Evolving marriage
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2022-04-07 21:12:00 (UTC)


Dear Diary,
I wrote a previous entry but when I logged in I didnt see it here, hmmm maybe I didnt hit save enter or something?

Well Ive been sick. I was good the day after the Dr visit, and thought all was going well and then the throat wheezing, coughing, mucus in my throat returned and then the runny nose. So Ive been out of commission for doing most things a good wk! Ugh, and the weather has been great, I so badly want to be doing things! I ended up going back to the clinic and they put me with a different dr. Last dr didnt give me anything just said come back if I get worse, your lungs sound great and sent me for the tests.

This Dr said it looks like I have allergies (I havent had a history of pollen allergies) but this is a first I guess. He said since its my second yr living here he has noticed this happen with new folks in yr 2, their allergies explode. And this wk everything is blooming and 3 of my neighbors have had clean up crews working outdoors with weed wackers, mowers, rakes clearing out all the weeds, then the wind picked up for 2 days, plus when its warm I have the house open, so basically all that pollen made its way to me and there ya have it. He gave me this stuff to relax the cough, which was my biggest complaint, its like my throat would spasm suddenly with a terrible cough I couldnt control or stop with a drink or cough drop and my eyes would water and it was like I couldnt get air in my lungs. And then he gave me some flonaise and an inhaler, never had one of those before. So Im all set up. I had a coughing fit in the waiting room and had to run outside as people will think Im dying. The tessalon perl prescription I took right away which did relax the throat and lungs as the dr said it would, I did so much better the rest of that ady and night, but woke up around 2am and took more and used the inhaler and I actually felt worse from the meds, which he did warn me about the first one, the jittery, heart racing feeling. I woke up feeling so weak and exhausted the next day. Now today? Oh my goodness, slept all night without a coughing fit, just took a tylenol severe cold/flu that I had left for the expectorant and nasal decongestant and I coughed up so much this am, and my cough sounds so much better as does my breathing and I have more energy thank goodness! I am looking forward to feeling normal again. Ive had to close the windows on the windy days and vacuumed the house really good to help with the pollen. I just want to be outside working on the house and the yard and this just sucks! So now Im in a patio chair outside with an ottoman and my laptop in the sunshine, its warmer outside then in the house.

Its beautiful here where we live. All the trees have buds about to burst and I cant wait. I have Elms, Catalpa, Fruitless Mulberry and Fruit Mulberries, Privets, Rose of Sharon, Lilacs(which are just now blooming!) and right out the bedroom window. Always the first to bloom, and the crabapple tree has blossoms along with the pear tree. THe roses are getting green and full of leaves preparing for flowers. My lavender I bought last yr survived the winter in the pots and I can see the green coming back at the base. My peony sprung up in the pot. My garden box lettuce and Swiss chard survived winter as I put a plastic tarp over it and now its springing back really good and uncovered. We have garlic growing that we planted last yr(you have to wait till July to harvest garlic, this is our first time)

I bought a Tomato, lavender and hydrangea at Costco our last trip, need to get those planted.

So we got our new bed, cant remember if I wrote that. We had my Dads old mattress, he died about 8 yrs ago, and we drug home his bed to replace ours that was worn, my husband weighs a lot more and I notice all our mattresses dent in the center after a time from him, I never had those issues before or on my side. So we have needed a new bed badly and Dads wasnt a good quality one. So we got a nice Sealy, it feels so good but we also bought the adjustable base. ANd let me say, its a game changer! We were so excited for it to arrive! They did the delivery last Fri and set it up in our bed frame. Took away the old mattresses and now we are good to go. With a remote and all for elevating front, rear and then the 0G or whatever its called weightless position (to simulate the feeling in the womb) or so they say, it cradles you but also puts your spine in an S position I believe it is. Oh we love it! We pretty much sleep in that setting now.

And with being sick and breathing issues I can elevate the head of the bed and not have to be on a bunch of pillows, its really nice, plus you can elevate your legs easily and I use that often. The bed now sits higher, I got all the new sheets on it and wow we love it.

And for sex? Well for one the cool position is like having a sex chair (if you have ever looked those up) with the curve and all, it makes it nice for me when on top and deep positioning but then you can adjust the head area so I can prop my arms up easier and not bend over so far. And since it sits higher, its easier to have sex off the end of the bed, before it sat really low and we had to use a pillow. So we have enjoyed that, plus we no longer sink into it or it presses in when getting in and out, it just wasnt firm anymore the old bed.

