Gentleman ♀
I Hate Middle School
𝘔𝘺 Peace Of Mind
Hello,
I did what I said I was going to do. I still don’t know how to feel, but I guess that’s normal at this point. Before we get to that though, a recap of Kalihari. Ignoring how mom found out about my sh stuff (I HATE even thinking about it), it was pretty fun. We went on some waterslides like the Rippling Rhino and Victoria Falls but I didn’t go on any scary ones cause I wasn’t really in the mood the entire trip. The arcade was pretty fun too. There was this clown game which was fun and this one little claw machine that I’m in love with. At first I played it as a joke but once I realized there was a way to cheat it, I was addicted. It was a play with win game filled with little rubber duck like things. They were animals with wings and a unicorn horn. The trick was to reach your hand in the prize slot and block the prize from triggering the sensor therefore not detecting you won anything and letting you play again. We probably have like 20 alicorn animal things now. They make me so happy though.
There’s also this wave pool thing there which is pretty fun on its own but my favorite part is the noise canceling qualities it has. The entire pool is filled with screaming little kids as well as loud waves and water. So when I went underwater I could scream whatever I wanted, as loud as I wanted, and nobody could hear except for me. I yelled at my mom and at Vinny and Olivia and Athena and myself. And sometimes I just screamed. As hard as I could, till my voice hurt and then some. Not enough to make me lose my voice silence we had to leave but enough to make me feel a bit better. At least I don’t want to scream into a pillow anymore, right? Speaking of pillows, they had this build a bear sort of thing there and my mom let me and Hailey each get one if we wanted to. At first I was hesitant since they were like $30 each and I felt bad but they had this big dragon that looked EXACTLY like the stuffed animal my mom got for me before I was born. It was the same color, pattern (shape), and similar material. My little ones name is Luna and I named this one Puffy The Stuffy Dragon as a joke but it stuck. Only later did I realize that you can abbreviate it to PTSD. Still kinda funny though, not that PTSD is funny of course. I love him though, he’s big and kinda overstuffed, perfect!
About the thing I said yesterday though, I said I was going to text him straight to the point and ask him about him and Olivia. Finally, that’s exactly what I did. I’ll copy and paste it down here. Mind you, the first text from me and the second are 20 minutes apart so that’s why it seems like I’m brushing him off that quickly.
Me: Hey, Vinny? Are you doing anything rn?
Me: I’m gunna take that as a yes
Vinny: What do ya want
Me: Idk, I know it’s been like two weeks or something (I’m too lazy to check) but I was wondering if I could ask you a question about you and Olivia?
Vinny: Sure
Vinny: Btw u still at kalahari
Me: Nope, I just got home a few minutes ago
Vinny: Cool
Me: Anyway, I was just wondering why you guys didn’t tell me till you ended it
Me: I mean I guess it wasn’t really any of my business but we hang out like, every day so I guess I just figured you would have told me
Vinny: Idk
Vinny: I guess it was bc we thought people would be like “haha imagine” and be rude
Me: I mean, I know I’m not the nicest person in the world but I wouldn’t be mean about it
Vinny: Nah not you but some people
Me: I guess that makes sense
Me: Sorry if that was weird, I just had to ask for my own peace of mind 😅
Vinny: Yeah no it’s good
Me: Alright, I’ve gotta go take a shower cause chlorine and all that
Me: I’ll see ya at school tomorrow :)
Vinny: Ok bye
So yeah, just kind of a nice short conversation. Nothing too dramatic, it didn’t end weird, and I got my answer. Kind of. I’m not sure what I was expecting but I don’t think he told me the truth. I know I’m making this harder then it has to be but there’s no way he didn’t tell me just because someone else might say something. Plus, he told Athenas friends about their new relationship so I see no problem with him telling me this time. I totally would have made him feel guilty about it too but that’s probably blow my cover and I care too much to do that. He’s probably stressed out anyway, he doesn’t need me bugging him about it.
I guess it just hurts because it’s not my business. Why do I need to know about his relationships? I don’t! And that’s why it hurts so bad. I know he’s my best friend and it would be normal if he told me but even if he abnormally didn’t tell me, I have zero business knowing or caring. There is no way to justify wanting to know as bad as I do. My heart hurts so bad but there’s no chance it’s getting fixed anytime soon.
Fuck my life, really. Everything I do just makes things worse. I just make everybody stressed out and miserable. My mom even said so today. Apparently, me taking a half hour in the shower causes everyone to fight. I want to say that it’s bs but really, it’s not. I just stress everyone out and do nothing to fix it. Im so selfish, I do everything for my own price of mind, bit theirs. My whole life is a walking catastrophe and it’s contagious. I hope your day goes better than mine. Thank you for reading! Goodnight!
~ Gentleman