Evolving marriage
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2022-03-23 01:04:55 (UTC)

Life Update

Dear Diary,
A little break from my life story Im sharing to write about here and now.

We bought a bed! A new bed! We have to wait for it to be delivered, maybe this friday or the next, have to wait, we live an hour and a half away from the mattress place, we were just happy they will deliver here. We invested in a NICE bed, and we also got the adjustable frame that sits underneath and has the remote to adjust your sides. We tried all the beds out and this one felt so good! Our current bed is sinking in, husband is much larger then me and I have noticed things last me far longer but his weight is hard on things, our new couch also. I had to put boards under the cushions as it was sinking in too much and its only about a yr and a half (the new couch) It will be like heaven once that bed arrives. Its a Sealy. And our first big investment as far as a bed goes.

We also put down our deposit for a new vehicle. Our first one also! We have always driven used cars, hand me downs from family, etc. So we have never had car payments. We are investing in our forever, fun, retirement car. For 4 wheeling, trips, etc, Its a Toyota 4Runner, its supposed to be about 20 days, with the way things are now, there arent many new cars on the lots, lots of used, and the 1 new they had I hated the color. So we shall see, Im not counting on the 20 days, because I have heard so much from others about how long things are taking, but we can hope right! We dont even have cars with backup cameras, never have, and wow it has seat warmers? We are going to be so spoiled when it arrives!

We are hoping to start work on the house again in April, we have had the money set aside for 2 yrs now but finding people to do the work has been the problem. So we are literally sitting on $$ waiting to spend it on home improvements we budgeted for when we bought this house. I have spoken to a guy to build a carport/gazebo, large area in the driveway, for parking under but also can be used for entertaining, etc. He said he could do it in April, we shall see if he comes through. I also called our electrician, he said April also, he re wired the entire place for us last yr and did a fantastic job, now we have some new fixtures and various things to do as we get stuff done around here. Still waiting on the company who did our fence to come finish the job, they keep telling me they are coming (3 times now) and never show up or call with an update. I end up calling them again asking whats up, get another message they are sorry, and then saying when they will come and not showing up.

Anyways, enough of that stuff

What Im heading towards is life right now. Here I am through the first half of my life and it seems my husband and I are having an "awakening" of sorts. This is not my first husband, but my second, we have been together almost 20 yrs now. I love him. Several things happened over the last few yrs, I really was trying to decide if we were going to stay together, it wasnt because I didnt love him, its because he was "stuck" and I was frustrated and no progress. Our sex life was pretty dead, I was the one with the desire and the talks about it were angry, emotional, and just felt like they were going nowhere over and over. I didnt like where I was living, and had a place I wanted to be, we go there every yr, so what did I do? I kept looking for a rental of my own. While on a vacation trip out there the 2 of us, I snuck off and went to look at a studio, and got a call before I even got back to the vacation rental that they were offering me the Studio! I paid them the deposit on my trip.

I knew this could go very badly, telling my husband I found myself a place here, he knew its where I wanted to be, Ive talked about it for yrs, I had the funds to do so and I kept thinking "If things dont work out between us, where is it I want to live, what kind of life do I want" and that was what I envisioned. He wasnt happy about it but supported me, but all the sudden became super interested in looking at real estate and for us to move there (by the ocean) This became my getaway, I would go every 2-3 mos and stay for 2-4 wks.

I ended up attending Al Anon, Coda and Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings and LOVED them. I had never been, I cried at my first meeting and the light bulb went off at the first one I went to, "I DONT HAVE TO MANAGE MY HUSBAND" it wasnt my job! Really??? This was like a revelation to me. When you grow up in an alcoholic home, with a bunch of unwritten rules and you are a people pleaser, its a recipe for trouble. I managed my kids, I managed my husband, I kept everyone in line, I did everything and thought of everyone first at the sake of myself.

So attending meetings gave me a whole new outlook, viewpoint, support, I LOVED MEETINGS. I went to as many as I could and there were so many to go to there. I loved the people, seeing them out, became friends, walks on the beach, cafes, coffee shops to talk, books to read. And well, when I apologized to my husband on one of my trips one night by telephone "Im sorry I have been managing you, that isnt my job" he replied "Thats okay, I need it sometimes" HA! And then he said "Your reminding me of everything I had learned" turned out he was in Alateen and so the lingo, jargon, nothing was weird to him, he wasnt against me going, he was supportive, and he came to meetings when he visited me at the studio and we attended them back home where we lived when I was back there.