So we have enjoyed that alot!

We are doing good. That insomnia night kicked off me being sick, and upset with husband and then finding those youtube videos on intimacy anorexia and caused us to really talk more and deal with some stuff and things just keep improving as a result, a lot of open communication happening about intimate things, things we havent really ever talked about in almost 20 yrs together.

We have been having fun, sorta feels like being newleyweds and learning things together. It wasnt that sex was bad between us, it never really was, it was just very predictable, vanilla and infrequent due to my partner. It was like once every 2 wks and lasted about 15 min total start to finish. I didnt have issues with orgasm, frankly I orgasmed easily with sex because of it being so limited I was so excited when it did happen.

But we didnt experiment, oral sex? Whats that? rarely if ever happened. Lingerie? Whats that, it had been yrs since I got something new, YEARS. So that is what has changed. Husband also got all his lab work done, hes going to the same dr as I am and his health looked really good over all. His Free T was low, but not as low as it was 5 yrs ago, he was surprised. And so hes now on testosterone cream for about a wk. Within 3 days he was having am erections(he didnt have them really prior) and he is able to last in bed now and maintain a full erection, before he just couldnt keep it full size, it would vasicalate back and forth. SO this is new! He and I are both pleased! YAY!

I have been reading the diary here on the gal who was in an incest relationship growing up as a child with her father. Its fascinating to read, in the sense it sheds light into an area you dont think to deeply about. I mean we all know incest is wrong, we know its abuse, but we dont really grasp the long term effects of it, what it does to your sexuality and brain, that its not as simple as "I was a victim of incest by my father for many yrs and came to know pleasure and orgasms, etc via him" and how does a child deal with that? And grow up into a teenager. It makes a lot of sense reading it, and I appreciate her sharing because you really dont hear this part about it.

WHy it also strikes a cord with me is because I can see similarities to my first partner, boyfriend/ex husband. Some things she writes I can fully apply to that situation. I Was a good girl, a virgin, had never even gone farther then a kiss before I met him. I Was 16, going to church and planning to save myself for marriage. And he came along, I know he was molested himself and had molested cousins and also had sex with his grandfathers gf. He had sex with a guy for $$ also when we dated, but he would lie, and tell me stories and then later confess the truth which was the opposite and cry and Id feel for him and forgive him. I was naive, 16, trusting, emphathetic, people pleaser, codependent, child of an alcoholic father, so I had my own traits that set me up, an emotionally abusive Dad in certain ways, moreso to my mother.

So I end up with this guy who claims to be a Christian and love God, goes with me to church, raises his hands singing worship songs, and knows IM a virgin, he was 18. Keeps trying to fondle and touch me and I cry and tell him no, think Im going to break up with him, try and he apologizes and makes empty promises. Then he takes me out one night, way out in the desert, off a dirt road, middle of nowhere. For a date, and makes a campfire, and ends up taking my pants off in the truck bed and performs oral sex on me. I didnt know what to say or do. I thought I loved him, he had been grooming me, following me, doing and saying all the right things and wanting to spend all his free time with me. I felt Loved finally which is what I always wanted, yet he kept trying to do sexual things to me when I said I wanted to wait? And so it became a pattern in the relationship. I have no idea where he got the ideas for all the things he wanted to do to me, this was the late 80s, before we all had the internet. But it was as if he had all these kinks he wanted to try and he tried them on me. He didnt discuss things with me, ask my thoughts or opinions, see if I liked something, ask me questions, he would just SURPRISE start doing things to me. And it became normal for me. I would cry afterwards, he would hold me, and Id repent and pray to God for forgiveness, and hed sit there with me, I even went to a pastor for help over it! Ugh and he went with me, sitting there saying he wanted to be sexually pure also. (Bull crap!)

Anyways, so what this created was I learned about sex in a manner with a person who used me as their experimental ground without asking or talking to me, he just tried things on me, begged for things, like pulling tampons out of me, following me in the bathroom begging to touch me when IM urinating. I was always puzzled by him, he would come in and have this look and beg and pressure, he was manipulative and persistent. He would use all manner or objects to penetrate me, different items, not sex toys, we didnt have those, they were objects and hed bring them out in the dark if we were laying in his bed. I had to be home at midnight and he lived in a place at the family business.

Some items were rough, not smooth or made for such things, so hed scrape me, things like flashlights, hair brushes, bottles, deoderant containers.

