Gentleman ♀

Was It All Fake?

Hi,

So, I’ve been thinking. I’ve been being all mushy for around a month right? Maybe a little more, a little less. Well you know what else has been going on for around a month? Oh god, I don’t even wanna say it… I started taking birth control T^T. What if this entire month long emotional funk is because of my birth control? I googled it and yeah, apparently birth control can give you mood swings. Fucking- great! This whole thing… because of a hormone pill. I feel like melting into the floor just thinking about it. Ridiculous! I’m gunna go see if the dates line up but first I'd just like to think some more.

Maybe it’s not because of the pills. I mean, I started taking the pills around the same time all this emotional shit happened anyway. I mean, since when is finding out your two best friends we’re dating behind you back not emotional? But maybe I’m overreacting because of the pills. I don’t know why I’m so upset about it but I really don’t like the idea of my emotions being affected by the pills. Kinda funny since I’m about to start taking those antidepressants or whatever but what am I supposed to do?

Maybe I’ll change the subject to that for a while. What do I do? I hate having anxiety and being scared shitless every second of my life but what’s the point in feeling good if it’s not me that’s feeling good. I mean, it’s still me, but it’s with help from drugs. I don’t want to feel happy because some pill slowed down my brain functions. I want to feel happy because I’m happy. And emotional too. I don’t want to be open and caring because of a pill. I want to be open and caring because I’m open and caring. Does that make sense? I know it makes no sense but it still makes my brain hurt. I’m not even on Zoloft yet and I’m stressing about it. Though I guess that’s why I’m taking it in the first place.

I know this is kind of off topic (even more off topic than I already am), but I hate feeling like there’s something wrong with me. I know it’s not my fault and I know my mom dose t mean to make me feel this way but I really feel like my anxiety is some unnatural illness I have. I mean, that’s literally what it is but that doesn’t help me any. My mom keeps saying stuff like… I don’t even remember, I just know it made me feel like something’s wrong with me. Like I’m somehow different from everyone else. I know I’m not. My entire friend group is just kids with adhd and anxiety. But it still feels so isolating, you know?

I wish my entire friend group wasn’t like we were. Don’t get me wrong, I’m so glad we found each other, but it sad to see all my friends in therapy and shit. Thank god they’re going but it’s sad that they need it. Vinny, Michael, Olivia, and at some point Riley are all seeing therapists and Vinny, Michael, and (at least in my opinion) Olivia and Riley all have adhd. And then there was Kiara. According to my mom, friends are supposed to trust each other. Or at least be willing to open up about certain things but we’re all just so closed off. We joke about our anxiety and use therapy as an excuse for not being able to hang out but we never say more than that. Me and Vinny joked about committing suicide together with a toaster in a bathtub because we don’t want to die but don’t want to live and just brushed it off! I mean, I guess it’s all fun and games but hearing him agree that he doesn’t want to continue living hurts. Of corse, neither of us said we want to kill ourselves but still. I hate that they feel like me. Someone’s gotta get the floodgates going and honestly? I think if nobody else is going to do it, I’m fit for the job.

Goddamnit! I wanna cryyyyyyy. I just checked if the days I stared taking birth control and the days I started getting emotional match up and it’s fucking perfect. Damnit! I started taking Larin approximately 3-5 days before I started getting all emotional. So chances are, it was all fake… I gotta admit, that doesn’t make me feel too good. You know what? My mom asked me earlier if the birth control had any side effects… should I tell her? I don’t knowww. It could me the birth control, but it could also be the dramatic mess that is my best friends dating behind my back for three months! Sorry, I’m still a little maddddd. I gotta sleep on this. Plus I think I’m going to laser tag with Vinny and some friends tomorrow so I need to get some sleep. I’ll write again soon. Buh bye!

~ Gentleman