Gentleman ♀

I Feel Numb And We're All Doomed

Hey,

I don't really know what this entry is but whatever. It's 12:30 AM on a school night and I don't plan on sleeping anytime soon. I mean, it sounds nice but I just can't force myself to do it. It's too boring lol. Although I guess I'm bored anyway since I'm in one of my funks. By funk, I mean a mood where I just don't like anything for anywhere from a few hours to a few days. Great! I hope this is just a tonight thing cause this usually sucks. Like, I literally don't like anything. Don't get me wrong, I still like stuff, it just dosent make me feel as good as it usually does, you know? All my favorite music is just meh. All my friends are just making noise, not talking. And worst of all, nothing I do isn't boring. I just wanna scream or something! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOGGH!

It kinda makes me wonder if anyone I know feels like this too. Knowing my fucked group of friends, they probably all do, but I guess I never asked. And you know, I probably would ask them, but what if they just think that I'm being ungrateful or that I don't find them interesting or something? Realistically, I know the chances of that are small, but it's happened before. And I know one bad experience isn't an excuse to be dramatic but fuck it. Sometime around last fall maybe I was on a walk with my mom. Pretty normal stuff but my idiot ass was feeling emotional so I decided to ask my mom a question. I asked her if she ever felt like she was on a horrible vacation. Like a big horrible part of life is temporary and it will go away after a while, but it never goes away. Stuff like that, just pouring my heart out. And you know what she says? She says no and then asks me if I'm not happy with my life. She thought I was being ungrateful and asked if I wanted a new family aka to be put up for adoption. Like, what do you think MOM? I just said no, never mind, and that was the end of it. Yay...

Sorry if this entry is word vomit btw, like I said it's now 1:00 AM on a school night and I have music I don't even like blasting in my ears so loud I can't hear my own thoughts, so yeah. I've resorted to the FNAF daycare theme cause it's so simple it won't completely drown out my thoughts. It'll be over soon but at least I tried. Lowkey though, this is kinda good. Like, something I'd listen to unironically... Although I guess that's what I'm doing right now so you already know that. Wanna hear the playlist I'm listening to rn? It's a jam, even when you feel numb af. https://youtu.be/JQaOsWE-NoM . There you go! It's not for everyone but I personally keep coming back to it so it's gotta be good right? I love these pre-made playlists on youtube. They always have great music that follows a theme and they're an amazing way to find new music. These things are my obsession. I have a playlist of these playlists. I'll link it if it's not private. https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLZ9feTQFx-FIyr8d8179_Bfijl0SJSqzT . You know, I think it's private but oh well. I know this is word vomit, I'm sorry, reading this must be a headache. I can't even remember 99% of what I just typed. Fuck numbness!

Thinking back to what I was saying before though, my friend group is fucked. I'm not sure if anyone else notices it but I definitely notice how everyone's at least somewhat mentally ill. This probably isn't the best thing to do (there's gotta be some ethical reason I shouldn't do this and it just feels illegal) but I'm gunna write out just what I think is up with my friends cause I have nothing better to do.

First up is Olivia. Anxiety through the roof. I know from experience, she thinks too much. And I also know that she used to cut back in 5th grade. It was about three cuts, each around an inch long and not very deep. I still have that day ingrained into my mind, plus I have an old diary entry on it. She texted me asking if I could keep a secret and I immediately had an idea of what she was going to say. It was just a gut feeling, you know? She said that she got mad at her friend and took it out on herself. She said it didn't hurt but I knew it wasn't good. I asked her to send me a picture to make sure and yep, she was being serious. I made her promise to tell her parents and I made her promise to never do it again. As far as I know, she followed through in both so go Olivia! One last thing, adhd. She'd very obsessive sometimes, about a lot of random stuff. It's alright though, we love her anyway. <3

Next up is Vinny I guess. For him, I'm not as sure. He definitely has some form of anxiety and I know he goes to a therapist so there's that. He's also mentioned that he writes in a diary but I don't know how thorough he is or when he started. I doubt he writes essays like I do but he's an emotional kid so maybe he does. You never know. I could totally see him doing that but then again he doesn't seem like the type to sit still for an hour or three so idk. I think he has social anxiety though. A need to be seen as cool or accepted (which I'm terrified might be my doing). He has tons of friends and is pretty darn extroverted but the more I look at it the more convincing it gets. I could be making meaning out of coincidences though. Other than him openly saying (although in a joking manner) that he has anxiety I've also taken note of a few other things. Like at laser tag we were walking from the room where they gave us the instructions to the room with the vest things we had to wear. I said something like "we haven't even done anything yet and I'm all shaky" and he said something like "yeah, me too". Also, I know for a fact from drama club that he bites his nails and pulls out his hair when he's stressed. He definitely thinks about things after they happen too because he brought up that time I yelled at him for wasting 45 minutes of my time planning a walk up to the gas station he wasn't even allowed to go on like a month after it happened. He was just randomly bringing it up saying how funny it was but that still means he was thinking about it. God, look at me, overthinking my friends overthinking. Fun. But one last thing was how he didn't tell me/our friend group/anyone (depending on which one you're talking about) he was dating Olivia or Athena. Apparently, he didn't say anything cause he thought people would be rude about it. Maybe it's just me but that sounds like social anxiety if I've ever heard it.

(Edit from the next day: at lunch, he told us/me and Riley that over spring break his therapist said he "definitely has anxiety" and probably has ADHD. Yay... I ended up half-heartedly telling them I'm on Zoloft now but I didn't tell them what it was other than that it was a pill. I can't believe I told them so soon but I don't think they were listening anyway... I hope... Especially while Vinny was telling us about his anxiety. I hope that if he knew what Zoloft was that he didn't think I was trying to outdo him or some shit. I was just trying to let him know he wasn't alone)

After that, we've got Riley. They're pretty obvious as far as I can tell, just anxiety. It's not exactly like mine where I don't even answer texts but she still doesn't like talking to people and regularly skips out on fun stuff with friends. She sucks at making decisions and is generally just an introvert. It's okay though, we can be introverts together, that's why I'm friends with them.

Now is Michael. I think he has a need to be seen as cool (like Vinny) whether he wants to admit it or not. I don't know why I think that, but I do. It's something to do with his inability to hold conversations. Every five seconds he recites some meme or if it's over text he sends a meme. I'm also pretty sure he was embarrassed by his inability to rollerblade. We'll fix that eventually ;)

Lastly is Kiarra... I'm not sure about her. She seems fine to me. It's probably because she's straight Xb. Jkjk, good for her though. Chasing boys, getting in drama, and not being super depressed. Or maybe she is, idk. I doubt it but you never know.

And that concludes my rant on my friends' mental states. Everyone's secretly (or not so secretly) a dumsterfire except for Kiara who's just choosing to be oblivious to everyone dying inside. Yay... Imma go to sleep now, it's 2:30 TUT. Buh bye!

~ Gentleman