I became very emotionally dependent on him and he was with me all the time except summers for a work away job and Id fall apart and be an emotional codependent wreck, like not know how to function without him and I would cry, and it would take me 2 days to adjust to life without him and feel "Normal" he had a 1 day break between the jobs and come home for 24 hrs, do all manner of sexual things to me again and leave, and Id cry and be a mess all over again and take a few days to adjust, I broke up with him twice during these summer breaks and even started to see someone else and confide in what was happening.

But I always ended up back, hed apologize, stalk, follow, manipulate situations and Id go back to him and give him another chance.

I never wanted to perform oral sex, wasnt interested, and frankly didnt find the penis attractive to look at. My ex (who I eventually married after pressure from the pastor to Knock off having sex or get out of the church or get married) we were married by that pastor 6 mos after that confrontation. I didnt view the penis as beautiful, I didnt hate it, I waited until 18 to have intercourse with him but had experienced everything you can imagine prior to that. I didnt hate sex, but I hated the guilt for being in sin. And worried about pregnancy.

Somethings I read in the other diary, was some statement somewhere about being clothed. ANd it takes me back and describes how I am to this day. I love being touched and fondled through clothing. I can orgasm fully dressed grinding on my partners laps I am kissed and fondled. I learned this from being with my ex, as he was always trying to get me aroused when I was dressed or not wanting to do things or doing this to me in the middle of the night in bed and Id try to ignore him or lay still with my arms at my sides. But he would keep trying and not let up. So by the time he wore me down or I got aroused, he would touch, fondle, reach in my clothes, use a massage want, oral, you name it, and I would relent finally when it felt good and all my guilt was gone or the fight to try and not do it. Then I would be able to orgasm. In many ways it seemed my ex was so giving and spent a lot of time on me, I did very little in return to be honest, so he got off on doing things to me, I didnt masterbate him, we didnt have intercourse, I didnt do oral, so thinking back on it? Strange huh? He had to have been masterbating all the time in the shower or when I left, etc.

So I like to be edged, I like being dressed, I like being "Taken" if you will and then I think "Hmm did my ex shape all that in me?" as I was 16, first partner sexually and married him and was with him till I was around 25.

I had tried starting to have oral sex at the very very end of the marriage, and I was grossed out by his semen, he came a lot when he ejaculated, I had no problem when we had kids, getting pregnant. But he also smelled, a trait I never liked. It wasnt a dirty smell, he showered daily, it was his scent, his sweat and his semen, it repulsed me as did his breath. He was also rough with me and biting me and Id always say "Remember be gentle, Im a girl" Id say over and over, and hed bite my nipples so hard so many times tears would spring out of my eyes or Id be shut down sexually in an instant from the pain, he always replied with "I cant help it, you turn me on so bad"

When we got married it was like I switched gears, shut off sexually and didnt want it really. I tensed up, I wasnt into it, and he didnt care, and Id lay there saying "are you done yet?" and just getting through it, It wasnt forbidden and the song and dance it used to be when we werent married or I was saying it was wrong, but now in one day with a piece of paper and a ceremony its all okay and your supposed to be just fine? I think that is an issue in the church and this stuff, plus the guilt and let alone the situation I was in nobody understood, heck I didnt understand it, it was my only partner so its all I knew and had to base things on.

Our sex life did improve in the last few yrs of our marriage because I prayed to God during it, yes I did that. THings started to get kinky again, and we were even talking of going to a swingers event, we had never done anything like that, but it didnt happen, but I think if I stayed with him, who knows where Id be. But he came in my mouth, when I started to try and have oral sex at the end, when I specifically told him not too, and no warning. Which really created a traumatic memory with the whole thing. My now current husband new this happened to me early on, we talked a lot, he knew how abusive my ex was (not just about sex, but everything) so he was respectful, no pressure and didnt push me, which is why I liked him so much and ended up with him. He was SAFE. And I loved the safety of being with him. WHich also reminds me of the other diary of the girl incest story and her being married now but it being a sexless marriage. Ours was heading that way, I felt like a roomate, I felt like sex was a bother to him, I didnt feel desired, so many things occurred in the second marriage that were opposite of the first.

But at the beginning? I was sexually assertive, I went after my second husband, he invited me to a party when my ex moved out and was starting the process of separation, said hed "Cock block me for the night" as I didnt want to deal with guys, we were friends online, had met in person a few times at off roading or other events, but in passing, I didnt have a crush on him, I didnt even go to the party as a date. I went because he invited me and guaranteed Id be safe. Who knew by the end of the night Id see him in a different light? And he would have left me perfectly alone and slept on the floor and been respectful?

