Evolving marriage
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2022-03-25 21:47:07 (UTC)

Emotional Hangover

Dear Diary,
Well I attempted a convo, holding him to his word of things he said he would do, even being specific as what day, and he didnt, and well, if I point that out "Im giving him a ration of shit" and Im making a big deal, and Im saying everything else hes done right in the past doesnt count and is voided. ???? This is what happens, we suck together at arguments, we did a quiz a few wks, I think it was the love language one and there were some questions on argument patterns, and we ended up talking about how hard it was for us to pick 1 of the 4 answers as none applied, half the statements did, but the rest didnt, which in turn was just a wake up call at our argument styles.

I feel Im far better at and work at it, but Im competing with his old tapes in his head, things he says to himself, and also when hes called out on something his reaction is defensive, deflect, push me away with coldness and mean words, etc, retreat and avoid. I have to pursue things and tell him we have to talk when he tries that, as I did the "Give him time to cool down" Let him go to bed, etc, have been through all of those scenarios and tried different ways, problem is, he doesnt come back to it, and ignores it, so Im left with it, and it eats me up and caused lots of the issues we had in the past, resentments, lack of communication. So when he reverts, it makes me so sad. I tell him "Cmon, do this better" and try to remind him that we arent doing the old method anymore, that it doesnt work. But he stands on that Ego hill and pounds something down with his sterness coldness, being unkind in the process and I hurt further.

SO yeah, it was one of those arguments, and they just spiral. And he doesnt have any solutions, he puts it on me, I just feel that its all on me, me to bring it up, me to stuff it and ignore, me to suggest new ways to do things, but what does that amount too if in the end he reverts to his old method of coping. And really these dont need to be big arguments, they just escalate as we are both being triggered. Im just the only one aware and pointing it out and trying to redirect, but its hard and I can get sucked back in.

I was up last night, and then I was on youtube trying to find something to listen to as Im falling asleep.Some sex therapist, sex addiction guys video was recommended, so I put that on.

Trust me, past few mos Im googling "Am I a sex addict?" but then when I read the behaviors no, Im not doing risky behavior, having affairs, affecting my job, etc. But I vascilate still with immense shame, and then the guy was talking about intimate anorexia and ah yess thats where I have been with my spouse for a long time,,,, and that took its toll and all is not better yet, takes work, trust, communication.

The guy had all these other things to read.

And I was thinking about sex, its like I do want to have it to feel good, to escape, I just want to loose myself in it. Right now Im also not eating carbs and sugar, soo Sugar was my other go to feel good escape. Im not getting that now (I even made keto cookies yesterday to semi satisfy that) Prior to that was thrift shopping/hoarding, and its like as soon as my hormones got in check and my libido returned, I dont have much interest at all in doing that. But then Ive taken up to much more amazon shopping, lingerie, sexy things, toys, all kinds of stuff and some outfits, massage oils. Ive been so excited, fantasizing about things to do, and then I get a wake up call that Im doing too much, and to back off. This is within me. And then I feel and have asked him "Am I too much?" he has said no, that I am fine, but I am really beating myself as of late. Thinking is the hormones doing negative? Or is it just clearing my mind and thats why things are changing? or do I really use sex for pleasure and to feel good, but its that the point of it also. Its with my spouse.

I just felt so sad, woke up depressed this am over the argument, didnt want to get out of bed, stayed there till almost noon, ruimating and crying till I finally pulled the curtain open to let sun in, and told myself to "get up" my eyes all puffy and feeling emotional drained and on the verge of tears. I made my way outside and hooked up the hose, walked barefoot in the grass and watered my plants. It did start to make me feel better, then husband came out, asking me if Im okay, and sometimes its just that, him asking that makes me sob more, because Im not, and he knows it, but he doesnt want to talk about why, so its frustrating when someone comes to you acting concerned but they dont really want to hear what you have to say? Been there done that, Ill be back like last night, we did make amends at least somewhat before bed, hugged, apologized, told eachother positive things about one another.

So what was I thinking about today? About sex

How I just wanted to be loved when I first got together with my ex, what did that mean? Someone to be there, be my best friend, hold my hand, make me feel special.

And I spent almost 10 yrs of that with him in such a dysfunctional dynamic, and that is what shaped me. Remember in my first posts, I said I needed to find a guy to escape? Well when I was with a guy, I felt sexual. I wanted to be touched, but with my ex I wanted to be left alone. So outside of him I feel I had some power, desire of my own and set the pace. And it worked. It was limited, didnt have intercourse, some teasing touching, orgasms. The guy I was watching said to look at your history and the sexuality with the people.

Well I guess it went like this

Ex- Virgin, unexperienced, set up boundaries but was ignored...

