GoodGirl
Evolving marriage
Emotional Hangover Cont
Dear Diary,
Sitting here I realize how many nights I am just here. How my man can be oblivious to how Im doing inside, the sadness, hurt, upset. He doesnt come for me and sit with me and ask me how Im doing and truly want to know and to listen to me. I was opening up after a question I asked him the night prior and he rattled on long about himself, and then my turn came and he fell asleep as IM opening up. He rarely asks questions, he rarely asks questions in return of my questions, he isnt curious about me. He just rolls along with whats there or needs a flashing sign with what to do before him. I just wanted him to talk to me tonight, along with his long bout of sexual anorexia that went on for so long, he also shuts me down when it comes to me opening up and wanting to discuss something uncomfortable, he has a common argument (Its too late, Im falling asleep, its early in the am) and Im supposed to have those conversations at the convenient time window for him, and so he will make most of his argument about timing and Ive told him "There is never a good time" and if hed just deal with the issue at hand instead of passive aggressive avoidance and all that goes down as a result, we could have gotten to the thing at hand.
Am I trying to convince myself all is good? Clouded in a haze of sex that Ive been able to avoid? I dont know
I dont know what Im feeling.
I feel like I need to get away from him, it seems like the times in life where hes REALLY truly been more attentive and started to REALLY Listen was when I broke up with him, or when I got my own studio by the ocean. I guess he saw some urgency to change things at those times, otherwise, I do feel taken for granted.
I am not saying things are terrible, horrible or anything like that, Im saying, something isnt right. And Im the one who sees is and is trying so hard to make it right or fight to fix things that need repair. He doesnt know I was in a depressive hole this am in the bedroom, I think he just thought "Oh she doesnt feel good" no I didnt feel good emotionally. I felt HOPELESS
He doesnt know Im sobbing and tears are running down my face right here and now on the couch in our living room.
What was our conflict? It was about oral sex. It was about us having a deep talk on it, we have had so many of these deep talks, and this was one area I was sensitive and afraid to approach but did it finally, I mean after 20 yrs you would think a couple really talks about it, but we hadnt.
And I got the impression hes not into it. From our time together. Hes strictly a Penis to V type of person. No fault in that, not complaining about that. But I was puzzled why this man doesnt want blow jobs, crave them, ask. I cant wait him up and just do it, that would make him mad also. But the amount of times hes gone down on me I can count on my hands. He goes on to tell me how much he loves it, and made taste mouth sounds, saying how good it is, and he thought I was against it? My only concern for either of us, was cleanliness when it happens. Im big on cleaning up, showering first, and I made that known to him, that was really the only thing to cause apprehension is smellls, he said well then, as soon as your period is over Im going to town. And well, 2 wks have passed. I even suggested a few nights back we do that instead and he said hed rather have sex. So then he says to me the following day, in the am "It will happen today" and I said "OH? I would like some warning to clean up" mind you hes working at home by our bedroom. I never know if he has meetings or deadlines, so its on him, I just figure outside hours but now and then something can happen over lunch. Well nothing happened, and another day went by, after him telling me it will, me holding him too that and anxiously waiting, the day comes and goes, and so I woke up in the am, a good 2 hrs before he had to be up for work, and couldnt sleep and was mulling over it and wanting to talk to him, heck I can never pick a right time, hes too tired, so he asked me why I was up and I said I couldnt sleep, he asked what I was thinking about, and I told him "What happened to that statement and you coming for me?" and his reply "Your cant sleep over that?" and once again I just feel invalidated, and well he said it would happen, and as you can guess that whole day went by, and it didnt, and he was falling asleep on the couch on me when I was talking and I said "SO I guess today isnt happening" He got up and angrily walked away and that is where the argument stemmed from. I said "Dont say things like to me, with as much of a drought we have been in for so long and not feeling desired, your word means a lot to me, and you say things like that and dont follow through, what am I supposed to do it? Ignore it, stuff it? Forget about it? And he will just go into his mean dark place or avoidance and not wanting to deal and blame and what have you.
And here we are.
Its not about no loving him, I love him more then you can imagine, its that I feel I love him more and am willing to do more and try to meet his needs, but he doesnt seek out to see what mine are, he writes onto me what my needs should be and tries to execute them, so my friday night I sat alone while he worked on my moms old car, he does stuff like this, when he is messing up, he fixates on something else, something tangible, not emotional that he can control and "FIX" and Im thinking "Forget about that, hello? Im right here" I appreciate the thought but hes missing the mark here. It wont smooth over what you are avoiding, its just prolonging it and Im more upset sensing the avoidance and being left alone while he avoids. ANd all I want to do is get down to "Whats the problem?"
