Cowgirl_Mom

Ramblings of a Mom
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2001-10-11 02:27:14 (UTC)

Growing moss...

I don't even know where to start. I really should have
written either last night or this morning, when I was
actually fresh, but here we are, and it's 8:20 pm, and I am
exhausted! Okay, screw it, so tonight my thoughts won't be
so well collected! Oh well, who cares, right? Usually
before I even start typing, I have a plan, an idea of what
I want to cover, but tonight, it's kinda like all jumbled.
Well, today I started my new job at the day care. I am now
the associate teacher for Room 2, the 1.5 to 2 year olds.
I had 14 today, and will have 16 when the room is full. I
already foresee those kids that I shall call
my 'challenges'. Right now I am working noon to six pm,
working with the infants from noon until twoish, then with
the toddlers the rest of the day. One of my greatest
challenges is that the dynamics with these kids are soooo
great! Some of them are sooo smart, they already know
their colors, without help! Then, like my
biggest 'challenge', his name is Joshua, and he is 27
months, but they can't promote him because he is not ready
socially. He has two siblings that have Down Syndrome, one
of them very severe, so he can speak sign language, but
when it comes to normal communication or behaviour, he has
problems. He does not have Downe's, but his parents allow
him to mimic his brothers and still get his way, so he is
doing the same here. He cries, he throws fits, he refuses
to use words, or even sign language at times, he is my
greatest challenge. But that's okay, I will survive. The
question is, for how long?
A friend of mine paid me a compliment tonight. He was
talking to me and asked me why I was tired. I told him
about working today, and he asked me why I chose to work at
the day care. I told him that it brought relatively easy
money in, and would allow for me to go to school. He was
like, talk about motivated and being a hard-worker, I can't
hold a candle to you! He is 37 y/o, never been married,
has at least one college degree, just bought his own house,
that he had built, and also has a truck and 2 Alaskan
Malamutes. There are not many folks in today's world that
can say that they have all of this, especially at 37! He
tells me, oh my, you're carrying 3 jobs, I gotta hand it to
you, I admire you! The reason that he says this is because
I am currently wearing two hats, and am about to put on a
third. The first is working 3/4 time, the second is being
a mom, the third (that is in the works) is going to
college. I guess that does say that I am ambitious, I just
never looked at it that way. As he put it, you don't let
any moss grow under your feet, huh?
Okay, onto subject two...lol Rebuilding blocks. I
finished studying on block #2, fear. I am trying to turn
my fears around to be motivators, rather than paralyzers,
but it's hard! I have discovered that there are a few
fears right now that just render me motionless, both in the
physical sense and the emotional. One of the biggest ones
that I have is the fear of being 'unloveable'. It is like,
look at me, I couldn't even keep my husband, the one that
was supposed to love me until death do us part, how can
anyone else love me?
Is there something really wrong with me? I can't seem to
let go of that pain that was caused by my ex, every time
someone gets close to me, I immediately want to doubt it
and think, what if, 6 years down the road, they want to
leave me too? Am I going to die all alone? Am I going to
be a single parent, with only my one child, forever? Will
I never have someone to love and cherish me as I love and
cherish them? Someone to share my life, love, and sorrows
with? I think that is one of my greatest fears, is growing
old alone.
It's kind of like I was telling another close friend last
night, I am sick and tired of people telling me, well, I
don't want to leave you as a friend, I don't want you to be
alone! Geez, I don't need anyone to be my friend out of
pity. In the area of friendship, I am definitely not
lacking, I guess. It's like I want companionship, but I
don't want serious stuff or anyone that I would have to
start over with, I hope that makes sense. It would just be
nice to be around someone sometimes to hold and to be held,
to be kissed, to be caressed. These are things that I
miss, as well as missing the companionship factor of having
someone share their day with me and me with them.
My friend (d) used to be there, now he's got his hands full
with his girlfriend. So, such is life, it can only get
better, right? Well hell smells! I can't seem to stay
focused tonight (too much distraction), I will try again
later!


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