Slowly descending into madness
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2022-03-23 10:59:11 (UTC)


He said he doesn’t want to be with me. Only wants to stay friends.

These days you see, I don’t even get hurt. I feel numb. I really wish I felt something, anything at all. But I can't feel anything.

I knew this was going to happen. God really sent a few people to rip my heart apart. He's one of them. But like I said, I saw it coming. And nothing hurts me anymore. It just intensifies my will to die, to vanish into oblivion.

I was never worthy of anyone's love. X's fling, Y's rebound, Z's one step to I want to be with you and 3 steps back into friendzone. And God, I'm so tired of it. I'm so tired because these people find me to play with. My problem with this particular person is, he didn’t have to put up a whole act called "I want to get serious with you, I want to be with you". I was already taking mental preparation to leave the country then these lines changed everything for me, I was planning on staying here, told my parents I want to get married and stay here. He cannot do this to me, he has no authority to do this to me just because he's unsure of being with me.

I know what's coming for me next. And I have decided to endure. Whatever fate has in it for me, I can take it. If I can't, I'll shove myself under a running bus. Fucking hell.

I really don’t give a fuck anymore. I just feel awfully numb. I just want to sleep the whole day.

This entry was written in a very normal state of mind. I like the fact that I'm thinking clearly.