It was oral sex... that was the topic that he talked about so differently, he said he loves how I taste and how I smell. I take pride, I shave, I clean myself, I lotion, I oil. I try to be sexy and sensual, I have beautiful underwear from thongs to victorias secret, lace, you name it, and i can walk around in it and he not say a thing, he rubbed my butt cheek a bit under my pants on the couch but thats as far as it went and he stops.
Hes confusing.
And I just so badly want to be touched, held... and truly have him open up to me with whats going on inside of him, like be honest to God truthful, dont BS me.
And you know what happens in these moments? I think of the guy S, the military guy. He pops into my head a lot. Why? I think of him holding and kissing me. I think of the statement he made yrs back that how he had the night with us as a special night to remember when he was in dark places. He told me he always wanted to come back and make love to me, but we both ended up getting married, but always checked in here and there on one another. Well me more then him. Then a few yrs ago he messaged me and wanted to talk, he had started therapy and was dealing with his past, childhood, trauma and had basically lied to me about his story about his parents. Im really the only friend he has, and he came clean, it was abuse and trauma, not the story he portrayed about his parents dying in a car accident when he was a teen and him being an orphan basically and ending up with his gma who then died, and he enlisted... that was the lie and he told me the truth, Neglect, sexual abuse, adoption, abuse at the home he was living in and that he just wanted to forget all of that....
So he and I have had some deep talks, we would talk time to time, for a good hour plus, him on the other side of the US, he then said he wanted to come help me when I go to work on my family property, so I let him know when I was going but due to some military stuff he couldnt make it, and hes come out to the ocean where the studio was, but it was never at times when it worked for us both to be there.
WHen I got my studio, he and his wife were on serious outs, and well they ended up separating, he moved out. He had begun dating, he kept saying "So are things good with you and your husband?" and I would say yes. I mean they were improving. So we didnt bridge that.
But I do have that nagging feeling back inside of me. We are online together, and I noticed something on his profile, last i spoke to him he was dating a Dr. Well it said he was married, but he never told me anything, he messages me the other day, something about gas prices in the beach studio town, and I asked him how things were, he said "The wife and I reconciled, 3 mos ago, its a lot of work, but Im happy" and I sat there, wish he would have told me I guess, but thats a guy for you. I want to hear what happened, she had an alcohol problem and he has some serious military injuries that cause him pain and hes had spine and neck surgeries, and he told me about her coming in and clubbing his legs during one of his recoveries, he began sleeping in another room.
He wanted to get some land, in NC mountains when he retires, and build his own off grid setup. Have some land. Thats what hes always talked to me about.
Im honest to God sitting here right now and feel like I have nobody to talk to, no more Mom, shes gone. My best/closest girlfiriends? Well we dont talk about this stuff and they are both in their own dysfunction in life right now and not good as a support because their lives are out of control.
THere are no 12 step meetings in my town, only zoom, I miss people, I miss a meeting, I go to the beach studio like I did in Dec and Jan and I was able to attend my old meetings.
I miss my people and always knowing I have place to go.
The nearest meetings are 90 miles away, and some eves, and its a dark road drive with deer on the roads at night to get home to here, so its not something I want do drive home late at night for, I have found 2 mid wk at noon 90 miles away that I could swing, but I have to make a day of it, and also the vehicle thing, I always have to take his car as my vehicle has some issues and I dont trust it long distance, so thats part of the reason for the new car, I need a car to travel out of state in. And so I dont have that "I can get up and go" same feeling one has when they have their ownc vehicle to go somewhere in.
Its like I want to get away right now, because he doesnt want to go and deal with things I want to do discuss, and the avoidance kills me, and I cant walk around here and act like things are okay, which is why I had my own retreat. I mean when we are having little sex, hes in his own head space, me leaving for 2-3 wks ever few mos was just our norm. Its how I kept myself going. Doing things I enjoy, even if he cant do them or he doesnt want to deal with stuff in life, I cant sit around in his hole with him. I had to keep living.
And Ive not traveled on my own since last Sept! This is a long time for me, for almost 10 yrs I havent stayed home all the time.
I let go of the beach studio after we bought this house, with the pandemic I couldnt justify it anymore and buying the new home, it made it a longer drive of 9 hrs to get there one way.