We love to sit and talk about our story together because its a cool one, but it just grew into something neither of us would expect. And we each had our own past, traumas and things we brought into the relationship that were dysfunctional and did damage, but we have always loved on another.

But I found outside of my ex, I was sexual! I was assertive. I would go to these events and guys would be flirting with me, I was a nobody in high school and didnt have boyfriends or boys flirting, so all this came much later, I didnt really date, experiment with others because my ex was my first in most of that.

SO here I am in my early 20s, in good shape and going to these gatherings with others online and the guys hitting on me. Many of us were married and new that, so there was the safety in it, we knew we were all unhappy and flirting and wouldnt trying to jeopardize our other lives.

But my now husband wasnt one of the married guys, he was single, depressed, drinking a lot, living with his mom and in his bedroom, we would chat late at night, and Id think "Man that guy is depressed" but he would listen and talk to me, new some of what was happening in my marriage wasnt good. So we were friendly in that way.

So when I spent the night after that party as his place, he said I could have his bed and hed sleep on the floor, and he did! And I laid there, sighing, tossing and turning, wondering why he didnt try and sneak in the bed, touch me, kiss me, you know, like my ex who couldnt control himself? Finally I told him to get in the bed, and he did, but he turned over, HAHA! and once again Im sighing and breathing, he turned around and I pressed my rear up against his groin, we were clothed. And he said "That is when I knew you were interested in more" and we started to kiss. He let me set the tone, he was gentle, and I said I didnt want to have sex, and he was fine with that, and then part way through I asked if he had condomns, and he said yes, and we had sex, long and slow, I wasnt used to that either and I thought "Wow this guy can do this for too long, not sure how I feel about that?!" We were up most the night and I got up to leave in the am for a work event, and thought I just had myself a one night stand or something, or a hook up? And how does this work? Do we just part ways and act like it didnt happen? But thats not what happened, I invited him last min to the event, thinking hed decline, but he didnt and he spent the day with me, and well, thats where it all started. SO yes, having sex right away doesnt always kill things, it started things for us.

I couldnt wait to come see him every other wknd when my kids were with their Dad, I had to drive an hour to see him and Id pretty much attack him at the door, we always had sex right away and be in bed for hours, sex, cuddling, spooning, talking, getting up for dinner eating out, and then back again in bed, wed spend most of the time in bed, I also had a lot going on with my ex and his abuse and control so Id be a wreck often, curled up in his bed crying and hed listen to me, talk me through things and coach me as you will explaining what my ex was doing, why, etc. He was matter of fact about it and taught me a lot about men, the good and bad. He was the good one.My now husband grew up with all women, no men, no Dad, mom, sis, gma, aunt, and always had female friends, women called him to talk and vent about guys so he knew all the stuff women hated and really took it to heart from all the venting he listened to.

My ex? He couldnt let me go, he was nasty to deal with and I spent over 3 yrs of pastor counseling, attempts to reconcile, but thankfully we lived separate through most of it because I didnt trust him until I saw change over a long period of time, he would say one thing and do another, words were empty. So while sleeping with and seeing my second husband I was still in attempts to try and work out my first marriage and he knew this. My second husband was not jealous, nor controlling, open minded, and told me if this is what I needed to do, he would support me, he didnt agree with my decision, but was there for me. He would drive me to the airport to trips to go spend with my ex working out of state to attempt to reconcile. I mean who does that? Hed write me these notes of how he felt about me and sit with me a diner with puppy serious eyes and just hold my hands and stare at me as I went off to try again with my ex. You know what he tells me now about that? He says "I just knew your ex would screw up, he couldnt get it straight and you had to know you were done 100%, I couldnt influence that" and he was right. I had very little sex with my ex once we separated, and the last trip I took when he wanted me to move with him out of state for a new job, to meet his new boss, etc and our church friends are encouraging me to go "Fresh new start!" they would say. That trip was awful.

