Gone mental

Notes from my Black
2022-04-05 04:17:12 (UTC)

Believe it to see it

I may be dyslexic, but this is on purpose. Now, I didn’t go to KU and I really don’t watch sports, almost ever. I’m going to have to say, I’m a fan of this basketball team.

When I was in HS, my sport of choice required lots of visualization. I was taught to see it by an Olympic coach. I spent two summers with him and his team. We worked this every day and I brought it to my college team as well. So I have some experience… and it has helped me in professional life throughout my life.

The key is to see it to realize it. See yourself doing it. It’s not hard to do. The main senior on the team, McCormak? in his post interview said he walked into the locker room and everyone though he’d gone crazy because he was smiling. It wasn’t a question of how or was it possible, it wasn’t a question at all. It was conviction because he already had the vision. He knew they were going to go out and play for fun… and hard… and for fun. He knew. He made the rest of the team see it and they second half routed the Tarheels. It’s just that way.

See it to believe it leaves you reporting yesterdays news. Believe it to see it allows you to make your own destiny… and the Jayhawks did just that. They made their own destiny. My high school team did that every year, and won state every year. I’ve seen it first hand. I’ve done it first hand.

So if you read this and you’ve never read anything else I’ve written, you probably think I’m this optimist, and I am, but I lost that to a large degree the past few years. It’s been a hard damn slog for a while. The biggest problem I’ve had is losing myself. I lost knowledge of who I am. I’m still figuring that out.

I lost someone and got a half assed sort of “it was me not handling life well” sort of thing… but that bites donkey balls. It’s a shit answer. Really. I went through a few years of convincing myself this person or that person was the one. Each time they would leave me, cheat on me, or ghost me in that 90’s way. A few girlfriends I met their parents, or they met mine.

There is a reason I digressed back into this abyss.

I have, in my head repainted these ex’s in various ways.
1- Putting them on a pedestal is the easy one. They were too good for me.
2- Tell myself I wasn’t interesting enough. Fed my lack of confidence.
3- maybe I wasn’t smart enough? After going through all the memorabilia my mom sent me including all my report cards.. I’m humble today. I probably wasn’t smart enough! Geez I was a terrible student for a lot of years. No wonder my parents billed me as the athletic one. It was my only hope, probably.
4- I am told I didn’t show that I was actually into them. Ok… it’s a better reason than I expected, and kinder.

5,6,7…. There are a ton of reasons why my relationships never worked out. There is one common thing in every single one. Yeah. Me.

Writing and communication was by far my worst courses in school. I had a decided lack of vocabulary and a penchant for writing how my dyslexic brain worked… it worked backwords and it made my communication hard to understand. I’ve worked on it a lot. I hope it’s no longer apparent.

With the memorabilia- I have been going through it all. My sister called me and told me that there were images of an ex in there. Today, I opened the last two boxes and found the images. There are two ex’s pictures in there. One of which I recognized immediately. The other one is painted in my head as this troll. She swindled me. She cheated on me… her own mom wondered aloud to my face why I was involved with her… so she must have been a complete wort ridden hag, right? I was stumped for a bit when I saw the 5-6 images of her in my home with me. I didn’t take the pictures. Hmmm… she wasn’t a hag. Chalk that up to one time believing something doesn’t make it so.

I didn’t say that phrase ALWAYS worked… geez. It’s the tool to make it happen. It can’t change history. It’s not that powerful.

There is one thing that I have learned that I lean on when I’m in a situation where I’m not being treated how I want to be. It’s almost dismissive, but it’s not. You have to step back and look at the person as if they would do better if they knew how to do better and was able to. They can only do what they can and are willing to… just like each of us. We choose the person we want to be, but there are limitations. Like I can’t pop a magic want and become a different better person. I’m working on it- and it’s hard.

I’m tired. I feel like I’m rambling and if you made it this far that’s commendable. You get the lollipop for the day. 🍭