I miss Moms, mom was always there, I could always go, always stay, never an issue, she never turned me away, always had me, my oldest son was living with her then also.
It was my place to go.
Now I dont have anywhere
ANd you could also call mom at anytime to talk, she was always there, and she just left this earth so suddenly without warning.
And now I have siblings who are like strangers, and the one I am close to is working herself to the grave, obssessing over retirement, when she is FINE. But she keeps torturing herself, shes 10 yrs older then me, already had a stroke and other various issues and works a hard labor job that she shouldnt be doing. Dads cabin was left to her, its 2 hrs from me, she could be here, sell her place in Ca and make a big profit! But she just keeps beating up her body and I wonder if she will make it to retirement alive. That is my one family member I do talk to on the phone about once a wk, we used to talk 3 times a wk.
The other 2 siblings, Ive given up. Its like my life growing up, everyone would gather for one family holiday, spend a few hrs then go home and that was "my family" and my way I saw my siblings was at my parents house, I drove over, I lived in town and as a result they got Mom, Dad and me. But they never go to know ME outside of them. I lived 5 min from my parents in a home for 12 yrs and my brother never once came over until I was moving out, because his old high school buddy was our plumber doing work as we were selling it, so I didnt feel he even came over to see ME.
He did leave me the family land that my Dad passed to him, I never dreamed it would be mine, he has 2 sons, and I figured it would be theres when they he passed away. Its been in our family since the later 1800s, where my Dad grew up, where my Grandma lived and died in the 60s before I was born, the town is tiny, population 75. Its a little over 3 acres, and I just feel a connection when Im there, I have wonderful neighbors, all old timers who knew my Dad and gma. They look after things when Im away and also come over to help me everytime I visit. I finally got the old house which was a dangerous insurance trap taken down last yr. And i had a tiny house delivered, but my next step is electricity, but its a hard drive to make it the winter and cold so my best times to go there are APril and Sept. So the time is approaching. I have no idea what Im going to do with the land just yet, also Ive been trying to find an old house to buy, a cheaper small one, to have a place to go when Im there. And some real estate to invest in, you can still buy places affordable there and land. Its an 18 hr drive to get there, I do it over 2 days and my gf from high school lives around Denver at my halfway point, so I go and visit her and stay the night.
I havent been wanting to go as much and wondering when it was going to happen or maybe Id wait till Sept this yr? Because I have been enjoying being home with my husband as our sex life started to improve, but has it? I mean as I was arguing with him, I realize how I spear head change for us, he just goes along. But what is he pouring into it. How much is he working at this? He will think hes doing great, and I want more, and then I feel selfish for wanting more. And that Im just supposed to accept mediocre.
Im in the middle point of my life, I have a lot of love to give, and life in me and adventure. Yes I asked my husband to quit his last job, I asked my husband to retire, I asked my husband to take time off as he hadnt had a vacation in about 3 yrs, those were points of contention and he held onto, but then did, and when he quit that job and we were at the ocean, all was good, thats when our sex life and time together had none of the mental clutter in his head.
Now his interests are work and his gun and shooting. He misses ju jitsu wrestling, but he got injured, and it was an ongoing issue. I thought he was too overweight and out of shape to be doing it, but he was insistent (hes been in and out of doing it ) and he hurt himself twice, trips to the ER with him, and the last time, that night he went I was going to tell him before he left the house "If you get hurt, dont call me" as I was nervous about it, and well, guess what happened? HE GOT HURT, worse and its stopped him from Ju Jitsu now, and I had to help him, he had to be driven home from class and helped in the house. Hes now looking at surgery as a result of that injury which will put him down and therapy for a yr, and I do have some bleh feelings over that, I hope he pushes himself, cause watching a man just be a computer tv potato sitting around you get to feed, SUCKS.
Hes younger then me but acts like an old man at times. Im exercising again, spearheaded our fast and healthy diet, weight loss, and he just goes along with me. this is a pattern with us see? I spear head change, he just is stagnant until I say "Something is going to happen" and I either have the plan laid out, or I say ENOUGH and take a time out from him to deal with what changes i need to make in my own life and he is left alone with himself to realize 'Hey she isnt going to be around if I do nothing" and those are the times where he has stepped up, but why do we have to go to such extremes? Which is why I feel the need to get out of here.
