Gentleman ♀

Haileys' Birthday And Getting Found Out

Hi,

So, first off, it's Haileys birthday today. Well, I guess it was yesterday but you get the point. For her birthday we went to Kalahari resort and stayed the night. That's where I am right now. My whole family's asleep and I'm in the bathroom so they don't hear me lol. I don't know exactly what she got for her birthday but I know I'm kinda jealous. She got a scooter thing which is cool and some other stuff but my mom also got her four fnaf plushes. I know how petty it is but those things are expensive and she literally got her the plush that I've been asking her to get me for months! I asked her for months, Hailey didn't ask at all! But whatever, there's nothing I can do about it now. For my next birthday though~ that $200 60" foxy plush is as good as mine >:D ! I know it sounds crazy but if my parents can afford an electric scooter, four fnaf plushes (like $20-$50 each), a stay at a hotel, and all the rest of her gifts and other parties then they can get me that huge foxy plush. After that, I can die, dude. My life will be complete! I will fall asleep in the arms of my giant foxy plush and never wake up~ jkjk, knowing the fnaf franchise, there's a better chance that I wake up than if I don't lol. I'm as good as dead, but never quite unconscious. God, I love that franchise. (Probably more than I should O .O)

Straying from my foxy rant, about the "Getting Found Out" part of the title. I don't really like to talk about it becasue I don't think it's a big deal but sometimes, I cut my shoulders. Nothing serious, just like, 2/3 an inch long cuts with an eyebrow razor. Not even that deep, just enough to scar I guess. I don't even do it that often either! Just like 2-3 cuts every couple weeks if I feel like it. Anyways, my idiot self forgot that we're going to Kalihari today which meant I cut just less than a week before (because of the stress of VINNY being a lying little shit but whatever) (I'm not blaming him btw I'm just mad) leaving a fresh scar for everyone to see. I had my mom convinced that they were cat scratched too and if it'd just healed faster or I didn't do it in the first place I wouldn't be where I am now! No joke, not more than 5 hours after she saw the scratch did she figure everything out. She found out I was cutting, she found out how I did it, and she found out how to stop me. I won't say that I'm completely mad but I'm definitely not happy. Why does she care if I do it? It's no different than some 5 year old scraping their knee on the concrete every few weeks. It's not like I want to or am trying to kill myself! Whatever, I guess that's the end of that. Although my parents are idiots so I could probably sneak a razor or Exacto knife or something into my room. It's gunna suck talking about it with her though. And she's gunna tell my dad and my grandma and my aunt who's gunna tell my cousin (Emma) and then she's gunna tell everyone else. This sounds so dramatic, it's not even that big of a deal. OMG and that new counselor I have to see! Ough! I hate thisssssssss. I'm so dumb.

Dude, outside rn I can hear both my parents' alarms blasting over each other. It's been like this for like 10 minutes and only one's shut off just now. Nobody's even woken up. It's 5 AM! My entire household is a disgrace and if I weren't such a whimp I'd want to be dead. (Still not gunna happen though!)

Speaking of disgraces and wanting to be dead (lol, that transition though), Vinny, yay. I don't even know what to write anymore, my mind's gone dry. Or at least I've ran out of thoughts on the whole situation. Really quick, if you don't know about "the whole situation" then go read my entry about the nice person on discord. You don't have to but that'll sum it up alright. Back to the rant, ummmmmm, I don't know. I'm just still stressed out! I think about it 24/7, all day. If he knew how much he stressed me out his mind would be blown. He's definitely the insecure type and to know that I care that much, he wouldn't be able to comprehend another damn thing for weeks. Obviously, I want to show him how much I care and all that but how do I do that? I've thought about telling him in person but we don't really get any time alone together so that's out of the question. Can't really make time either cause that might be weird to him. A letter is out for obvious reasons and I can't text him because apparently, his mom checks his texts. I personally don't completely believe that since he says some mild cuss words and is open to Olivia but at the same time what if he's just open with his mom and she doesn't care about those words?... Actually, I take that back. New plan, tonight after school (because he's gunna be at school while I'm at Kalihari) I'll text him. No random nonsense before it, just a straight to the point "can I ask you a question about you and Olivia?". That way there's no major mood switch, I don't have to look him in the eyes and feel how nervous or angry or pitying he is, and he has time to think about it. Everyone's more open over text. Or at least he is. He's an outgoing yet secretly nervous wreck IRL but over text where we can't see eachother the mask comes off with a little help.

Obviously, I know he already has Olivia to be there for him but if I can't be his number one I can at least be the backup. Don't get me wrong, I feel so strongly, the need for him to open up to me completely, but at this point all I want to hear is something not fake. Something without a filter. No more cheesy jokes, no more bad meme references, and no more lies. Just something real. The rest of my plan should be pretty good, text him and make sure he can talk. If not, have him text me when he can. Ask him why he and Olivia didn't tell me about their relationship. And hopefully, he spills. It's practically foolproof! If that little shit brushes it off I'm gunna smack him. He'd totally do it too. He'd be like "idk we just didn't think about it" then send me an among us meme or something... God, when did my view of him get so shitty? I really need to get over this whole thing, it's been like... wow only a week or two? Damn. But still, I really need to get out of my head. I don't think I'll be able to stand if my view of him gets any worse. In a platonic way obviously, I love this kid with all my heart and it's just falling to pieces at my feet. I don't know how many more lies I can take before I just cry the next time I see him. And I DO NOT cry. Riley's seen me almost every day since kindergarten and not even she's seen my cry. If I break down in the middle of school from just thinking about him my life is going to be over.

I'm so selfish. It's his life, his relationship, his decision. Maybe I'm just overreacting. Teenage hormones and whatnot. I mean, my whole thing is 'if you feel it then it's real' but that's what I say to help mentally ill people on the internet, not rationalize how much of an asshole I am. They deserve to feel better and just, feel at all. I don't. Maybe I shouldn't text him. No. Now I'm doubting myself. I need to break the cycle, at least for tonight. I can feel guilty after he brushes me off but for now, I'll go insane if I have no hope. This is ridiculous, I recognize that, but if I'm ever gunna get over it you have to bear with me.

I'm sorry you had to read this dumpster fire of a diary entry. It's just angsty teen x10. Please stay safe and make sure to take care of yourself. Goodnight!

~ Gentleman