I went to see my ex, I starred at him and cried when he picked me up, he looked different, I didnt know what or why and I was touching his face crying and saying "You look different" and he just sat there puzzled, he was a jerk on that trip, didnt take care of me, argued with me, tried to have sex with me in the hotel room after not even having dinner for me and I had low blood sugar. Got angry when I refused sex and cursed and got up out of the bed and went to the shower, I got so angry I got up and yelled at him myself. He took me to his job, ignored me, didnt introduce me to anyone, walked in front of me. It was New Years party at his bosses house and all couples and at midnight he didnt kiss me, but then the hotel room sex, ugh, it was a crummy motel, felt gross and I told myself "Just have sex with him, you will feel close and connected again" and I did it, and I got into the shower right after, I felt gross, I felt dirty, I felt I sold myself, or prostituted myself. It didnt feel right, and thats when I knew, he took me to the airport to return home to our home and kids and I cried and said goodbye, my ex was clueless, he wasnt deep. I knew that was the final try and I was done, he didnt, and thought we would just keep going on like we were (Mind you come to find out he was sleeping at women all over in hotels, he worked construction, and hooked up with locals, and via aol chat rooms for quick sex) But he didnt tell me this THEN. I had been seeing my second husband when kids were gone or some nights hed drive out to see me late at night when my kids were asleep and be gone by morning. My ex was too crazy and I didnt want him to know I was seeing anyone. If he wasnt working out of state, my life would have been hell, because he was the type to follow and stalk me (but he didn try using others, thats another entry)

So my sexuality felt like my own with my second husband, I initiated it, I enjoyed it, it felt good and safe. I have always had counselors, therapists through most of these times, and my counselor always told me how FEELING SAFE was so important to me as it was the best trait I used to describe my second husband.

I just love him and am thankful to be with him. Granted I didnt think we would make it and we had a lot of junk going on, but it was never because of lack of love for him.

So since our turn around, its like the kink master has come to the surface! ha

I am wanting to experiment, I have a new found love for his penis and oral sex, I made it to my late 40s to finally enjoy it!??

And Im sure my kink stems from my sexuality during those growing yrs with my ex. He did tie me up, he did use objects, he did bite, he did like to have sex in cars or in places where we could get caught, he had fetishes. I just was a part of all of them, they werent things I expressed, they were things done to me that I came to enjoy or be aroused from, but then put that part of me away, feeling it was the part of the time with the ex, and my second husband was trying to protect me and not push anything on me because of all that trauma, and as a result, we didnt speak, we held assumptions and didnt do things with one another, Which was fine, for a time, but it just stuck, and I guess we didnt address them again, we locked them away. I didnt even think about it much until I went on hormones, and my libido reved up!

I love my hair pulled, and to be spanked, and nibbled on my breasts, and I can do it hard, but my husband now doesnt hurt me in the way my ex did or go against my will. Hes so kind and safe. I felt weird with my requests at first, and hes still learning, the art of edging, light spanking, play, I miss oral sex. And he knows that, Ive expressed it and took it that my now husband has an aversion but he thought I didnt like it he said, and assured me loves it (that talk was 2 mos ago) and its yet to happen. So I dont know what thats about it, and I have told him I dont think hes being honest there, but who knows, he says he feels awkward. Meanwhile I could put him in my mouth every day if he wanted me too, Ive changed, I love it, its comforting, its like a pacifier to me now. And to be honest he has his own issues, oral sex isnt his fave, not that he hates it either, he was abused also, so I think he has a hard time letting go, relaxing, letting himself be pleasured, and shame, etc. So I just have to go for it, when I started, I got him to cum twice at the beginning with oral sex, now I just get him aroused and then he asks me to come have sex with him. Which is fine, but Im still waiting for my turn. See this is where stuff is screwed up, my ex with all his faults, was wanting to perform oral, for a long time, and would get me aroused, and go down on me. My husband has never gone down on me, other then when hes asked me to sit on his face, thats the only way oral has happened, and thats a few times, and he has some aversion and saying the position is difficult and things I never thought about as an issue, So I will just be patient, we are making progess in so many areas, I cannot complain, we are having sex 5-7 times a wk or so now?! When it used to be once every 2 wks if I was lucky, and it was so short and not very creative. routine.

He will pull my hair or spank me, but its like I want him to do it a certain way, and I cant convey that to him, I want him to be domineering, I want him to just DO IT, not me ask, and I make it known, then he stops(he hasnt been pulling my hair) Ill have to remind him again to do that, right now hes been spanking, which I love, but he doesnt do it hard enough or right in the middle where I want it, and I tell him, but its like it doesnt register, so I have to be patient, and take steps with him. Hes not passionate and as into it, like I would like, but I think thats the Aspie part of him. Hey Im just glad he will spank me now :) But I want him to chain me to the bed, my arms and legs, I already bought the kit, a month ago, still in the package, he knows what it is, so hes more reserved, less curious? My ex would have torn it open and tried it out then and there, so thats where things are different when you learn all this young and with someone very impulsive.

Well I better wrap this up for now, getting long, more later

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