2 men I met up with at the end of my marriage, who touched me but no intercouse, saw each of them several times, but no real quality time, it was me wanting to be touched, pleased, held and hoping someone will rescue me.

Then there was S, the wk my ex moved out and I already had the papers ready to serve him for divorce, I met up with S, we had been friends from aol chats, lots of good talks on God, life, etc. We talked on the phone. He even came through town once when I was married and saw him about 15 min and he met my kids. He was in the military and away a lot and had a 48 window in my state, we ended up online that night and agreed to meet in a Dennys half way for us both, we sat and he talked a lot, I listened, we drove around, mind you it was already late when we met up. We drove to some mountain point, and we kissed, and its all a blur really, actually my past enounters are fuzzy to me in memory. Like Im disconnected? But I performed oral sex on him and he came, and I never did that really?! But it was like I was trying to prove myself. We sat outside his vehicle in the dark, his arms around me and he said the words "You dont want to get mixed up with me" and I said "I already am" we drove back down the hill and I knew he would go away. It was a nice night to be honest, but why did I give him a blow job? FOr what reason? Was it to please him, make myself feel good? Prove something? I did beat myself up over it and even apologized to him way way down the line, I apologized for giving him a blow job! ha, he never complained. I just felt I was giving the wrong idea of myself. But anyways, he was off and gone again and then my now husband invited me to a party. We were friendly acquaintances for yrs, we had chatted online, and we even flirted with meeting up one day when I was feeling horny and was at the end of my marriage, but it never happened, it was just flirted with in talk.

So I go to this party of his after he heard my ex and I split, it wasnt even a date, we had mutual friends and he said I should come to get my mind off things and he would cock block me from guys bugging me. So I went. ANd he opened his door with his shirt off, just jeans, he was in awesome shape, working out, muscular and hes tattooed and nipples pierced. Not the church boys I was around, so he had that bad boy look going, but he was confident about it and that was attractive, I was uncomfortable sitting there, a little flustered perhaps? But we talked, and the time for party came, other friends came over (it was at his place) and we all mingled, I wasnt even hanging out with him, I was eye balling him instead watching him, I saw him differently that I night, I was attracted. He had some girl call wanting a booty call and he was debating going and telling me! HA! So that tells you we were not even on a date or in eachothers radar to do something. But he stayed, we went to a club afterwards and he drank a bit, cried and told me all about his mom as we sat off in a corner, we held hands in the car driving us all after we left, we went to Dennys with the group and the guys got into a scuffle of words with some other people and I was nervous and grabbing his leg telling him NO, dont fight, it was stupid, it was ego junk and drunk talk after midnight, let it slide. We went back to his apt and I remember he had said when I arrived and asked "Where will I sleep?" as he said I could stay over if needed, he said "My bed of course" and wow, that statement sounded so sexy but it wasnt meant to be, he was just giving up his bed, said hed sleep on the floor. And that is what he did.

I laid there, wondering "Why is he on the floor? Why isnt he trying to come up here with me, why isnt he coming onto me?" and I was restless, anxious, so badly wanting more, I sighed, I tossed and turned, I was not going to be sleeping! I finally said he should come in the bed and not be on the floor, and he did, but once again was respectful. I laid there wondering "Why isnt he touching me? Heck my ex couldnt keep his hands off me for a minute" Well after all that tension, at some point we were spooning and I pressed my backside tightly up against his groin, he told me later that was when he got the message "Oh shes interested in me" HA! That was the moment for him. If you have ever known anything about Aspergers, they arent good at reading cues. We started to kiss, it was so nice, and things progressed, but I said no sex, etc. Well I ended up changing my mind, asked him if he had a comdomn, he said yes, and we had sex, for a long time, slow sex. Loving sex, but hot. I got up the next day as I had a work event to attend and was getting ready, and I thought to myself "Huh? So is this how it works? 1 night stands? " i didnt know how to navigate this, I thought Id leave and that would be it. I asked him if hed like to go with me for the event, and he said sure, and I knew by that, he was interested, we spent the night together, if he wasnt he would have said no and not wanted to go with me. And we spent the day together. And hes been in my life ever since. He was my escape, we lived an hour apart, Id be turned on driving to see him (Id go every other wknd when kids with with their Dad) Id want to make love to him within 5 min of arrival, and we pretty much did. We spent time in bed, we went out to eat, I cried and talked about my abusive past and my ex made our divorce hell for 3 yrs so now this guy is listening to me, pep talking me, consoling me, making love to me, taking me out to good food, and snuggling with me in his bed all wknd when I arrive, he drove out typically once a wk, late at night after my kids went to bed, to see me, and we had sex, and the anticipation of his arrival and getting all shaved, smelling good, dressed sexy. It was fun and my escape.

