no name
2022-03-27 20:23:20 (UTC)

I don't know.

It feels like I'm overcompensating for what I don't have, what I can't express, with the rising volume of my music.
More, and even more, and still not enough. Nothing I do ever seems to be enough for myself.

A wise woman said I'm alive
nobody's ever told her she's wrong
I'm as alive as her beard is long

I don't think I'll ever reach it. Just a feeling. No matter how loud I make it, no matter how much effort or work I put into things, I don't think it'll ever settle in, become a part of me I can hang onto. Heck, I can't even hang onto it when I have it blasting right in my fudging ears. Won't take the opportunities available to me because 'I don't feel like it'. That's plain laziness, and despite acknowledging that, knowing it, I won't ever go against the counter-productiveness of my actions.
Listen to Elita's music.
I don't know man. Is it a matter of laziness just being a part of who I am? A lack of motivation? Maybe I just want to be my own downfall, deep inside. Maybe I'm just self sabotaging myself because I don't think it'll ever be worth it. That I won't ever be worth the effort. Am I though? Am I worth the amount of time, love, and care it would take to shape me into a proper person? At the end of the day, my answer will always be no. Unless I'm listening to some music that influences me a lot at the time. I feel sick from the ice cream thing I had. I should stop asking for food, I feel sick every single time afterwards. Gross. But yeah. Self-sabotage. It's going to be my downfall, I feel it. I don't know exactly how. My head hurts. I wish I could just rest in a void for a while, long enough to forget, restart, maybe get help. But as it is? I just. don't. feel. like it. I feel like going to sleep for 168 hours. Sleep has always been boring to me but at this point I think I'd rather do that then get up. I tend to go through mood swinging throughout the day. I wake up not wanting to do anything, either play some music and get up a little or play some music and keep my head down, tired. So tired. Even after a full nights rest. Later on I consume content that ups my mood, maybe it falls a few times around afternoon but it comes back up, then evening comes, night comes, and it slips down. Down. And I want to sleep but I don't dream so it won't last long. I have the day off tomorrow so maybe I'll just sleep the entire day. I always have to put in effort emotionally if I want to keep going.
I just end up feeling mind numbed if I keep trying.

Man I probably sound like a fudging cry baby right now.
I feel like one too.

The sound of pity. I remember it from this morning? Yeah my mom. I can't remember why.

I feel pathetic. I feel monstrous and ugly. And I feel like hiding. I feel socially challenged. I feel like an idiot. I feel like a failure in this world. And nobody gives a single rats tail, I shouldn't either, but I guess it's all too close to home.
I know being handsome or pretty wouldn't fix me. Anxieties and a lack of confidence. Not enough social experience to fearlessly be thrown into it all.
I'm useless, really. Hopeless. I wish I would have killed myself before I got to this point. First year of High School and I already want to end it. 3 more to fudging go. I don't want to wait that long but I know the only way to see if it's just puberty is to wait until I'm old enough to say it's not just teenage whims and dumb whoremones.

I remember first coming onto this site to read some people's diaries publicly for no reason at all. Back then my pc was different. Desk set up differently, maybe I didn't even have one. I'm not sure, it's kind of blurry. I came across this one girls diary. Talked about dissociation I think. Her mom. Relationships. Pretty weird. I don't exactly remember why I started writing. Maybe I wanted to feel seen. That my mind would be seen when nobody would even try to look past my fugly face. Pls I was online schooling anyway, nobody would've seen me even if I wanted them to. I was so cringe. I'm still cringe. I think it's a side effect of teen age. Unfortunate as that is, I feel like drowning myself, without the water inhalation. I want my death to be painless, tbh. I know it wouldn't be what I deserved though, for leaving my family after taking so much. Maybe I should wait, make a bunch of money, then give it to them in my will before dying, somehow.

Oh yeah to add onto the beauty and anxiety not being my only problems, to top it off, I also- nvm I forgot. Still feel sick. And dry. And ugly. I just don't know. Is it so bad just to not know?

