Evolving marriage
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2022-03-23 22:55:19 (UTC)

Update on Life Cont

Dear Diary,
I was falling asleep last night typing so will try to add some more today from yesterdays entry.

So what else happened with us? Well it seemed the more my libido increased, the more assertive I was, he typically responded.

He does need some assistance, and has his own gains wave type device, he has venous insufficiency? so not enough blood flow in one testicle. And he is low T. So he takes supplements and has been doing treatments at home. So its not like he isnt trying to do something. But I have always told him I thought a lot more of it is trauma, self issues, hes very hard on and critical of himself and performance in all areas of his life. Plus hes not happy at the weight hes at. Neither am I to be honest. But Im the one usually spear heading changes around here. Ive been working out about 5 days a wk now. I have my rebounder and I do workout routines on youtube, I have my weights, I have done some barre workouts. I mix it up. Weekends we typically go walk one or 2 days, I half run my last few laps.

Last wk we did a 3 day juice, bone broth, eletrolyte drink fast. And now we are doing 1 meal a day Keto, we can have electrolyte drinks and bone broth for the earlier part of the day, husband can have coffee still also. Im feeling good, the inflammation in my legs has been better, I have something called lipoedema, it looks like cellulite but its different and I figured it out this last yr and it explained what was going on with my legs (being sore all the time, feeling heavy, bruising on my thighs and abdomen all the time) And when I do a lot physically my legs hurt and they swell (I thought I was gaining weight, but it was swelling I now know as it fluctuates) So now I wear compression socks or pants for my workouts, I got a wave plate, which I love and use daily. I do dry brushing also. Trying to see what I can do to help, but I can tell certain foods are causing inflammation as it seems so much better once we fasted and are on Keto. I made a dish yesterday (crustless quiche and Keto pancakes) and used a tad of milk, and I can feel it today which many people said dairy and carbs can cause the inflammation. Otherwise Ive been great. Ive lost 4 pds so far and hubby has lost 5. So its a good start and boost. I also want to build muscle, which now that Im taking testosterone it will help with that, and with the lipoedema it causes fat type storage that looks like cellulite, because of estrogen and the testosterone can help to counter that, so thats my on my goal list, I want to be defined, lose some weight and be in better shape. And it wont hurt him either :) He already had his labs drawn to see the Dr Im going too for his testosterone, Should be about another wk before we find out his results and if he will be put on testosterone. He did it for about a year about 4-5? yrs ago. But I didnt notice any change in him, he said it made his workouts better, and the Dr told me it could be depression as we sat there talking to dr, the Dr said and looked at me "Your wife will be the one to notice changes" with the testosterone, but my husband sorta glossed over that. So we shall see revisiting this again. He also got injured in sports last yr, tore his ACL and MCL and one snapped (and it doesnt grow back) so hes looking at having surgery this year. We just have to wait to hear from the drs about a surgery date, said it could be a month out. Hes doing okay considering, but it makes him apprehensive about certain activities now and he has some light pain.

So once we started having more sex, we talked a lot more, I talked a lot more, I approached topics that were awkward, uncomfortable, I came in to watch him during his treatments and found them intriguing instead of avoiding him and leaving him alone, hes not opposed to me being in the room but I was trying to be considerate. Well that also increased part of our sexual connection, me knowing whats going on, what hes doing, watching the process. I also started to communicate more about what I desire sexually, I like to be spanked, hair pulled, certain things and Ive said them before, but he didnt do them much, still is learning, but he now knows this is what I like. We have been watching the Amazon show Transparent,, we are on the last season, and that has touched on some of these things. Oh my goodness, the scene on season 4 with Sarah and her husband Linn in the bedroom, woooo!

I havent watched porn in over 10 yrs? I stayed away from it, I followed ex porn stars who became Christians, I repented and stopped. But now Ive watched again, its a conflicting feeling. Like part of me is saying Im inviting demon possession in and the other part of debates if thats true (when you are born again and attend deliverance services you would understand what Im talking about)

Faith teaching, God and all of that comes into the shame... but how much of it is truly God or mans interpretation of what God says. Such as can a married couple have anal sex? SOme quote the Bible where it says "The marriage bed is undefiled" and that anything is sacred as long as both couples are consenting, but then you have the other side saying "Sodomy is sin, no matter what" quoting those scriptures. So you know, I can spend hours on these topics and how they have shaped my life.

I know all these people who are "deconstructing christians' is a thing right now. I follow them online, and was put off by this as they just seemed to leave the faith and then be far left radicals, like they swung from one side to the other.

