Slowly descending into madness
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2022-04-08 18:18:23 (UTC)

Traumablock (1)

Sometimes I feel like, I should have pursued psychology. Or should pursue psychology. I may have 0 empathy but I have better analytical skills than anyone I know. Also I tell this lie to everyone that I have a weak memory. It’s not true. If I care enough, I can remember everything. If I don’t, that might be a problem. For instance: I don’t remember a lot of things that happened from 2012 to 2018, because these are all unpleasant memories. I can't remember major incidents because of traumablocks.

When I was in grade 3/4, I used to go to a school teacher's house to learn how to paint. Ma mostly was interested to send me there because she thought she'd give me better grades, then again it's my assumption. My brother was very smol, we used to sit on the floor together and paint.

One day, I didn’t sit on the floor with other girls, I sat on the table for convenience. A same aged boy walked in and sat beside me. We talked and painted. Ofc I didn’t think of it anything else. But at end of the session my mother came to pick us up, she saw me talking to a boy and she was furious. How dare her daughter becomes friends with a boy, that's just out of the line! Returning home, she kept on shouting at me and shamed me and told me to never talk to anyone.

Till this day, I didn’t know what I did wrong. I have been angry since I was a little kid. And I wholeheartedly believe I didn’t deserve a lot of things that happened to me.

Oh and this little incident, I forgot that it happened. But my brother was a witness, he reminded me everything a few days ago.