I'm so sick of this. Sick of thinking. Sick of writing. But it never stops. Only when I'm unconscious. Yeah. That's why we sleep with asmr and shi like that. Lowkey stuck in the habit of referring to myself as we, I feel psychotic

i hate it here. no i just hate myself. and endless flow of thought. which am i? the body i despise for representing me as a whole? the face that contorts in a way that terrifies me to of what other people see when they look at me? or the thoughts that flow through my mind, tormenting me everyday, every night, every morning that i am not preoccupied with distractions? Or maybe im not even here, maybe this is all just programming and people are watching this all happen through a tv screen on the other side of this pov. through my eyes. like my life is just some joke, a silly tv show about a silly little girl who tries to trick herself into thinking her life has purpose everyday. like she isn't going to fail in the end, just like every other...

sometimes i see it. The view that they'd have.

Does anyone even like me? Would it matter? Would it make me happy to hear that someone likes me for no reason or some random reason I don't care for? No. Oh great that person thinks I'm funny,my music taste is great, or that I have style, still wanna kill myself though because this face is the worst thing I've ever had the pleasure of seeing in my entire life, as brief as it's been. Oh this one person likes my face? They're weird. Terrible standards, i feel bad for them, they're probablly just too nice, too nice to even realize just how horrendously down bad my body is right now. Just like my parents.

I have no way of getting around that mindset and I don't deserve to escape it because it's all true. Why dupe myself, delude myself into thinking otherwise? What's the point. To live? I'd rather die, by my own hand, knowing the truth than live through false assurances with the truth lingering in the back of my head everyday of my life. I'd feel more pathetic than I already do. Of course this is all being said in the case that I don't somehow end up looking better as an adult. I don't believe I will. So I'm preparing for the worst, the reality of my situation. Why have hope for what is hopeless? But once again, social skills, personality, experience, etc. etc. It's over for me either way. And I'm just so weak that I consider suicide my only option in the end. I love (most of) the people around me (that I actually interact with), and I have a great life. Great opportunities, great records, great food, great housing. But I'm not a great person. Not great enough to contribute anything. Not great enough to help anyone. Not great enough to rely on. Not great enough to stick around. I'm just a parasite to this family. Eat up their food, stay in my room doing nothing they can be proud of, waste their money and time, and sleep. All I seem to do is take up space, only noticed at home.

The world probably won't change with my death, but at least some people will be better off.

This is the sort of time I would listen to some comforting stuff to cope with being the most negative person ever to myself (and thank goodness it's only to me I would literally shred myself if I did this sort of crap with another person, id feel so sick with myself, disgusting). And who's to say I won't listen to it later. But I just feel a brewing headache.
cold fingers.
im so sick of repeating myself all day everyday. its the same thing over and over and over and over every single fudging day. i just want it to be over already. why am i even still here. afraid of the afterlife. afraid of what happens if i shut down and actually create problems but i just want to rest. for a long time. im wasting time writing this when i could be resting, taking in comfort i don't deserve. but i feel so heavy. so thick and slow. like slime. slow to move. sticking to everything, the annoying substance that i am.

my knees hurt.
this is slander.

im so tired so so tired of this. and i know that it wont change. that i dont deserve change. i deserve to suffer in my own mistakes. but i just wish i could sleep. peacefully. forever. instead. regardless of the happy moments that may seem worth living for in the future. the bad outweighs the good and my teenage brain without foresight or any fudging

im just done
i feel angry, no, frustrated. and hurt and heavy and slwo and fat and just thinking about how i look when i cry is almost enough for my tears to dry up.

so vain

i cant i cant i cant and nothing iwll help if i wont help myself and i know i wont. talking like i don thave control over msyefl when im the only one that does. im pathetic.i really wanna end it. before

im so sick.

i want to turn my brain off. id be more happy if i didn't have an internal monologue reminding me of all the things i hate about myself everyday. so many things would be so much better, more enjoyable.
Today I looked in the mirror- no even before that, on Thursday I think, I needed pictures of myself for a project and of course I didn't have any of myself on my phone. So I had my mom send me some and. Those pictures are only around three months old. When I tell you I wanted to tear myself to pieces on the spot, I mean it. I'm so happy we wear masks to school now. It's honestly humiliating to live with a face that looks like that. Like this. It's just unreal. How could I look like that. How could I just be human and feel okay with living and actually go to school, wake up and be alive, and look like /that/. I wouldn't have the audacity if I always had a 3rd person view of myself. I'd kill myself for sure. There's no way I'd be alive right now. It's appalling that my family would ever tell me I'm beautiful to my face, looking into my eyes and saying things like that when it's clear that I look like. That. It's so fudging, I don't even know how to describe how amazingly ridiculous it is. It's basically a joke. I'm a joke. My face is a joke. God must've been experimenting with something new. Maybe if I were a beautiful person on the inside it would bearable, but at most, I'm a decent human being with decent morals, and that's just not enough to compensate for this.