THen I watched Ear Biscuits on youtube, and the guys Rhett and Link both told their stories of their deconstructing, of their marriages, their wives, etc and I related so much to it all. And for the first time I "got" the deconstruction thing listening to them.

I got rid of all my secular music in high school, only listened to christian and christian concerts, limited what I viewed movies and tv wise. Didnt celebrate Halloween and the easter bunny and santa are pagan and not be celebrated, so many things...

Yet I was married to a man during all that time I was in the church who worked as a youth pastor but was so much different outside of church and a sexually compulsive deviant in many ways, narcissist, financially kept us in debt, spiritually, emotionally and sexually abusive. I mean when I really honestly look at our relationship. He groomed me. I was a virgin and naive and he pushed all my limits and consent, things I said No to, became a challenge to keep trying and wear me down over. I didnt realize how messed up some things were until we separated and Id talk online to guy and one day a guy said "You know thats not normal" and I had never heard that said before. I felt validated and like I had a revelation. Since he was my first partner I didnt have any outside experience to compare it too, and my gfs in church didnt say much about their sex lives.

So my husband grew up with his own situation, we all seem to have molestation in our lives, male, female and both. He had it by a female relative and in a restroom as a kid in private school by a grown man. Me by friends Uncle and a teen boy who lived next door to the friends also. Luckily in my case I escaped the scenarios before they escalated. I was scared, paniced and uncomfortable and had a drive to just get away and did in my case. But later to find out the youngest sister, my friends was molested on terrible level by both males (the one was her Uncle and snuck in her room when visiting) and the teen boy next door got her pants down and did oral before being caught.. He had pinned me down and was touching me and unzipped my pants, it was this game and he sat in the middle of his front yard and would catch us kids and tickle us, boys and girls. Well one day he caught me, and he got on top of me on the grass as all the other kids were running around screaming and laughing trying to taught him to catch them, and he put his hand between my legs and touched me agressively and I couldnt get loose, When I got out finally my zipper was down. I had no idea, nobody talked to be about these things, in the 70s and early 80s not as much education was out on this. I felt ashamed and didnt say a word and refused to play that game after, but I did sit on the wall and watch as all the other kids did. And i started to watch, when he caught the boys, he didnt pin them, he just tickled their sides and then tossed them away and the game continued, it was the girls he climbed on top of. I was sitting on the wall one day and he asked me to come play, I said no, the other kids were cheering for me to come play, I shook my head, Todd, was his name and he got up and ran after me, I ran so fast, terrified, into my friends backyard and slammed the gate with my back to it panting and in a panic state. And that was the last I was near him. I was scared of him. He did get caught by the neighbors for molesting their daughter later on but not sure what actions were taken by the parents.

And my husband and I both had exposure to porn, both of us as our sex education. Both young. So seeing how that shaped us both. I was more into scenes I saw, I didnt see much hardcore, more of cable tv late night movies, but what I did see that aroused me were women dominated, taken by men, I remember a car scene and a man taking a woman out, it was more in movie format, and him taking her out of the car at night on the street and bending her over the hood and having sex with her, it wasnt super graphic, but it was arousing, that was what I liked. My husband? Well it was women who were aggressive and came onto men. And lots of masterbation for yrs. So we have talked a lot about that, how its shaped out styles of approach with partners and really realizing that and trying to undo what Porn taught us and finding our own language.

So why have I viewed porn again? I fell down the rabbit hole and got curious, I have masterbated a few times watching, but mostly its to see things, things Ive never seen, sometimes to learn things, which is why I like the real amateur couple stuff, but Ive also watched some bdsm, bondage, gang bang, hot wife, spanking, you name it. Its not that I want to do everything I see, but its fascinating in some ways if that even makes sense. And I notice its a goto when I have free alone time, to explore whats out there. But I still feel shame and keep telling myself to stop. I gave my husband a hard time back over 10 yrs ago for seeing it on his computer and I have no idea if hes looked at porn since.

We told details about our first sexual experiences, in detail, how old, how we felt, what we learned, didnt like, etc

I learned more about him, more that I didnt have a sense for as my husband is very easy going, non judgemental, go with the flow, kinda just lets me set the tone for things often. But hes open minded, but yet also doesnt share any fantasy life with me, he just says "Sex" or things like that. Me? I can be elaborate and say many things. He does like knee high socks though, so I know that much! But I just feel like hes holding back or something.

We had so many awkward encounters prior to the move, over the past 5 or so yrs, some sad moments, things just got worse, and sex was such a touchy subject. When we did have sex it was good, I was always so happy to do it and had no problem orgasming nor did he, often I had to slow him down as it would be over so fast because of how little it was happening, but overall he just had so many fears and issues that he shot it down from happening most of the time. And I felt so rejected it made me give up trying much.