Im typically away from home often, every 2 mos or so, Out of state, visiting family, used to always go to my Moms until she passed away. I was there all the time and would stay 2 wks. She was a days drive away. I needed that away time, to get away from my husbands depressive angry energy, when Id go elsewhere and see friends, family, I would get so encouraged, built up, smiles, hugs, laughs, and my heart would be full. My husband is kind of a 1 man show, no family really, no close friends, hes an introvert, he would go to work and come home, eat, computer, sleep. Our one thing we enjoyed together was Food, restaurants. But not much else. He was home all the time, I wanted him to go away, take a trip, travel, give me a break so I could get stuff done without his dark cloud energy around.

Ill delve back into all this stuff later.....

Well we ended up buying another house elsewhere, he quit his job and had another one lined up and 2 wks between jobs and made the move and the moving trucks. I still had my studio but then the pandemic hit. I decided to let the studio go, as much as I loved it and gave my notice about 5 mos into the lock down. And moved everything to the new home. Now husband was a full time at home remote worker, so I didnt even have days for him to be gone, the house was my domain during the work day, but not anymore, hes around, talking on phones loud, in and out of the room, interrupting me and not getting he needs to make some space(like shut a door to his room he is working in)

The lack of sex issue was his, low Testosterone and I believe past sexual traumas, depression, poor self image. He is hard on himself, critical and attempts to improve things were so difficult, he would push me away and withdraw and in turn I was feeling rejected and undesireable, unattractive to him. Even though he told me that wasnt the case. It didnt matter, its how it felt. Its part of the reason I thought of leaving because I couldnt imagine the rest of my life being like this, I was still desiring a sex life and I was asking myself "Can I accept this for the rest of my life?" and the answer was No.

I think I had so much stuff going on with the move, the new place, trips out of state, family trips and work to do on old property, that I didnt focus as much on if Im staying or going. I was just trying to enjoy life and with the pandemic, everything was different, everything you once thought or did, went on hold, it changed, etc

Last yr I got my physical, lab work, my pap exam, etc

And discovered several things. I had low Progesterone and testosterone, I knew I was peri menopausal, it started 2 yrs prior, night sweats, but my periods had been super heavy and bleeding between my periods. When we had sex, I would bleed after as if my period started again for a few days. My energy was low, I was dragging getting out of bed in the ams, my legs ached a lot. I wasnt happy with my weight and I at least always tried to maintain some type of walking for miles, especially at the ocean studio, I walked so much. I did a workout when I was there in the ams, I went and got massages, ate fresh food from the farmers market, walked barefoot on the sand and in the water.

I was anemic, I had a polyp which the dr removed, its what caused the bleeding from sex! And then I was told I could get on progesterone for the hot flashes and heavy periods and some testosterone to "Put some gas in my tank" as she put it.

Gradually I got all these things taken care of, got on Bio Identical hormones last Aug and life went on, the one thing I noticed was my periods normalized and werent crazy heavy and that was a miracle itself! After 2 mos on the hormones the dr asked how I was doing, checking for any side effects, negative things and all I said was I was bloated all the time. She asked "What about your libido?" I said "Eh? Its I can take it or leave as far as sex goes" I mean with things at home being dead on his end, why would I want my libido increased, Id be further frustrated and I was scared to see that happen and make the chasm between us more of a reality.

She said "Up your Testosterone cream application to twice a day, I said okay, I did that for about 3 days, and WOAH.

I was after my husband, I pushed past the fear or rejection and approached him, he obliged.

I was thinking of sex, I wanted to have sex every day, more then once, I was wanting lingerie (I had not bought any lingerie in yrs, no reason to wear it!) I hadnt really bought sexy underwear anymore. I didnt take as much pride in my appearance, all the sudden Im digging my tight tops out of the closet, I was wanting to look good, doing my hair and makeup on the days when Im just here at home all day (when typically I didnt and Id be in comfy frumpy comfortable clothes) I painted my nails. I bought sex toys, as husband and I spoke about this, if he couldnt take care of me himself, what about toys? He said that would be fine, he started a treatment himself and was taking supplements for his sexual issues.

I had to taper down the testosterone cream to half the original dosage, no more twice a day, it was too much, I was thinking about sex so much I couldnt focus on anything else.