Long rant cut short, I looked hideous in every single photo she sent so I had to get one where my hair curled around my face enough to take the focus off of it. I wish it wasn't true. It makes me sad. That morning I looked in the mirror and thought, "You look decent, so just hold your head up and make it through the day."
I do not ever look decent.
Y'know I don't have a problem with my facial features, as much as it may seem like I'm lying right now. Big noses, small noses, normal noses are beautiful. Small, big, slanted, wide, squinted eyes are pretty. Small, big, thin, thick lips are nice too. Cheeks, foreheads, face shapes, etc etc. You get the point. I don't hate on particular features because there's nothing wrong with them. They look good on people. Something's wrong with me. I apparently lack the ability to wear my own facial features well. I wonder, what did I do to end up looking like this? Genuinely. I don't know how I wronged God, but I'm sorry. I'll even die to repent, please just take this stupid face off my body. It's ruining everything. I don't know how much longer I'll be on this planet for if this remains the status quo.

I look wrong. It's all wrong tbh. My face shape and the way my face is put together, it doesn't compliment itself in any way. Too big, too fat, too thick, too bumpy, too scarred, too masculine, too feminine, too much and not enough. My body reflects the feminine but masculine conflict too. The body hair- did i mention having a fudging mustache? gender mind spam
"just shave it" stfu, this is the body i received so i want everyone to see how the world fudged me over as if its their fault
and yet at the same time i want to hide as if its my fault
its not my parents' fault that their genes decided to twist incorrectly to create me. not their fault they can't see my ugliness through the fog that is good parenting.

im not shaving. im so young. why should i feel the need to manipulate my body in order to feel like i look beautiful? why should i have to feel like hiding myself from the world? why am i ugly? why do i have to feel like i am---

So I looked at the pictures my mom gave me and used the one that took attention away from my ugliness. Today I felt nice about how I looked because my clothes being loose and thin made me look slimmer, my hair and mask hid my face well, and not many people talked to me. I took off my mask while looking in the mirror in the bathroom and was once again happy we wore masks because the lower two thirds of my face ruined everything despite it not being much anyway.
I took pictures of myself a while ago because Bruce was looking at pictures of his viewers and I wanted to see if I'd even be able to take a good pic of myself if I were to do some crap like that. I took them. I'm an ugly shmuck. and i should die. But the gist is that sometimes I look decent in the mirror and sometimes I look almost as bad as I look in pictures. I look the an abomination, should not have been born, cursing the eyes, kind of ugly in pictures. It makes me ashamed to have been born tbh. Just wondering why my parents weren't able to see into the future at what I would look like, when I was born so they could just throw me away early. Save me from this kind of future. But instead they loved me.
I don't deserve any of it. Haven't lived up to any of it.

I almost feel bad admitting these things but why hold back on what I believe? Nobody even cares. I know future me will read these things and not necessarily agree because I'll probably be in some sort of better mood but definitely not disagree. it's that sort of thing every time.

I always want to come to a conclusion. Something to keep me going. Something to hang onto. Something to help. To cope. But they're always just opinions, statements, facts, that I can't do anything with. never lasts.
Even confusion is temporary. Of course it is. Emotions are temporary. Nothing is forever. My actions aren't temporary, considering the fact that they come in routines and habits. But the amount of effort it takes to start anew is definitely what is stopping me from doing anything
wow that feels fudging wow i wow just ew

im lazy. i hate being called lazy. i hate calling myself lazy. but i am. my previous statements back that up too. ew. feels bad.
i shouldnt even be here

fudge im just repeating myself. someone please take me out. take over. somehting. anything. cant do this anymore.