Gentleman ♀

Miserable

Hi,

I... am miserable right now. I woke up with a stuffy nose and as the day progresses I just feel worse. Now my entire body feels like shit and my stomach hurts. Fun right? And every time I swallow my ears pop. It's so annoying, I couldn't begin to describe it. There's all that plus I had a 105 minute test today and after school detention later. So I've just been brewing in my misery all day. I didn't finish the test in time either. It was the state test too, so there'd no chance of me getting to finish it. I finished all 20 questions and read all the passages but question 21 was an essay and I didn't get to finish it. I got the middle three paragraphs almost done but the first and last one I didn't even start. I made a graphic organizer and everything. I guess that's what took me so long though. I have another test tomorrow of the same kind so I'll make sure to read the essay topic before the passages and gather evidence while reading instead of doing it again.

I swear, my entire body is freezing. I tried to stay home today but my mom said no way. She thought I was trying to get out of the test, which is a reasonable assumption, but I don't purposefully skip tests. Yeah, I suck at 99% of them, but I'm not that bad. I wouldn't skip school because of one. Maybe I'm just lucky though, because some people do skip school because of tests. Or maybe my mom's just stricter than some, idk. I know Emma used to skip school for stuff that's not even tests but she has anxiety too so maybe it's just worse than mine. She's got friend drama too so that's probably it. How do you even become friends with people who cause drama? I mean, I guess some people are just unlucky but I've managed to stay away from all of it for pretty damn long and still going. I'm 13 and I've never gotten in a real fight with my friends and nobody that I know of hates me so that's nice. Although, again, maybe I'm just lucky.

Speaking of Emma though, I'm pretty sure she's picking me up from detention today so that's nice. She just got her license so she can drive me home. I'm in detention now and honestly, it's pretty chill. It's just me and two other girls sitting in the 7th grade office doing stuff on our chromebooks. One of them is playing games, I'm pretty sure the other is too, and then I'm writing on here. I might play some games later but not right now. Our chromebooks aren't even facing the teacher so it couldn't be that hard. I was thinking about playing music but I actually kind of enjoy the silence. The only n oises are the teachers in the hallways, the shuffle of the ofice ladies paper, and the clicking of our keyboards. I've definately had worse punnishment.

I don't feel as sick now too so that's good. I still feel stuffy and my whole body is all sluggish but it's not nearly as bad as before. Watch, now that I said that I'm gunna feel even worse tomorrow. I don't even know what to write about, nothing notable happened lately that I haven't already talked about. I mean, I guess I could talk about some less important stuff but that's just not as entertaining and it makes me feel stupid. Either way I've got nothing better to talk about so oh well. While I was walking down the hallway earlier I saw Vinny and Athena. I said hi to them, smiled at Athena, then pat Vinny on the head. It's a kind of joke thing we do I guess where we try to see who can get the last pat in but maybe Athena thought I was being weird. I didn't look back so I don't even know if Vinny reacted. I feel like an idiot and I don't even know why.

Another thing that happened today was in language arts. Apparently, or at least hopefully, Vinny wasn't pissed about me stealing his stuff because he took my iced coffee again today. Usually I wouldn't have really done anything but because of the air testing we got to sit wherever we want today so I took his earbuds. We were allowed to listen to music in class today as well so he offered to trade me my coffee for his earbuds back but I declined. Instead I took his waterbottle cause why not? A bottle for a bottle. At the end of class I took my coffee back but didn't give him his bottle. Instead I gave it to Olivia, who he walks with for a while till they have to split up to their classes. I'm not sure which classes but classes nonetheless. I'm telling you, Vinny is hilarious. He was like "can I have my water back?" and when I said no he switched it to "may I have my water back?" Nice try Vinny but it didn't work. In the nicest way possible, the look on his face makes my day.

On the topic of my friends though, I was talking to Olivia today and we both had a sort of confession to eachother. She was just telling me how she's only really happy around us "me, Vinny, and our friends" and I agreed. I told her that I didn't really like being away from them because as soon as I am I start thinking they hate me. As overdramatic as that sounds, it's true. Do you ever see me talking about how much my friends love me without me thinking I'm being annoying? No? Well that's because I never write in my diary while my friends are around. I really do care about them. I'm just not the best at showing it. I show it by teasing them and stealing their stuff. Other than with Olivia I don't really get emotional with any of my friends. There was that one time with Avery, but that was only once. I wouldn't like everyone knowing my secrets anyway.

You know who I would like opening up to every once in a while though? Vinny. That kid confuses me like no other but theres something about him that makes me not mind. I wish I got more one on one time with him though. But I feel like that'd be weird. I don't like him like that but I don't want to give anyone the wrong vibe. Especially him or either of our parents. I'm not the only one who wants to be more open with him either. Olivia does too. I can see by the way she looks at him and the way she tried to say she's open with him but took it back when she realised she wasn't. She wants to but she isnt and I think I can be the one to fix that. Well, not fix it, but I can talk to Olivia about it and try to talk to Vinny about it too. He should be coming over my house to get his makeup done this weekend so maybe I'll talk to him then. I guess you have to find the right timing though so it all depends on him. People are complicated.

I can never tell if he's a closed off kid too. He seems open. Like, he cries in front of people and hugs people and (although joking about it) acknowlages his anxiety. Buuuuuut, he also keeps a ton of secrets for no reason I'm aware of. My guess is that he's somewhere in the middle and you just need to say the right thing at the right time. It could work. But the scary part is that I could be totally wrong and just make an absalute fool of myself. And worse than that, I could give off the wrong vibe. If he seriously thinks I like him or someone else seriously thinks I like him, I'm doomed. Not that I'd be super embaressed by liking him, it's just that I don't like him so it would be awkward. I wish things weren't so confusing. I hate my brain.

It’s after detention now and Emma did not pick me up. Also, I totally called it, I feel like shit. I got home from school and slept for like 2 1/2 hours. I never take naps but damn do I feel just dead. I have a stuffy nose, my whole body aches, and I have goosebumps no matter the tempature. And my strength is just gone. I know this sounds dramatic but I was honestly afraid I was gunna drop my cup today at dinner. I hope I feel better tomorrow morning cause I have part two of the test and another detention. Not to mention my friends are gunna be like “where tf are you?” I wasn’t on the bus so Riley’ll probably think I went home sick and everyone else will probably think I just died.

I wonder what my friends do without me. I mean, probably similar stuff but idrk. Not to toot my own horn but I’m a good portion of the reason we’re all friends. I knew Riley and Kiarra and I knew Olivia and Vinny, then I introduced them all together and now we all hang out. So maybe… no, they’d be just fine without me. I wish I was that important but it’s probably for the best that I’m not. Imma go take a shower now. Buh bye!

~ Gentleman