I dont even know what to do with myself right now. My excitement for working on our house is at an all time low, so I just have been focusing on myself. Working out, eating healthy, cooking, cleaning, I take care of the yard work. I did want to start a business, I did want to get a rental house, but once again Im the spear head here, he just rides along doing nothing until I push the issue. this isnt a good place to start a store, the town we are in, real estate limited and super high and I want to own my own building. But I could do this easily where my old family property is, the town is 7 miles outside of the property and the main st, with store fronts for sale. I mean I could by a storefront and a house for less then our current home and I could get 10 acres!
But it gets cold there, it gets humid, it has bugs. So I dont think Id be content there full time. So if I had a little place there, if my tiny house ever gets finished inside and I have a place to sleep when I go and cook, clean up, that would be nice. It would be another "getaway" for me and time out. Like right now part of me is saying I just need to go now,(I left at this time last yr) but I have a city meeting to attnd I have to be present for. We are working on getting a new outer driveway, carport done and the guy said APril, so I want to be here, and Im waiting on our new car, and taking husbands car is an option but I know hed rather i dont. So lets pray the vehicle comes in sooner then 20 days! And we have some add ons to have done on it when it arrives.
And now I feel like Im just floating, I used to have some inner guidance and direction, but Im feeling all muddy about my goals and dreams right now, when things dont feel right at home, it shifts your focus, when things are going well, it can change things too.
Oh and my phone battery died, I have to wait until tues for a new to arrive here, so I am without my phone and contact list, husband put my sim card in an old phone we had and it works so I can at least get calls.
I dont know, I feel a little lost at the moment, unsure of direction for the future and what to do with myself. If I had it my way, we would have bought that cool old house and 6 acres by the family property, but I am always waiting on him for the green light, we have money to invest, want to invest it in real estate, but IM always putting houses to him, sharing listings and he never pulls the trigger, it took yrs for this situation to happen with the house we now own, we had taken trips to PA and Texas to look at property prior to this one. I would have signed on for either, but he wants on board. So hes a tough one, Ive sent him 2 local listings lately but he hasnt even acknowledged them back, so whatever.
I always say he just wants to sit on his $$ and know its there, meanwhile I want to grow and invest it. It is not safe just sitting in a bank and doing nothing for us, but also with buying something comes more responsibility, and remember who spearheads all that stuff? MOI?
He is working and making a decent income and providing us health benefits for the time being, he doesnt love his job, but hes just putting in time to extend retirement benefits, savings and keep us with ins, and that is okay and Im thankful for that. But I have to remind him its not everything either. Id support him if he wanted to quit tomm. Ive talked about us taking time off, travel, etc. But hes not there.
So yeah, I want to have much more sex and varied then I am, but I have to take what I can get right? Be patient, hes trying and is putting forth effort right? But will it progress to enough, or will I want more, and is that selfish of me?
I mean I guess I have to ask myself, if he wasnt here, say I was on my own, he was gone out of my life, how would I choose to live it, I ask myself that at times to help me get back centered to remember "What is it YOU want to do?" I want to travel and have sex and enjoy with the person Im in love with, is my simple answer. Id love to work on a house together or a business together but those just arent areas with my husband that work as well as hes just not a good team player, angry not as easy to work with. In that sense Im the one who is more carefree and less rigid, and wants to do things in an enjoyable way, not high stress.
Right now? I just want to walk on the beach and walk along the water, pick up stones, walk the board walk, pick up my fave foods, sit in a place at night and call old friends late at night and have 2 hr phone calls... yeah thats what i want at this moment. I want to talk to S, I sent him an email asking if he had a time to talk. ANd I got to find out the story of he and his wife back together, his divorce should have just been final a few mos prior, so Im curious what transpired, he and I would talk openly together and be supportive to what our situations were.
I used to always have a counselor, but when I moved this last time and called her and we did a phone session she informed me she could no longer do that, due to the out of state thing, Im literally just over the border, I can drive 5 min and be back in the state. So that made my heart sink, and just like that, my other confidant was gone. We are in a small city out of the major cities, so finding local services for some things is hard, I know there are a lot of online type services, but how good are they for counseling? Its hard to find someone, settle in, get comfortable with, lay out who you are so they get where you are coming from, instead of starting over again.
I hate that everything is zoom now. I want to leave my house, I want to talk to people outside my home, have that retreat from HERE you know? Hes home all the time and I have to shut myself off to an area and never truly feel left alone, like he will trapse through or walk around or make noise.
Sighhhh