He'll probably either completely brush it off like it's nothing or completely have a heart attack. I really couldn't see him handling it the right way. Is there a right way to handle your friend telling you that they cut? Probably not. I hope once she tells him though he thinks about it. Not obsessively worry about it, just think about it for a day or two. You know? Just to let it sink in, however far it needs to.
At the end of class we walked o it together and I asked her if she told him. She said no because her words don’t work and I said it’s alright. I suggested rehearsing it in her head but she said she’s been doing that for months. I told her never to mind then, that’s obviously not working so just go for it. She’ll do great. I wished her luck and sent her in her way but was it the right thing to do? It seems like the right thing to do but some people see you differently after you confess to stuff like that. Now, I doubt Vinny would, but if he did, it would destroy Olivia. I love the kid but he’s known for not being the brightest and even being a bit rude so if he’s a bitch about it I won’t hesitate to kick him so hard my footprint is bruised into his shin for a month. You do not mess with my friends, whether you're a friend or not.
Now it’s fourth period and I’m not sure if she told him yet. I peeked into Vinny’s classroom and he didn’t look stressed, in fact, he looked extra energetic. But maybe I’m thinking about it too much. Maybe I just caught him at a weird time. If he really was extra energetic though it could mean either thing. He’s either happy since he doesn’t know Olivia’s secret yet or happy Olivia told him her secret. People are so dificulttttt. I’d much rather just exist alone for the rest of eternity. I guess that’d be boring though so whatever. I’ll have to ask Olivia on the way to lunch if she told him. I kind of doubt she did but it's an entire class period so how could she have stalled for that long? Either way I hope it went/goes well. It has to, you know? If it goes bad and I have to worry about that too I'll go crazy.
Lately, everything seems like it's been going wrong. I just can't tell if it really is or if it's just me. I guess something always feels wrong but recently everything really seems wrong. My cat's missing, my friends are lying to me, my mom found out about my cutting, everything is so fucked. I'm fucked. My friends are fucked! Nothing's simple anymore. Everything has layers and people are like mazes. There's a right way that exists and then there are wrong ways that also exist but they're wrong. Like, you get the wrong idea. Yeah, there's a reason you got the wrong idea but it's still the wrong idea. And you can give up and cry but that's not going to get you anywhere. If anything, it'll just confuse you more. I hate this.
It’s after school now and yep, Olivia told Vinny. Apparently he just went pale and didn’t say much but I can’t confirm since I wasn’t there. While we were walking to lunch Olivia got me and Vinny together and asked if she could tell us something else serious. We both agreed but when Olivia started to say something Vinny ran off to his other friends. I let him talk for a second then grabbed him and scolded him for leaving when Olivia obviously had something important to say. He followed me back to Olivia but immediately went back to his other friends as soon as I let go. I (quietly) jokingly called him a bitch and me and Olivia snickered about it.
When we got to our table I apologized for him being so rude and she gave me a hug and sat down. She looked out of it. Vinny finally came back to the table and asked Olivia what she wanted to say but, obviously made uncomfortable by the other kids at our table, she said she’d tell us in the lunch line. We agreed but when we got called for the lunch line Vinny ran away to his friends again. Olivia just looked at me and sighed. I told her not to mind him being rude and she decided to just tell me. It turns out, she just figured out that her biological dad was convicted of manslaughter at the age of 14.
Now, we already knew he wasn’t a good guy, but not this! All we knew was that he had Olivia when he was 30-something and her mom was 19, he was a drunk who left her and her mom when she was a baby, he was previously in prison, and now he works at a tattoo shop. She called him once in 5th grade and told him who she was but apparently he just told her not to call him again and hung up. This guy is a real piece of shit. I forget exactly what I said but I think our friend Zach heard it out of context and started making fun of the word manslaughter for being “sexist”. I figured it was a good way to cheer her up so I joined in for a bit and it made her laugh.
After a while Zach quieted down and Olivia started quietly crying. I wasn’t sure how to comfort her so I just put my hand on her arm and told her it’s okay. Kiarra and Riley asked why she was crying and Olivia told me to tell them but I didn’t feel comfortable telling them so she did instead. Kiarra gave Olivia a hug and we all comforted her. While walking back to the table I asked if she knew that for sure it was him. She said the age, date, name, and location all lined up so it had to be. I just told her I was sorry and she tearily accepted. I know I’m not the best at this but I tried my best. What do you even say in that situation? You know? I did my best.
When we got back to the table Olivia was still crying and Vinny came back and asked what was wrong. After composing herself a bit she told him what happened with her dad. He didn’t really seem to know how to respond so he just stared for a bit. Eventually he started asking her questions like I did and she confirmed everything with him. After all that I told her she should tell her mom she knows and everyone agreed. She obviously doesn’t have the full story and maybe hearing it from her mom would make her feel better. And even if it doesn’t, she deserves to know so at least she doesn’t have to stress about it more than necessary. I think it’s what’s best for her but it’s her decision. She doesn’t think she wants to and I can’t force her to do anything. She should though, I’ll talk to her again tomorrow.
After that, most of lunch was pretty chill. Everyone, especially Olivia, was a little out of it and looking stressed but either way we were laughing and joking around to cheer everyone up. Even with the stressful events that took place we kept spirits as high as possible. That’s what’s good about our friend group, we all have great spirit. Even if it comes with a constant armor of ignorance against our personal emotional problems, it still helps when someone does decide to open up. I just wish we were like this more often. As sucky as it is that we have these problems, we might as well open up about them since we do. I think It’d make us all a lot closer.
And speaking of closer, Olivia just texted me thanking me for being there for her today. She said I helped her a lot. I responded by telling her that she’s very welcome and that that’s what I’m here for. She told me that in the lunch line she was trying not to cry but I assured her that it’s alright. Nobody noticed except our friends and they all understood. She agreed then said it was just funny how easily she smiled at the lunch lady. She said she was just so scared that she was gunna turn out like that. First of all, ouch, my heartstrings. And second, there’s no way she’d ever be like that and I made sure she knew. I promised her she’d never be like that. I told her she’s better and that even if she wasn’t, I wouldn’t let her turn out like that. She thanked me again.
She said she felt like her family was expecting her to grow up to be terrible and that they just waiting for her to be bad. Even though I’m pretty sure I knew the answer, I asked her why they’d ever think that. She said that 50% of her is scary and I said “So? Who [your] dad is doesn’t make you who you are. Your family knows that. You can learn from his mistakes and be a good person. You ARE a good person.” She thanked me for that and said it meant a lot. I told her I was glad I could help.
She waited a bit then asked me if there was anything SHE could help ME with. She said I was always helping her but that she’s useless to me. Of course I told her that she helps me a lot. I let her know that even just helping her, in turn helps me. That trust is important to me and when she comes to me with her problem it lets me know I’m not failing at being a best friend. She said it was good to know and that I was winning at being a best friend. She said that if there were a higher rank than best friend, she’d give it to me.
After almost calling Olivia my bestoe and calling it a night, that was it. And speaking of calling it a night, I think imma turn in early tonight. It’s been stressful lately with my cat gone and my friends all being fucked up. I’ve been getting headaches and waking up’s really been a pain. Wish me a good nights sleep! Same to you tonight. I’ll write again soon! Goodnight!