Evolving marriage
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2022-03-28 21:23:03 (UTC)

Survived Insomnia Hell Night

Dear Diary,
Well that was a rough night my last entry, I had insomnia, didnt sleep all night, crying and just after 7am I went to the bedroom where husband was sleeping and was so filled with anger and anxiety, but I tried to remain controlled. I had found a guy on youtube discussing intimacy anorexia and I watched the videos and I was all Oh my gosh this is what Ive been dealing with and they said for the partner in the situation that they have ptsd and similar symptoms of someone who has had to deal with someone with a sex addiction or having had an affair.

Sure we are having more sex now but the root of everything and whats gone on for 10 plus yrs hasnt been addressed. So I brought in the video, husband watched it and we had a long talk, we watched some of the other guys videos, one was a seminar he did on sex for men and wow that one was good. We stopped it often to talk about the talking points, we have already been implementing some of the things this guy does, he has a center in Co and does all types of counseling and intensives having to do with Sex and intimacy. And the thing he said with the Intimacy anorexia is the other partner is starved, they are the one suffering while the other one is controlling it. So needless to say, we had a good long talk about everything and he said he would get the videos, books or whatever if needed. We already found something we learned from the video we want to start implementing and have never done or heard of it and he also has a series on the trauma that the other spouse has experienced.

And it just made sense, because I felt so bad the next day, blaming myself, why am I upset about this stuff, why cant I just be quiet, why is this stuff a big deal, etc. And I guess I felt validated.

We had a guy coming to buy furniture that I am, I had no sleep but had to get up and be presentable, the guy drove a ways and bought the piece but he wanted to talk, hes in antiques as am I and so he stayed quite a bit and left me his card and wants us to come by his place sometime he wants to give me an old mirror.

I ended up getting back in bed with husband shortly after his arrival and we were cuddly and he took care of business :)

took a nap and then we ordered dinner out as we were both so tired. Laid on the couch and I literally ate dinner and passed out on his lap on the couch watching tv around 8pm.

Something happened though after I was up all that night and crying, in the am I was wheezing, I dont have asthma, it was bad, I felt like I couldnt clear my throat, you could hear the rattling with my breath, when I took a shower it was better but it returned around lunch, husband things it was the crying all night and my nose running in my throat. I googled and saw that actually can have an asthma reaction due to emotions(excitement and sadness) that is has to do with your breathing and it being shallow and your muscles. Or I just had something and the stress and no sleep weakened my immune system. I was coughing so hard and trying to clear my throat. Luckily I bought a nebulizer, none of us have been sick during the whole pandemic but I have a stash of recommended items should one get sick, whew thank goodness for the nebulizer, it did stick breathing the solution, but it cleared up my airways and made it so I could sleep at night. I woke up at 5am today and had to do it again. The night prior I was coughing when I woke up in the am so hard I wet my pants! Ive never done that! Fun fun!

So Im taking my vitamins, we are also doing a diet change around here, over a wk ago we started with a 3 day liquid fast and then moved into one meal a day Keto meals. Ive also been on a workout routine about 5 days out of the wk

So you can have electrolyte drinks and bone broth outside of the meal, so around noon we have the bone broth with nutritional yeast in it for B vitamins. Im doing really well, only day 2 of the fast was the hardest as I was coming off sugar and felt that as thats my weakness.

Well as of today, Ive already lost 6 pds! The scale hasnt move but a pd or 2 here and there in yrs, Husband last was 5 pds down also. I did keto yrs ago and worked with a functional dr and lost 20 pds and felt so good, so we are getting back on board and Im doing all that again.

We went to the city to hit up Costco yesterday and stock up on food as its pricey to shop for all that in our little town store. And we can get a lot organic and in bulk. We also went to lunch and did Chicken, salad and green beans. So we stayed on our diet as best we could eating out and we are doing well.

I slept in today till 10am after being up from about 5am-7 as I had to do the nebulizer again, then I made myself go back to bed and sleep, so I can fight off whatever this is. Its cloudy and cold feeling, I miss the sun! 2 days of this then its supposed to be sunny again. I did get up and do a weights workout and my arms, stretches and my wave plate. No rebounder today with my breathing I dont want to do anything like that today as I just feel drained physically, was easier to stand in place and use weights right now.

I had sent an email to an old friend asking if it was still his email, I sorta saw him really brief, we were mostly online friends and he also would get me in for free for performances. Last time we saw him my husband and kids stopped to have Pizza with him, 10 plus yrs ago but he did stop by house one other time and crashed in my bed for 3 hrs on his drive, he didnt look good, and he begged to just nap a bit as he was headed for the mountains so I said sure. He seemed a little spaced out, I knew he was sober from alcohol but I suspect prescription drugs.

And then I just ended up removing him from my social media as we didnt really talk much anymore, and I was going through a lot as my Mom died and I wiped out a bunch of my facebook, almost deleted.

Well he answered my email. And well shortly after I removed him and went through my own life stresses, he came out as trans and is now a woman. Wow, wild, I havent known anyone personally so this was a first.

He was a good looking man, always had girls, musician, succcessful, etc. He used to joke with me online late and night and say "Hey if in another 10 yrs you and I are both single lets run off to Vegas and get married"

So we ended up texting last night and then went over to a phone call, wow, a lots happened to him now her.

Sick with long hauler covid, had some really bad stuff happen, and I just felt sad. He says hes okay but hes got such trauma and is confined and sick, and has had numerous surgeries. But it was good to talk and catch up, we ended up talking about God, its always interesting what people remember about you, he wanted to know about me and was I still going to church, and I said No, and now he is, well online right now as hes so sick. And he grew up with religious trauma also in different ways.

So thats been a lot to take in and process. Seeing a guy you were with who is now a woman is WILD the best way I can describe it and wanting to be compassionate but also not say the wrong thing when you dont have experience with this, so I asked questions.

Also my long time childhood friend I wrote that night I was awake, he and I had been talking and then a yr ago he stopped, stopped taking me calls and I didnt know what was up. I finally reached out to ask what was up and he replied, he had a heart attack! He said he was humiliated and isolating??? Now hes on all types of meds and restrictive diet and activity and the meds are messing him with the side effects. And Im just like "Wow, you need to speak up! Dont hide this" and so I told him he better stick around as Ill be in the area this yr to see him. We have known eachother since babies, lived 5 houses apart, knew eachothers families, all the same schools, and we have both lost our parents and had similar dealings in that and having to sell the family homes. He went through a divorce recently also. He married young like I did first marriage and they were together living as roomates for yrs in different parts of the house but he finally had enough and moved out just as their last child was almost 18.

So it was an earful I got from 2 old friends that was a lot of difficult things they are dealing with.

Funny how people just isolate and crawl into their shells when stuff happens, as you get older, you start to experience death more and we are approaching that stage, we have already lost friends and family and have lots of friends whos health is poor, we are just approaching 50 and we are doing pretty good, and want to be doing even better. My childhood best gf died of colon cancer in her 40s with 2 young kids in the home. My other one went through breast cancer and losing her husband to a brain tumor during the pandemic. So a lot of that going on around us.

So of course it reminds you that life is short, to do things you love, to take care of your health. I have a gf right now morbily obese, with a cane and she shut me out over a yr ago, it was becoming so hard to talk with her as it was like an old woman how she was living. I mean these are people in their 40s.

So I survived my night of sadness but if felt overwhelming at the time. But out of it sprung good things and discussion, and I pray it continues. ANd pray this thing with my lungs resolves itself okay, I have no other sick symptoms, and Im more worse when I lay down, by day IM fine, its when Im in bed at night.

Anxiety and trauma from the past, triggers, will eat you up