Tati

But Why?

I sat at my usual table in class. I’d been reading under my coat. When I took it off as class started I’d found that someone had sat beside me. This isn’t normal nor is it something I’m used to. Because I was in the back corner-ish table, the person beside was kind of in the way of my view of the teachers screen. I have a problem with wanting to avoid people thinking I’m looking at them. That made me uncomfortable. I don’t usually sit directly next to people (that i don’t know) so that made me uncomfortable. I couldn’t focus because they were in my peripherals so that threw me off and made me uncomfortable with myself. I felt like every adjustment, shuffle, tiny, forcefully silent movement I made was heard, watched, too loud, too obvious.

I felt trapped in an open room. Too big for the table, taking up too much space, uncomfortable. I wanted to curl up in a ball under the side table. I must have been showing some signs of distress unknowingly during class or something (strange given the fact that I was under the impression that I wasn’t that easily readable) because my teacher asked if I was alright after class was over (I was not). Told him I was fine. Left.

I don’t want a repeat of what happened so I’m bringing my headphones though I said I was done with music. I’ll stick to white noise but I just can’t go without anything to protect me if there’s a chance of that happening again.
I don’t know anyone I could go to for a feeling like that. Not even sure if it’s that important. I’m just left wondering why I’m like this? I’m probably the only one in my class that’s so uncomfortable that close to other people.

It felt so /bad/. I don’t even want to go to school tomorrow. Maybe I’m weak. Maybe I’m the problem. Maybe my worry is because there’s actually something wrong with me. No matter the cause or reason, it’s not something I’d like to deal with nor do I think it’s normal.
I hope my doctors appointment is tmrw. I’d bear doing more school work at home over what happened yesterday.