Gentleman ♀

Foresight and Hindsight

Hello,

So, once again, not much has happened recently. I mean, some stuff has happened but none of it is super interesting. I'm gunna write about it anyways though cause I have nothing better to do. I've just been watching iceberg videos all day in my pajamas cause I'm home alone. After writing this Imma take a shower and get dressed and all that but it's already 3:00 PM so there's practically no point lol.

I guess I'll do an update first and then I'll go ramble for a bit. Yesterday my mom and I talked to a psychiatrist about getting me medication for my anxiety. We had to do it over a zoom call but other than that it was alright. The lady was nice and I ended up talking alone with her for 20 minutes or so. Side note, that seems like a pretty cool job to have. Talking to mentally fucked people for 20 minutes then giving them pills and sending them on their way. Sarcasm aside, that seems like something I might want to do when I'm older. Anyway, she ended up prescribing me some pills I'm supposed to start taking on Friday. I'm not entirely sure what it's called but I think it's the same thing my dad's taking. I'm definitely not sure but it might. Since I didn't really know what the pills did the lady explained it to me and it's honestly really cool how they work. So there's like, a thing in your brain that spits out serotonin. Then another receptor thingy receives the serotonin making you happy or not anxious or something. Well my serotonin receptor thingy is a slacker and not receiving the serotonin quick enough so the thing that spits out serotonin is reusing it, therefore not giving me enough serotonin. Great. Apparently, the medicine stops my brain from reusing the serotonin making me happier. Or at least that's how the lady described it. Seems pretty interesting and, once again, like something I could do for a living when I'm older.

For the complaining bit, I'm just rethinking what happened with Vinny Olivia and Athena again. While talking to the psychologist from last entry (not to be confused with the psychiatrist from this entry) we got on the topic of how close I am to my friends. I said how I thought I was close to my friends, but recently my friend was hiding a big secret from me. She asked me if I ever asked them why they didn't tell me and to my own surprise, I actually had. I can't blame you if you haven't kept up with my essays on what's going on so I'll update you on what I'm talking about. I asked Vinny why he didn't tell me that he and Olivia were dating and he pretty much just said that he thought "people" would laugh it off and judge them. I told him that I knew I wasn't the best friend in the world but I wouldn't be mean about it and he agreed. He said he knew I wouldn't be mean about it but that other people would be mean about it. At the time I wasn't satisfied but left it at that but now, in that room talking to the lady I realized something. That little shit didn't even give me a real answer! I didn't ask why he didn't tell anyone else, I asked why he didn't tell me! That's why I wasn't satisfied, he completely dodged the question without me even noticing. Jeez.

I swear, I keep going back and forth about how I feel. On one hand Vinny keeps dodging my questions and keeping secrets even though I thought we were best friends but on the other hand, it's absolutely none of my business. I was and still am a bitch and a horrible friend to him and I can't blame him for not trusting me with his secrets. I'm a bad person and he knows it. He has every right to keeps secrets. But back to my first point, I'm trying so hard to be better. No more pissing him off, no more hurting him, I've even apologized for knowing about him and Athena. Can he not tell that I'm trustworthy? But again, I'm not trustworthy. But I can keep a secret. But I'm an asshole. I just keep going in circles and it's exhausting. Can he trust me or not? I guess it's his decision and I already know how he feels but goddamn. Truth hurts. BOOM! Surprise third party, maybe I'm overreacting. This whole thing is happening in 7th grade. Everyone involved is in 12 and 13. I don't want to undermine what's going on but again, I don't want to overreact either. God I hate this.

Another quick note about the therapist and Vinny, I told the lady that I was really mean to one of my best friends when we first met. I didn't tell her it was the same kid keeping secrets from me and I didn't even use his name. I'm not sure why but I couldn't force myself to use their names. Maybe it's the fact that I'm talking to a real person. But anyway, I told her how much I think about it and she asked if we talked about it any. I said that we joke about it every once in a while but that it's a bittersweet topic we don't stay on for long. I told her how he said he cried a lot that year and how much I thought about it and she said that maybe I should apologize to him. I've been thinking about apologizing for a while and was probably going to do it when all this drama started. She said that maybe he's been thinking about it too and that apologizing might help both parties but I can't convince myself to do it with all that's been going on. I told her that I would eventually apologize and she agreed that it was a good idea. I didn't tell her this but I really don't think I can do it anytime soon. I've already been too emotional around him and as much as we both might need this apology I think we also need some normalcy for a bit. I promise, right here right now, in text, that I will apologize to Vinny eventually. I just can't do it now.

Hailey's coming home now so I have to make some Macaroni and Cheese then take a shower so I've gotta go. Thanks for reading my emotional ramblings. Buh bye!

~ Gentleman