Ive apologized for things, they werent malicious or always even meant to hurt, most were just misunderstandings and coming from different head spaces, but I still want him to know Im sorry, and hes done things to do damage also. And its like we are now finally chipping all of that away, being comfortable, being naked, physically and emotionally, I mean I was to the point I didnt want him to look at me naked as I didnt feel good about myself with everything going on. Even though he kept telling me he found me attractive, but he didnt say that and with how things were going the actions didnt follow either.

And here we are, having more sex than we have in yrs. I still want him to do so many things to me, Ive shared that, hes done some, but Im waiting for more, wishing for more but I have to be patient, every step is progress right? I got several different vibrators, nipple clamps, flavored lube, some leg straps, I bought a bed restraint kit(that hasnt been tried out yet, waiting to put it on the new bed when it arrives) but hes not very dominant, but hes not submissive totally either? If that even makes sense. Hes also Aspie (aspergers) high functioning but I know that effects some of the ways he thinks and views things and can seem more detached. I mean for a time I just was starting to consider him asexual.

What he has told me prior to things improving was that he has NO DESIRE and that sex is a compulsion.... and statements like that, are hard to understand. But then I watched a video on how they are doing research and how they thought sex always stemmed out of desire and for therapy to help people, but now they are finding actions can cause the desire to follow even though the person may not have desire to start with, when that was shared with my husband he said that made total sense. So he is being more open now, and Im making it safe, for him to see if something can turn into desire and not getting mad or hurt if it doesnt, and to be honest, it typically results in sex everytime when we just let it flow with no expectations, we can have sex, or not, or we can just play or sometimes maybe only 1 of us will orgasm and that is okay.

So I wonder whats going to happen when he starts testosterone, will it be different this time, will his desire increase and match mine? I have no clue. Im still overall the instigator and pursuer of such things, so flipping the script will be different, good but will make a power balance shift if so also, which will take some adjusting too.

So yeah, we want to be healthy, energetic, in shape, have a great sex life. We are in a good place financially, love where we live and left the rat race and big city, hes hoping to retire in 5 yrs. So what kind of life to do we want, kids are grown and on their own and have been for yrs, its just us.

And thats another thing, we are really alone with one another since moving, no friends, no family. Only my oldest sister has come to see us.

My husband and i lost our parents, grandparents, pets, you name it over the last 10 yrs, and it was one yr gaps between several and that was a lot for us both to go through, back to back. I was close to my Mom and that was traumatic and unexpected. He had made amends with his mom the last few yrs of his life and was helping her out, she has lot a huge amount of weight and was going to the gym at age 70, he also helped her clean out her hoarded home.

I have siblings, he has 1(a trainwreck and abusive person that he doesnt have much to do with)

My family? Well Im finding since the death of Mom, its like I dont exsist. Im the baby of the family, my brother has been here several times, out of state to where we now live on hunting trips, literally an hour and a half from me and none of the trips tried to visit, call me, etc. ANd Ive even told him Id drive to where he is as its not that far. At this point Ive given up trying to see them all. Ive made the effort, Ive made the long drives to all their homes and traveled 7-9 hrs. Meanwhile they cant ever do the same? I dont get it. So Ive had to just let it go. I havent seen my brother or middle sis in about 5-6 yrs? And it was because I went to see them and went to where they were. Im not that far away and both come to this state as my Dad had a place here and its a family place for us now, its 2 hrs from me, so Im not far away. Only my big sis, even my kids havent been here. So what can you do? We saw my oldest at christmas stopped in my hometown after the ocean vacation. My youngest has been across the US and in and out of jail, so its been jail calls with him, hes out now, but we dont trust him (drugs and alcohol) so its not like we want to have him over either.

So as I said, its just us, the kids are from my first marriage, he never had any, we never had any together, we decided against it after all I went through in my first marriage and ex situation. And he came into my life and was there during the awful teen yrs with them and knows how hard it was.

So for the first time we are truly alone, no family to get together with on holidays last several yrs, its just the 2 of us, its been emotional and hard, we used to go to his Moms, grandmas, my parents, we had my kids, etc. ANd now we are alone and empty nesters. So last yr we got creative and had to snap out of the funk of the past and how things used to be and redefine them, so we went to the ocean for a month over the holidays, and that was our gift to ourselves. We have made our own THanksgiving meals and sat together and we have sat in 12 step groups for support and to hear about others in similar situations. It helps.

And thats us in the here and now