I Hate Middle School
I don't really know how to properly start this entry so I'm just not going to. I was walking in the halls today with Olivia and Vinny when I noticed something odd. Vinny tends to walk off when we're not specifically talking to him. I want to act like I don't know but honestly, I do the exact same thing. If it's anything like what I do then I know what's up. I don't want to say I know for sure but if my suspicions are correct then I know how to fix it. Just talk to him, keep him engaged and make sure he knows we want him in the conversation. I'd like to think he's just going to meet his other friends but when they say hi he just says hi back, barely even acknowledging them, and continues speed walking away. Once again, I don't know if this is for sure but if it is then I'll do anything to help. I know how horrible it feels to be in that morning funk and think your friends don't want to talk to you. It's pretty bad.
Another thing that happened today was in the halls, walking from coding to our other classes Olivia told me she had something to say about the "concerning human". We had to separate there though so she said she'd e-mail me about it as soon as she could. The wait was only like a half hour but still, that felt like the longest half-hour ever. I probably refreshed my inbox at least 20 times in math. The e-mail said this,
"Hey so something that the confusing human did was he said he is aroace which I had no clue what it means and now I kinda know but I still don't understand completely. I don't know who he wants to know about it so meh. People are complicated. Also on a similar subject- is there a term for bi people who still like both but slightly prefer one gender over the other?"
I explained what aroace meant and told her that it's just called bisexual with a preference but did you catch the interesting bit? Vinny told Olivia he was aroace. I'd believe him normally but isn't he literally dating Athena? I guess he doesn't know that I know about either though so he probably thinks he's being all slick. Poor Athena has to deal with his bs. I feel bad for him, I don't know why he keeps hiding stuff, but he has to have a reason right? I don't think he gets this but it's all going to catch up to him soon. I'd like to confront him about all this but I have no clue how to go about it. I think I have a plan but it's all leaning on what he says. So, if he tells me that he's aroace I'll just act confused. Like I didn't know. Then, if we're in public, I'll vaguely hint that I know about Athena and he'll be forced to explain eventually. Probably over text that night cause we don't have any classes where we sit together. If we're alone somehow then I'll just flat out ask him right then and there. It sounds not dramatic, plausible, and unavoidable on his part, as long as he 'admits' he's aroace it'll all go relatively to plan. I just wish he actually trusted me TUT. Even if I do get him to explain everything though, he might still not trust me. I mean, he didn't trust me with Olivia or Athena so maybe if I tell him that I secretly knew all along he'll just try harder to keep secrets. That's the opposite of what I want!
So, its after lunch now and I asked Vinny about it. While we were walking back from lunch I asked him, if he's not pan then what is he. He was hesitant and said he wasn't really sure but if he had to chose, aroace. I kind of regret this, kind of not, but I asked him about Athena. Olivia was lagging behind but still by us so I tried to be discreet. I just mumbled something close to "I thought- Athena- " and did a wavy point thing with my hands. I think he was a bit confused but he barely skipped a beat telling me that he still wants to be in a relationship. He said that he just doesn't feel a lot of attraction to anyone and I said that I understood now. Wyatt was interrupting the conversation a ton so that kind of sucked but Vinny explained that he was just listening to love songs and noticed that he didn't really feel that way towards anyone. Looking back on it I definitely should have told him that I don't really feel like that towards anyone either but it didn't really come to mind. I also could have said something about love songs being dramatic but whatever. I said alright, were only in 7th grade so we have forever to figure it out anyway, and left to go get my stuff. It was a nice conversation but I really wish my brain worked quicker. Nothing I do is ever good enough, if I just knew what I wanted/needed to say in the moment then maybe it wouldn't be as bad.
I think after class I should probably explain that Athena told me and that I just didn't tell him because I didn't want to invade his privacy. So much for that though, I guess. Good going me, you fucked it up again. Now it's past after class and I couldn't explain it to Vinny cause Olivia waited instead of going without him. I just really smoothly (Im being super sarcastic when I said "really smoothly") told him that I'd text him after school. I'm such an idiot, he probably thinks I'm so dramatic. How do I even have any friends? Seriously? I'm such a bipolar asshole to everyone I meet. I push them past their limits and just laugh about it cause I'm too embarrassed to apologize. These poor kids should get a medal for just putting up with me. Jeez.
It’s after school now and I don’t know what to do. I know I already told Vinny that I’d text him and I know I should clarify how I knew about him and Athena but I can’t help feeling that it’s better if I just leave it. I really hate emotions. They come and go at the worst times. I’m forcing myself to text him anyway so wish me luck OMO (even though by the time you’re reading this he’s probably already responded.
Alright, it's later in the day and I apologised to Vinny. After describing what we said I think I'm gunna take a break from being all emotional. Haha jk I love being emotional. But really, after this, as long as nothing else happens I don't think I'll be stressing myself out any more than I already do. I don't know if this makes any sense to whoever's reading this but it makes sense to me. Any time I start to overthink I'm just going to take some deep breaths and stop. Obviously it's not that simple but I think I deserve (or at least want) some time to relax. I mean, I was just at kalihari but honestly the entire time I was super stressed. I just need to stop. About Vinny though, here's how it went,
Me: Hey, Vinny
Vinny: You wanted to ask something?
Me: Sorry, I was at my neighbors
Me: But yeah. Not really ask you anything, I just realized that you probably didn’t know I knew about you and Athena unless she told you so I figured I’d apologize.
Me: I’m not entirely sure what I’m apologizing for but I just didn’t say anything till now since I figured I wasn’t really supposed to know and now I feel bad TUT
Vinny: No it’s okay
Vinny: I don’t mind
Me: Alright, I would have told you in person but I didn’t know if Olivia knew
Vinny: I don’t think she knows
Me: Okay, I won’t say anything
Vinny: I could prob tell her tho
Me: I just didn’t want to say anything if it was like, a secret or something 0.o
Then he promptly changed the subject to strawberries O-O. I give up. This whole time I was overreacting and it’s not even that big of a deal. I made a mountain out of a mole hill and- oh god I hate that saying. Idk why, it just rubs me the wrong way. But anyway, I’ll probably overreact to it again but for the near future I’m going to try and keep a clear mind. No more wanting him to trust me, no more wanting him to tell me, and no more other drama. Just friends being friends. Talking when they need to, when it’s natural, there’s no forcing it.
God, I even made me promising not to be emotional emotional. I need to… I don’t even know. Take a chill pill or eight. I’m gunna go for now, maybe take some deep breaths lol. Buh bye!