Gentleman ♀

I Hate Middle School
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2022-03-30 23:29:39 (UTC)

In Depth Analysis Of How I Feel


I was just thinking, why do I care so much about Vinny and Olivia and all of that? If we can just talk about Vinny for a bit, why do I care about him so much? I’ve really been thinking about it and I can’t figure it out. I definitely don’t have a crush on him and yet I still really want to impress him if that makes sense. This is my diary so I can admit stupid shit like this, a week or two ago he said my hair was fluffy. “Like a cats fur but fluffier” he said. It’s no big deal, really, and yet after that I found myself making sure to condition my hair way more than necessary. Like I said, I don’t have a crush on him and he’s kind of a jerk, but that one thing stuck with me enough to make me smell like smell like flowers and shit just to keep my hair soft. WHY DO I CARE!?!?

I know this whole entry is stupid, but if I’m gunna get over this I have to work through my feelings or whatever. This is embarrassing. Anyway, thinking back on it, I really do care how he feels. I mean, I care how anyone feels but he’s different somehow. Maybe it just because I know he’s hiding something but I really want his trust. I think I felt this way before I figured out he was hiding something though. I went back and read my entry from musical day 2 (a day or two before I knew) and yeah, I totally felt this way.

Why does everything have to be so complicated? Why does everyone have to be so complicated? I want to be closer with him so bad but I can’t force it. I want to tell him and I want to break it all down but there’s no way I could do that. I’d make a whole scene and I’d just make us both miserable. Plus, in his words, he has trust issues. Apparently his mom told him that he was too nice, that people would use him for it. At first I thought it was ridiculous but honestly, isn’t that what I’m doing? I know he’s nice and I know I’m a horrible person and yet I’m still friends with him. I insult him and I kick him in the shin and now I’m known as some fucking demon among my friends. Of course, it’s all in good fun but it still stings. They still have the general belief that I’m some horrible monster of a friend. I don’t deserve them dude, I gotta be better than this.

Thinking back to the musical, I was rethinking something the therapist lady said to me and it’s just confused me more. You see, I’ve always said that my favorite memory was sometime a long time ago at a fair. I was around 8 maybe, on the scrambler with Emma. We were spinning around and Party In The USA came on and we started singing it. Just spinning around and around with my favorite person at my favorite place singing my favorite song. But you know what? Rethinking the question of “what is your favorite memory”, that time Vinny hugged me after the last performance came to mind. I don’t know if it’s my favorite memory but you know? It felt really good. It felt like trust. But he hugged all his friends and that just makes the memory hurt. He hugged all those theatre kids right before he hugged me like he does it all the time. Does he really feel more comfortable with them than me? Does he trust those kids he just met more than me? Why am I jealous over this? I hate itttttttt.

Like I said, I don’t love him like it sounds, I think I love him like a brother. I guess I can’t be 100% sure but I think it makes sense. Ever since I can remember I’ve always wanted a brother. Someone I could be close with, yet rough with. Nobody in my family can take a joke except for my dad and even he has a short temper. Plus he’s way older than me. So when Vinny came into existence with his humor and *cough* tolerance it stuck. Then we knew each other for a while and got more friendly, I really stuck. It sounds embarrassing and if Vinny ever figured it out I’d probably go die in a hole but I think it’s true. I think I’m just afraid of losing someone with so much potential and meaning.

Now that I think about it, I did something similar with Michael back in 5th and 6th grade. All through 3rd 4th and 5th we were pretty darn good friends then around the end of 5th grade and 6th grade we stopped talking as much. I think I’m afraid of losing Vinny like I lost him. However, recently during language arts and last weekend at the skate station I’ve been trying to rekindle my relationship with Michael. If I can strengthen both those bonds then maybe it’ll work out better. I don’t want to get into the Michael funk from last year again but I think it could work. My goal is for one, if not both, of them to trust me. Simple as that, trust me enough to tell me something. I don’t know what it is about guys but in the least weird way possible, I think it’d be an accomplishment to get one of them to trust me. Not in a “trophy to put on my shelf” sort of accomplishment, but a “something deep and meaningful” kind of accomplishment.

I don’t know how to make it not sound like I see it as a challenge but I don’t. It just means a lot to me. I value everyones trust but admittedly, girls are open. They like to talk, I know because I am one. But guys are closed off. No matter how much they think they don’t care, the media’s ingrained it into their brains that they have to be strong and emotionless and not trusting. That’s why I want to be the one they can trust. Obviously Vinny’s not too affected by everything since he opens up to Olivia but I want to be there too. You know what? He doesn’t even open up to Olivia a lot. He didn’t tell her he didn’t love her, he didn’t tell her he was in a new relationship, and he’s hiding all the shit from her that he’s hiding from me too. He just told her about his trust issues and sexuality. That’s all. Plus, I only gave him like a half hour to admit his sexuality to me before I asked him about it instead. Admittedly, that doesn’t mean I’m not jealous, but still.

This is a stupidly long entry so I’ll try to wrap it up here. Haha you thought! I never “wrap it up” on time. My brainstorming sessions always go to shit but I’m bored so I’m going to do it anyway. I’m gunna think of some simple ways to nudge my relationships with my friends in the right direction. I’ll start with Vinny. Things are complicated-ish between us right now (at least in my end) so I’ll do something simple. I’ve been thinking about it for a while actually. I was going to ask him to explain his sexuality to me. It doesn’t need to be deep, I just genuinely want to understand. He’s aroace but dating a girl so I’ll ask about that. How does he know he’s aroace? What does aroace mean by his definition? How does he know what gender(s) he’d date if he doesn’t feel a lot of romantic attraction? I mean, I don’t feel romantic attraction and I’ve never even had a crush let alone date anyone so how is it different from how I feel? Obviously I won’t ask these specific questions but you get the gyst.

Next is Michael I guess, this plan is even more simple. Teach him how to rollerblade. Nag him till he learns or gets so sick of me that he leaves. Either way I’m sure it’ll be fun wether he wants to admit it or not. I saw his smile last weekend while I was annoying him and I don’t see that very often. I want to hear the smile in his voice and see it on his face more often. No more deep “I don’t care” sounding voice, I like the smile ^^.

After that I guess the only other relationship I want to work on at the moment is Olivia. We’re on a steady upwards spike as far as I can tell and I plan to keep it like that. She’s a very open person and we already consider each other best friends so this one should be pretty easy. My plan is to just let it play out. I can either A; contemplate what the hell Vinny’s hiding with her, B; tell her about my cutting because I told her that I would, or (my favorite) C; wait and let her find something to complain to me about. Saying complain sounds like I’m being mean but that’s honestly what I want. I live to hear her rant to me. It feels so good to know that she trusts me and I love to take the weight off her shoulders. It’s a win win and that makes me so happy.

This entry is wayyyyy too long so Imma wrap it up here. Well, I plan on immediately starting a new entry on what me and that therapist talked about but I might take a shower instead. I’m not allowed to since it’s 1:15 AM so probably not but it’s a possibility. Either way that’s the end of this entry so buh bye!

~ Gentleman