TM49

My History Of Familial Incest
2022-04-05 15:40:17 (UTC)

Obsessive Thinking

This is something I have to be extremely careful in guarding against. It differs from overthinking, which turns into generalized worry or anxiety about current events or even things that haven't happened. Obsessive thinking is specific and fixated on an idea or person. I can waste hours wrestling with their behavior towards me, imagining myself in scenarios with them that are only partially realistic, and in general trying to sort out their attitudes and thought processes. The most obvious is that I cannot truly sort out a person's private thoughts. It's a game in which I will ultimately lose. I might find it fascinating or fun at first, but it always widens out into a black cavern of unanswered questions which I then find frustrating. The next obvious question would be is why do I do this? Is it a Dominant/control issue? Do I think if I can figure them out I can then buffer myself with protection in case it could hurt me.? Obsessing over people keeps the focus off me. That is the first mistake. The past few days I have been creeping back into this thinking with HIM, even when I know I won't figure him out, and that the obsessing only hurts me. He has no idea I'm doing it. At least I am aware of it, and I am gently countering this thinking with better thinking. (That's a mouthful but somehow makes sense.) When we are aware of our patterns and behavior we can fix ourselves. I don't think I'll push a magic button and suddenly all obsessing will be gone, but I do think the more I better myself, the less I will need to rely on what is essentially magical thinking on my part.
-TM




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