We had a trip booked to the town by the ocean where my studio was, I booked it way in advance, as the deal he told me was if I got rid of the studio, we could go back once a yr and stay a month, so I held him to it. We went, he worked one wk of it remote while there, then was free, it rained a lot, so we couldnt get outdoors and do much, BUT, something happened, we didnt have a set schedule, we didnt have distractions like we did at home, we had free time to sleep in, eat out, but we were together A LOT, and I had a high libido, and we started to have sex almost daily (as opposed to once or twice a month) It was almost like a honeymoon, a time of rebonding,

Then we came back home, it was such a good trip for us. We really got close and he was off work for 2 wks, and hes always wrapped up and fixated with work, he changed jobs also as there was too much stress with the last company, and so his mood was better.

I bought lingerie, walked out in fishnets and cute things, and he was interested, I began listening to Esther Perel on youtube on marriage and played for husband and we learned a lot from her, shifted some focus and ways of viewing things.

But something happened around this time, I wanted to give my husband a blow job, okay okay, listen its not that I never did, but I wasnt all that into it, didnt get it, had past trauma from my ex, and so it wasnt something he asked for or we talked about, but I knew he couldnt always have sex the way it was going, it was a lot for him but he was trying to keep up with me, and I just wanted him to relax and enjoy, I was craving giving a blow job, having him in my mouth. What is this desire? How did I make it through half my life and not feel like this, even at the beginning of our relationship when our sex life was good, blow jobs werent a focus of it or really a thing or talked about much.

I also felt un experienced and also had to work past the trauma, plus I have tmj.

But I wanted it, I wanted him, I wanted to please him, so one night in bed I just put my face in the covers and put him in my mouth, he didnt stop me, and I was eager and interested. I had bought flavored lube so I wouldnt gag as that was part of the trauma, taste, and some things my ex did. My ex was never about consent, he was about pushing limits, wearing me down, not talking to me about what I want, like or desire, just what he wanted. My new husband knew this and was respectful not to push such things, hes a very go with the flow low key guy.

I was aroused giving him a blow job, I was hungry for it, I wanted him, I wanted to make love to his penis with my mouth. It aroused him greatly and turned into us having sex.

He kept telling me hes not a blow job guy, he doesnt fetishize it, but I didnt care, I was going to make sure that man had more blow jobs.

I read up on how to give a good blow job, I mean who teaches you this? Nobody taught me, ANd I watched porn videos on it. Amateur couples, real couples, not the scripted porn. I watched, took mental notes and wanted to try.

I am not into swallowing, the taste and consistancy are not my thing and the gag reflex (I was a picky eater growing up and still have aversions to textures of things) Im also highly sensitive to smell, so if you havent showered I can smell anything.

I communicated these things, we were having sex convos, convos we didnt have, uncomfortable convos, awkward, fumbling, shy, embarrassed, but we still had them. I asked questions, I wanted feedback, and once again I went down on him, I went down on him several times over several wks, I spent a lot of time, him in my mouth,and one day he said he was going to cum and I kept going, I didnt pull off. I felt it, it was warm, but yes the gag hit, and I wasnt fond of the taste exactly, but I held on, I held my mouth close and him inside me and in my mouth, yes I spit most of it into a towel afterwards but I did swallow some, and I was determined, its been about 3 times since and I have stayed on, held him in my mouth, I has swallowed some, and spit some in a towel, but then put him back in my mouth and cleaned him off, not sure if he knows I spit some out but Im working up to it, I dont mind cleaning off his cock, licking the rest off, and I wipe him off, clean him with a towel and kiss him, I tell him Im sorry that I havent done this, I tell him how I crave it now and Im eager for it, I tell him to ask me if he wants it, or text me while working (he has yet to do it) but he has said how he appreciates me doing this, but I think he has a hard time just laying back and letting me pleasure him without anything in return, even though his libido is low, hes always been about the woman finishing first, and Im trying to tell him, Im okay I dont need it, sometimes i just want him. Sometimes we are laying there in bed, and I think of his cock, and my mouth opens, and Im almost quivering at my lips. I want him.

We sometimes just have oral play and then he says he wants to be inside of me and we progress to there, but I find oral helps make him hard which is something he has struggled with maintaining, so its like a boost to head into love making.

We have been averaging sex about 5-6 times a wk, I would love a bunch more, but I have to pace myself and not overwhelm him. I have masterbated daily, Ive had days of doing it 3 times. Hes working in the office next to our bedroom, I lay in bed in the eve and the am just wishing hed make love to me, but he has a job to get to and and I cant expect more then he can handle. So I often take care of myself instead but its still not the same, I want him more then a toy. But it will do for now.

