Gentleman ♀

Technically A Relapse

Hey,

I don’t know what to do. I feel like such a horrible person and I really want to cut again. I feel like I’m being dramatic but it’s true. I don’t kow where I’d do it though. I can’t do it on my shoulders because then my mom would see and most other places are super visible and she’d see it there too. I could either do it in the middle of my chest or on my hip. Those are pretty much the only places nobody would see.

I don’t know what to do. I know I shouldn’t do it but I’m such an asshole to everyone around me and I deserve it. I just wanna scream or throw something or- idk- feel pain. I knowwwww, I sound so dramatic but it just feels so horrible. I wanna throw up. Rip my hair out. Kick something painful. I’m taking deep breaths and listening to music and writing to distract me from it, maybe calm me down, but it’s not working. I feel crazy. I’m sitting here, pulling at my hair, and looking crazy. I wanna bleed. Why? This is so stupid. I hate myself.

Why am I such a bad friend? No matter what I do something always goes wrong. I’m such an asshole to everyone around me. I annoy everyone and I know it. I do it on purpose . And I hate it. Yet I keep doing it. I don’t deserve to sit here, fine, in my bed. I deserve so much worse than a headache. I wish I could take back everything I’ve ever done. They’d all be so much better off without me. I hope they just forget about my existence and are happy.

I’m tired so imma go to the bathroom then to sleep. I might cut, might not. I’ll let you know after.

~ after ~

Yep, I’m not proud of it but I did cut. I was gunna use my eyebrow razor but it’s been dull lately so I turned on the light to look for scissors that might work. While lookin around I found something better. I found an old pencil sharpener with one big screw to take out the razor. I unscrewed it with a hair clip and brought that along with the eyebrow razor to the bathroom. I made four small cuts on my left hip with the razor. I don’t feel completely better but it’s not as bad as before so I’m glad.

This time my mom CANNOT find out. I gotta go to bed now though. I’ll write again tomorrow. Buh bye!

~ Gentleman