So that was the first several of our relationship, I kept him away from the kids until the divorce was final because my ex was insane.

And we did break up after dating, because he was just indifferent at times, kinda cold, and I didnt feel he wanted to see me. I went out with 3 other guys, I seemed to have no issue finding them, I was in my late 20s, working out, newly separated and sexual. One was my siblings husbands bro, he smelled good, was dressed nice and I went to a family event with her and hung out with him, flirting happened and I sat on his lap, at one point we walked around the side of the house and kissed up against the wall, passionate, he touched me lightly. It was hot. And fun. We spoke after that by phone a few times, he came out to an event in my town one eve, and well he was dressed so badly, it was an immediate turn off, he was dorky, he acted dorky yet entitled and I it was just a bad eve, he said he wasnt driving home (it was an hour and a half away) but that was never discussed and I never said come stay the night, he ASSSUMED and brought in an ugly 70s duffle bag of toiletries, asked me to stop at the 7 Eleven so he could buy a toothbrush. I was put off, but I was a NICE girl, and I was manipulated more easily back then, so I felt I had to let him stay as he said it was dangerous to drive, drunks were on the road. He kept trying to touch me and I blocked him, it wasnt happening and I was so glad when he left in the am, I just wanted him out,, any attraction to him had died. How was this the same guy?

So yeah,

THe other 2, I was more interested in but once again, I notice how quickly things became sexual, right away, but Im the one who didnt feel it could go anywhere, one guy had red flags and I ditched out quick, the other, he just got around way too much, sex was so casual to him and it was more meaningful to me. We remained friends still.

And then there was the guy at the gym, I oogled and thought in my head things like "That guy could just walk up to me and grab my head and kiss me" well with time, i had friends at the gym and one of the gals new him, he was a regular, always there solo, always there when I went after work. So she introduced us formally. So he started to make little comments about my hair or something as I was on the treadmill. We ended up talking outside the gym one night and about his life. Yeah, he had done jail time, had been abusive and had not been with a woman in yrs and vowed not to date people at the gym. He was older, handsome, funny, regimented and routine. But he did grab me by the hair and kiss me, he could do that anytime and I would melt. Even though he was older, he felt like a younger guy, immature?Stunted? From jail time and addiction, even though now he was clean. And I began "dating" him, he was around my kids. He helped me do things around my house, he cooked for me. But he had ED probs and had to take a pill, no big deal, but once he took the pill? He was all fixated on just jackhammer sex, no connection, same routine, same position, and it was like he was in a race to finish off and all fixated on it. SO that part wasnt as cool but it wasnt the worst either, he did touch me and teach me and kiss me a lot which I loved. But eventually I could see the controlling components coming out he talked about he had struggled with and I was still friends with my previous boyfriend(now second husband) and he knew that. Had always been, we never stopped talking, but this gym guy told me one night I had to have sex with him to show him I loved him? Demanded it? And I Was all wthell? and said No, he was being manipulative and seductive, I just wanted him out of my house. And we fizzled after that, he would still follow me to my car after the gym and grab my hair and kiss me. I was still a sucker for that?! SO I changed my gym time to avoid him. And that was it.

And my now husband and I got back together again.

But Ive thought about how I feel when Im single, I dont want to just have sex with anyone, I do have to feel a connection/attraction.. but if I do feel one? I dont waste time! Is that bad, good, who decides?

When things started shifting for us, was probably once he moved in with me and then lost his job and was home all the time and on his computer, video games. I hated it, I planned a romantic trip, tried several times and he didnt want to go or sabotaged them. Even lying and telling me couldnt get off work for a wknd trip i planned with my kids, I called him at work on my drive out and they said "Oh hes on vacation" my heart sank, I pulled over at the side of the road with my kids and called him, I was so angry and in a parking lot going off, I was thinking it was an affair or something, but all it was, was, he didnt want to go, he wanted to have time alone. Seriously, he wasnt cheating, one time he dissappeared for 3 days meaning I couldnt reach him and he didnt call me back, to the point where I got in my car and drove over an hour at night unannouced, thinking Im going to catch him cheating. And well? He was on the floor in his room with a computer all in parts he was building, he was having an affair, WITH A COMPUTER! And I laughed, he can loose all sense of time, not even eat with his fixations, and said "Oh Hi honey" when I barged in like it was nothing.

I wanted to go on wknd beach trips, spend a night in a hotel, the times alone, have sex with him and have it romantic and fun but he kept shooting down those trips and Im thinking "What guy doesnt want to go on a trip with someone who wants to have sex with them?"

time out break, more later