I have always liked things like hair pulling, spanking, but was ashamed to express it, my ex was into all kinds of kink, so I think my hubby was trying to spare me from the trauma of my past, but it wasnt all bad, it was still part of me, I like to be dominated, I like to be spanked, hair pulled, sexy tak, edged, teased, my nipples teased and nibbled, sometimes harder and pulled. I miss rubbing against him fully clothed, I can orgasm just from grinding on him. But I just never felt he was into any of this, so many times of being rejected, told hes tired, told hes broken, and all manner of excuses. So why would I express these parts of myself to him, that requires trust, vulnerability, open communication

But we began to have long talks, we talked about all our past sexual partners, when we first learned about sex and how, how we masterbated when alone, what we did with our past partners, what we learned, good and bad, I loved these talks. I dont drink much, I dont like to be out of control, and Im more of a wine or fruity drink person, one drink, on rare occassion 2, and I feel my fingers tingle or Im spinning but husband never seemed to engage me, I never got to enjoy those drinks with him and come onto him, he seemed to turn me away so it wasnt very fun. But we made a romantic dinner at home, pasta, break, mozzarella and red wine. And I drank glasses of it, he began to put them for me, and I had fun, we sat at the table, talking long talks, laughing, I was buzzed but the happy type. He went to the couch for us to watch a movie, I got some fancy chocolate I had and desert wine we had from a winery we visited long ago during an anniv trip.

When I went in the kitchen, I drank more, I wanted to be tipsy and floating, I wanted to be free and forget the world, uninhibited with my husband, so I took some swigs each time I got up to do something, he had no idea, I fed him chocolate on the couch and we sipped the dessert wine, I wanted him and that night he masterbated me on the couch with a vibrating massager. It started awkward, he didnt seem into it, I asked him to do it, and it just felt like a emotionless robot, I almost gave up and wanted to cry, but I hung in there, and he did also, he held it against me and edged and teased me until I orgasmed, laid over him on the couch, and I loved it! Really really loved it. We did this on the couch in the living room, first time! We have lived here 2 yrs and only had sex in the bed in our room. I want to have sex in every room, and on tables, and fool around in the car, shower, garage, workout equipment, basement, you name it, I want it. I just keep a lot in as I feel all this at once will be too much for him, so one thing at a time, but its progress right?

My eyes are getting heavy and blurred typing this, so Ill have to finish this later, but on a side note, tonight was the first time he texted me, (He had to work overtime) and was in the office door shut, I was in the living room on the comptuer doing my own thing watching tv, no sex in mind and I get a text "Come to the bedroom" and you know what my first thought was? Hes mad at me and wants to have a talk! Because he doesnt text me seductive or sexually, and ever since Ive had an increase in libido, Im still pretty much the initiator. I have told him how much I want to feel wanted and him to come after me. So I got up, thinking he wants to talk to me about something, and a slight possibility it could be sexual. I went in and he had his pants down and was erect lying on the bed, I said "What are you doing?" He said "I was thinking about what you said this am" (this am I got up, did my workout at home and near the end texted him "Do you want to F me after my workout" He said "I can do that, and skipped for his lunch break and we had sex around noon. Mind you,, more then once in a day is a lot for him. But here he sent me a text to come to him and he was ready for me, he never does this, I giggled so much undressing, I liked this, but I was speechless and didnt know what to do, usually I play all this out and now he was in charge. So needless to say, we had sex again and he was so wiped out after we cuddled and talked, he decided to go to bed.

So hes happily exhausted and sleeping.

A thing of note, into the sex, I started to cry. Not a bad cry and I told him why, that it felt so good to feel wanted, that I wasnt pursuing him, but that he thought of me and asked me to come to him and was ready for me. He spent more time, didnt go too fast, which was another thing since sex used to be so sporadic he was so sensitive when we did do it he couldnt last long.

So I cried and told him how I loved this and loved him and how good it felt.

So Im on the couch as he was in bed before 9pm and here I am writing in my diary, remembering these moments.

Ive got my grove back, I didnt even realize my libido was pretty low because my situation was so bleak before. I lost my sexually expressive side too, I had to to cope with the situation.

My husband and I had sex twice today, and Im a happier wife because of it, I love him so much